They're gone now. I am faced with the usual sense of deep desolation and cutting grief. I think this is a primal response. No matter how ready my head is for the separation, it is still deeply and unexpectedly wrenching, and usually doesn't happen until he's gone. (Or when I visit there, it's after they leave me at the airport). I know I live here and DS lives there. I know all the reasons for it. And still this happens every time, and will happen every time, for the rest of my life.
So now I'll be bursting into tears for no apparent reason at least once a day for about the next two weeks. I'll have to figure out how to say as little as possible to my colleagues at work when they ask me how the holiday went. I will have to face finding things he left behind here and there in the flat (like 5 pairs of socks I just discovered! How can you leave 5 pairs of socks!)
It's almost harder to get together than it is to stay apart. That may not make sense but it is true.
I feel absolutely nauseated, and my impulse is to go to the store and buy cakes or chocolates and eat them all.
I probably should not be blogging about this, as it will only invite some people who could never possibly understand to make remarks like, 'Well, why don't you move back to the US?' or 'I could never live in a different country from my child.' Could I just ask, please don't do that. It hurts in deeper ways than you know. There are things that you don't know. There are things even I will never understand about my situation. All I know is, I've done the best I could, I've done all I know to do, I've made choices and decisions--and so have we all--that have led to where I am now. He's made some choices that have led him to where he is now.
I do welcome all support, though.
Sometimes I wonder why we're given all this life, when so much of it is spent hurting. Why are we given all these emotions. Why do we have all these hours when so many of them are spent in such turmoil. And why do we look back and back and back, when there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm off to try to distract myself. It's the hours that I have to get through now.
Posted By: Tawa Chihuahua
Comments to this post:
07/30/2007 05:44
Socks
Boys are always leaving their socks everywhere. I know I do. Makes my wife cry, too.
I know that feeling: The Void. It comes from a return to the valley after a mountain-top experience. Sits like a hole in your stomach for a while. You and I both know that chocolate won't fill it, even for a second. Don't hate yourself in the morning, if you know what I mean.
I'll resurrect a couple of old cliches for you, one kinds-of works and one that doesn't at all: Time heals wounds. "Heals" might be a little strong. Helps one forget their wounds might be more appropriate. You'll get through this and you'll continue on your road, being the thriving person that you are. The same will be true for him. Your love and affection for one another need not diminish because of physical distance.
As for the cliche that doesn't work... "Parting is such sweet sorrow..." What a load of crap. Whomever penned that "sweet" bit must have been smoking whatever it is that poets smoke. My guess is crack, 'cause that statement is just that... cracked.
So anyway, take the memories of your mountain-top experience with you. (The sights were spectacular, weren't they?) And they help pad the trip down the mountainside.
Take care. Many blessings on you and your little one.
I just wanted to give you some online hugs!! I think it is unfair of people to judge the actions of people when they don't know the entire situation. I am thinking of you!
Your paragraph about well-meaning people asking questions or making comments about your decision to live abroad only made me think one thing - that most of our life is spent navegating through shades of gray. We just have to do the best that we can because very few situations in our lives are as simple as black & white. At first, living in the gray areas may sound negative or depressing, but it's really not........it's simply the awareness that life ain't so simple.
Enjoy those socks! I think it's pretty awesome that your son thought to leave nice reminders of him scattered all throughout the flat!
No, I don't know the situation but from reading between the lines I realize that you are in a situation that I can soooo relate to. Very few people (only family) knows the circumstances that seperate my DS and myself. I don't even understand it. I will never understand it. I, also like you, made some choices in my life that might have swayed both his and my directions. My situation has been a complete seperation for 3 years now. Worst of all is the fact that I have a granddaughter involved in this totally GRAY shaded area of my life.
See, I do feel the pain that you are experiencing. God and time are the only two things that can sustain you.
and more big hugs. Was this the first time seeing you since you lost weight? If so, how'd they react? I'm glad he got to come and visit. Oh yeah, the socks...well, that's a sign that he'll be back.
