I'm on board for the Valentine's Day Challenge. I'm targeting 25lbs. Very aggressive, I know. Especially since I'm starting off with a lot of bloat weight. I also have only 13 pills left, and not sure if doc will give me more after. I might be on hold for a while. Even so, I am dedicated to eating right and exercising at a high level. I want this very much. And this is one want I can have. So there! Continued good luck to us all.

 So, I let life get the better of me. Granted, my circumstances were challenging. Both my parents went into the hospital within a day of each other, then they were moved into a nursing home, now we're waiting to hear about Medicaid. Through it all, no computer at all, and no regular workouts. 

Yes, challenging circumstances. But still, continues pattern of putting my goals and plans aside for other things. I was doing so great. Everything was regular and controlled. My commitment was to put myself first and not let anything get in the way. Darn it.

All that said, I maintained my 12lb loss for most of the time gone, so that was great! But now feel 'thick' and my tummy is pooched. (It had gone flat!) So all I can do is dig in and get back to my routine, but ... still ... darn it.

Whew - that was close. 

I just spent 3 days at my sister's house, baby-sitting the world's best nephew. (Hi Marco!) I was away from my routine, and it was not bueno. My eating was good, but I did not drink near enough water, did not exercise, did not check into extrapounds.com, and did not check the scale. And now, home again, on the evening before Thanksgiving, busy with lists and menus and tasks ... I almost slipped back into 'the old ways.'

Pretty much unconsciously, I found myself planning to just 'let it go til Friday morning.' This devil in my head was saying, "hell, after all the damage of these last three days, you might as well give yourself a holiday! Just weigh in on Friday and get back to work. The pills will do the work for you.'

Riiiiiiiigggggghhhhhttttttt. Like THAT isn't what got me here in the first place!!!!!

Thankfully, my idiot head devil didn't stop while she was ahead. She just kept buzzing away up there in my lame brain until I finally heard her, and realized what I was doing. Geez! I practically jumped on the scale (which if literally true would mean I'd need a new scale) and found I was down one more pound since leaving three days ago. 9 pounds down!  After just two weeks on Phen!! After months and months and painful months of nothing but gaining weight and flab. 

Well, this was just so awesome, that I got to wondering if I would lose another nine or ten pounds in the next two weeks ... 18-20 pounds down in one mont-YES!! ... which then got me really excited ... which then caused a sharp drop in confidence, because even if I do somehow lose close to 20 pounds in a month, I'll still be a good 50 pounds short of my goal ... which then, finally, smacked my crazy self straight back to reality.  

The reality is that right now, I'm on a diet. Because I am obese. Because I can't walk from one end of the house to the other without getting winded. Because hating how I look and feel keeps me practically housebound. Because I am ashamed of myself for letting things get this far. Because I need to succeed. I can't cheat. I can't slack off on any part of this. 

And another thing (self, I said). This is not only a diet, it is a lifestyle change as well. The discipline and self-love and strength it takes to eat right and exercise and become mindful of all of my choices ... has got to be a part of my life for the rest of my life, so that I can enjoy a long, healthy and happy life.

So - that's what the last few minutes were like. And this - thinking right, using the website, focusing on achieving my goal - is how how I plan to stay on track during the holidays. I am thankful I caught myself in time and kept my focus on my goal.

Happy Thanksgiving and best wishes for success to all of my sisters on the road to fabulous. 

So there I was, doing some positive thinking exercises the other day. Visualizing how good it will feel to be fit and not fat and actually have people look at me again. Because I'll tell you, I live in LA, my husband is in the film industry, and here, if you're large, you are invisible. Except for the occasional brief look of pity - or more often, disgust.

I was following all the visualization rules. Picturing every little aspect about how I will look - what I'll wear, my hair, my posture - and exactly how great it would feel to have people look at me with at least a little admiration. And you know what? I freaked! I literally had a frozen moment of panic. Pure fear and horror at the thought of being seen.

In that past, I'll bet anything that I would have unconsciously run to the fridge after that feeling. But thanks to the Phen (and all the work I've been doing all these large years) I was able to just feel the feeling, then think about it.

I realized that those feelings - that fear - is part of the problem.

You see, I did have problems when I looked better. I was a little hottie, in fact, a truly naieve little hottie from a small town in the the Midwest, and had at least three really scary moments with men moving on me in a very scary way. I am definitely one of us weight issue girls who packed at least some of those pounds on because I couldn't handle the male attention coming my way.

Point is, it was great to finally feel that fear, but then examine it and be able to reassure myself: "that was then, this is now."

Two specific and important realizations came to me: First of all, at 49 years old, I'm in zero danger of being mistaken for a hottie! (hahahahahahaha). And secondly, at 49 years old, I am completely able to establish and defend my boundaries. Woe to any idiot who tries anything now!

I'm thinking these thoughts are not at all unique to me and would love to hear other experiences. Please drop me a line! 

Wow. It's been an amazing week. The scale dropped 8.6 lbs and I'm thrilled. Already in a pair of pants I couldn't get over my body before. In fact, I was so excited about this loss that I forgot I'm still carrying a ton of weight. Was bummed for just a minute when I found myself in front of a full length mirror. Hate seeing all that flesh. But ... quickly got over it (which in itself is a change) and focused on the positive.

 Day 2 of Phen, Day 1 of blogging. Down 2.8. It may be water, but I'm happy to see that it's gone! My scale has not gone down for over 6 months, so I am thrilled!