Toxic co-worker and the love-me syndrome

Is there a name for it when you know someone doesn't like you, when they go out of their way to turn everything into an oblique (or even a direct) insult of you, they talk about you, make fun of you and in general show nothing but disrespect for you...but you find yourself bending over backward to try to be nice to this person? Even though every time you try you just get kicked in the teeth again? And even though you know this person is never going to change, you just can't seem to help trying to be friendly to this person, to give her one more shot at being a decent human being, only to have your feelings hurt again.

Oh yeah, I remember, I discovered the name for it years ago during my divorce. It's called being codependent, isn't it.

I have this toxic co-worker and she seems to take great joy in belittling, mocking and hurting me in front of others, in front of customers and even just one-to-one. I can't tell you how many times I've coached myself,  'You can't control the behaviour of others,' I tell myself, 'you can only control how you respond to their behaviour. Let them own the problem.'  Which all sounds good, but turns into the wah-wah sound of the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher when it counts.

It's just all so petty and stupid. I can't even say that she feels threatened or jealous of other people. I think her arrogance is real and all-consuming. I don't think for a minute that  she feels insecure and just lashes out to hurt people in self-defense. I have no doubt that she enjoys hurting her co-workers and that she has completely bought in to her own mythology. 'Why man, she doth bestride that narrow library like a colossus', with apologies to Shakespeare. If only we could all be as all-knowing, all-mighty, as chesty and own as many pairs of stillettos as she...

Okay so I'm bitter. I'm fed up. I need techniques to disengage emotionally, and don't need to be told to take it to my line manager. This is petty and personal crap too subtle for line managers, I think. Please help me before one of us gets hurt. And it ain't gonna be me, sistahs!

A good punch in the face LOL

I hate people like this.  I have worked with people like this and they seem to be worse with people who give them leeway to be that way.  Once you stand your ground or give them a taste of their own medicine - they tend to back down.  You may never have a nice relationship with this person - but you can stand up for yourself.  And if it comes down to it - a little assault wouldn't be out of the question LOL.  Good luck.  And remember - the people who are worth your time and effort are the only ones you need to worry about liking you - this woman clearly is not worth it.

Hmmmm

That's not good at all. I'm sure I've worked with people who don't like me before, but not one that took it to the level you describe. The closest I have right now is one of the assistant principals at my school. He's got "Little Man Syndrome" and is very authoritarian. I don't really feed his ego the way he would like and sometimes challenge his decisions when they affect me. Once I realized how he felt about me, I tried for a little while to get on his good side, giving him a chance to get to know me better and change his opinion of me. However, this backfired big time. He had already made up his mind about me and every attempt at conversation resulted in him saying something like, "What's THAT supposed to mean!?" I gave up. Last year, my policy was to avoid him whenever possible. I only spoke to him when business dictated. If I had an issue with administration, I took it elsewhere. I couldn't think of what else to do other than go about my business and pray he gets transferred.

As for your problem, I think calling her out when she's doing this to you in front of others might be in order. Something along the lines of "you teach people how you want to be treated." If she says something snide to you, repeat her words back to her. "So what you're saying is . . .you think I'm ugly and my mother dresses me funny? Do I have that? Because I wouldn't want to misinterpret your meaning." I'm sure she will continue to talk about her behind your back, but maybe not to your face anymore. Make sure you have witnesses!

Thanks for the encouragement

I am trying hard to be good but it's not working.  I am actually down to 304 this morning and that's a blessing because I am allergic to exercise.  I want to do it, I plan to do it but it just never happens.  I'm going to try to be better about my blog too but right now I'm so busy that I can't think straight.  Plus I have some issues at work that require I be on my best behavior.  I'm trying though....