I was on the phone to my sister in Arkansas and we were talking about holiday eating. "Oh, yes," I said, "I can't tell you how many chocolate biscuits I've had."
"Chocolate biscuits!" she yelled.
"Cookies. Sorry. I get made fun of if I say cookies here, and I get made fun of if I say biscuits there!"
"Oh," she said. "I thought that sounded kinda gross."
Anyway, chocolate biscuits are the bane of my life at the moment. If you saw how many tins of chocolate biscuits (actually generally referred to as "choccie biccies" over here--the British love cute nicknames for everything) you would be floored. Stacks of big tins, each with three inner trays, of really gorgeous shortbread, wafer, gingersnap, etc, all covered in dark, milk or white chocolate. Sometimes enrobed in all three. How can you possibly resist such a thing.
I'm going to be as big as the side of a barn.
You'll be able to see my arse from outer space. Ha!
I don't know why those words popped into my head as I started this entry, but there it is. I suppose it is because I have been trying to free my mind in the last couple of days. Free my mind of vain imaginings, worries and fears over things that are not real. The past and the future.
There is a situation going on now and I can't go into it at all here, but it is a serious situation and one over which at this point I can exert no control and over which I have no influence. The time is not right. This is a period of waiting to see what happens, and waiting for guidance from circumstance and prayerful seeking. Because I cannot influence the situation directly, my influence must be over my own mind. If I allow my thoughts to overwhelm me, I will be swept into a dark morass of despair and can be of no use to anyone. Now more than ever I must practice present moment living.
When I walk, I am aware that I am walking.
When I am drinking water, I am aware that I am drinking water.
When I am washing dishes, I am aware that I am washing dishes.
I am present with my breath. My breath is the constant miracle to remind me that I am alive, and life itself is a wonder.
I feel the earth under my feet. I see the sky above me. I hear the rustling of the trees. I know that I am connected to it all, we are not separate. We are one. And I return to the breath.
It is only in this way that I can remain grounded in reality, and the only reality is the breath I am now taking. My fingers pressing these keys. The words appearing on the screen. The water in my glass shaking as the desktop moves with my typing. The sound of the TV from the other room. And my breathing. When the mind starts to take over, there is always the breath.
This morning I weighed 134.4. I finally started my period after 61 days. That's the longest I've ever gone without a period! I wonder if I'm perimenopausal or whatever you call it. Well, what does it matter.
Breathing in, breathing out. I do not seek to take refuge in distractions. I calm my mind. I calm my body. I trust that God is taking care of it in His time.
UPS man told to return DVDs to sender, customer service at Cathe.com is set to refund my money.
Thich Nhat Hanh's Order of Interbeing has a UK branch and a local sangha (well, in Birmingham anyway). Looking into that.
I have created a meditation corner in the bedroom that has photos of DH and DS and other objects of a personal meaning rather than Buddhist this-and-that. Thich Nhat Hanh has images of Buddha and Jesus on his shrine and now so do I. Finally beginning to learn to respect my own traditions and see the connections. Slow process.
Got an email from the Principal Librarian about an opening at Coventry City Council for Reader Development Officer---how's that for an offer of a ringing recommendation! She told me about the opening! So I emailed Coventry HR to enquire about the post.
Stupid mistake has caused me to order the Cathe DVDs twice, once from Amazon and once from her website. I will now have two copies each of two low impact workouts. I did not mean to order from Cathe and thought I'd cancelled the order, but apparently placed it. I emailed explaining that I'd ordered by mistake, but I don't think the company cares. Their website says all sales final.
Maybe I can sell them on ebay, but I'm looking at it as a very expensive life lesson.
There's a girl at work who might want to buy them. I will ask her.
Trouble is, I keep having expensive life lessons. If only I could run out of mistakes before I run out of life. That would be nice.
I've noticed a pattern--since I pretty much made goal (my original goal of 133, that is), I have been less inclined to blog about weight loss and tend to ramble about whatever is on my mind on the day. I wonder if that's okay on a site like this one. People here may not be interested in my musings on Buddhism and my trip to Amsterdam. I wonder if I should start a new blog, like on blogspot or something.
Trouble is, I have been here 6 months and I have a community I like to check in on. Do you think it's okay to keep using this space for my mostly non-weight-loss-related meanderings?
Out there you'll see it all. The floating ends will meet and mend, and you will be yourself; your fully-formed though always changing self of selves. Every clumsy backward look will pay for itself. Every tear you've cried, or wanted to cry, will set your broken bones. The rips in your heart will no longer need to be guarded by steel girders, banyan trees, or even rice paper. Not so much as a dragonfly's wing will you need to cover the bludgeoned place, to protect the private you you love so much, and hope to save intact from what has seemed years of relentless pummeling.
Go and live and love in peace, my friend, for surely there is love to enfold you, and life to be feasted upon; your portion is boundless. Love will be the more you've wanted. You will know it when you see it. You will love yourself as no lover has ever had the courage to love; and the warmth you've wanted will line your pillowcases, dance upon your windowsill, and hide at the ends of your socks awaiting your toes.
Help me, please! It's only the 9th of December and this morning I weighed 136.0!!!! Give me encouraging words, I must come out the other side of Christmas at 133 or I shall throw myself off the top of a stack of mince pies!!
I can't remember if I posted it before, but you must watch this clip if you've ever flipped through a magazine then looked in the mirror and felt like crap.
In no particular order (as grouping then in categories was making me crazy), here are my first 26 goals...
Be able to do 5 straight leg push ups by March 2007.
Be able to do 10 straight leg push ups by March 2008.
Be able to do 15 straight leg push ups by 28th August 2009.
Reach goal weight of 129.
Maintain weight below 135 for duration of 101 goals challenge.
Save half a years' salary--actually I checked my bank statement and that one's done.
Save a full year's salary by Aug 2009.
Get UK driving licence.
Get UK passport.
Finish 101 goals list by 15th Dec. 2006.
Get low impact Cathe DVDs and incorporate into rotations--done.
Record every book read and film watched each month.
Write a bit about each day in journal daily.
Keep clothes off bedroom floor every day for 31 days in a row.
Get viable long-term savings/investment plan with help of financial adviser.
Buy one new garment per month.
See two shows (theatre) per year.
Visit Paris.
Visit Amsterdam--tickets and hotel booked.
Visit the Seychelles.
Visit home twice between now and 28th August 2009.
Meditate daily for 31 days in a row.
Bring DS over for holiday in UK.
Get phone for DS.
Send card, letter or gift every month to DS.
Do not order any new workout DVDs until I have done every single one in my collection at least twice--starting from 9th Dec. 2006. (That should take a while...wait a minute! I just did a quick count. That's at least 94 days from tomorrow! I'll have withdrawals!)
