i promised myself not to sigh - and i haven't sighed a single bit for a week already!!!! i feel great!!! when i stop sighing, i realise things really aren't that bad at all! wow.... things that i used to dread doing, i could do it with ease nowadays.... just because by not sighing, i guess i just drove the negative thoughts away and look at things in a positive light.
ever since i have given up on that guy, i have started living life like a party girl. i've starting drinking, dancing a lot. almost every week. and it's a great feeling. dancing really works your body a lot!! and i now know how to wobble my stomach.. lol.... yesterday, outside this persian restaurant, i saw a lady belly dancing. oh my god... she looked like a dancing vibrator. sorry... but she really looked like it. she was vibrating everywhere and she was creating waves with her torso. it was unbelievable. so today i tried creating waves with my torso real fast. wow... i could do it! but i ended up having stitches. i bet if i were to do this for just 10 mins everyday, i would end up with a small tummy. and i was so proud i started showing it to everyone in the family. they were amazed... lol. but my dad said "aren't u shy at all?!" whatever.
actually we talk about being positive all the time. i'm not sure if it's a good thing to me though... yes, no doubt it's a good feeling to be positive. but the problem with me is that if i were to look into the mirror and say "u are a goddess. you look beautiful". i will really STOP LOSING WEIGHT. it doesn't help me in this sense. it's only when i keep saying "I'm so fat, nobody wants me. i can't get jobs yadadada" then i'll feel depressed and want to do something about it. so which is which huh? anyway, i haven't been exercising ever since my period came. i can't jog... my sides are stil hurtin from swimming. i don't know why it hurts there. but last week i went jogging and the pain aggreviated. i mentioned i sohuld throw in some strength training right? i haven't even started it. argh!! i'm so useless.....
and oh... yesterday, i was in town and there was this women's day out event. so herbalife was there. i hate herbalife. i hate their shakes. and i hate mlm. so anyway, this lady and gentleman was talking to me about how successful their clients have been.... and i really wanted to cut them short. i didn't wanna waste their time nor mine. i'm not interested in herbalife, i'm not interested in shakes, i have tried and it doesn't work on me. why SHOULD I make up shakes and just drink shakes for the whole day when i can lose the same weight through exercise and proper dieting??!! why must i put myself through some kinda hospital diet when i am alive, healthy (okay at least feeling alive since being obese isn't exactly healthy), and kicking?! and she said with herbalife, i can lose 3-5 kgs a month. oh hello?!!! i can lose 3 kg in 2 weeks and i don't need to rely on shakes and pay 200 odd dollars on some kinda drink that i entirely hate that i have to shake and force myself to drink it every meal. and she said fine.... then proceeded to SQUEEZE MY ARM!!!! WTF WAS THAT?!!! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR!!!! WHY MUST SHE SQUEEZE MY ARM!!!!! idiot. she can go and have her shake, have it with sperm or watever protein, i don't care. i'm not touching any shakes!!!!
finally... after waiting for so so long, my period finally came!!! i'm 2 weeks late! and i wonder why. it's really weird to come 2 weeks late. usually if your cycle was to shift, it'd shift slowly, day by day. but mine, it just came 2 weeks late!!! and....... i think i'm overcompensating myself for the cramps i have to go through by eating a hell lot of food.
just today, i felt depressed. and i looked at my goal. 23 days and i have 6 more kgs to lose. so i decided to go back to dr cohen's diet. which requires me to not mix protein and weigh my raw food before i cook them and each meal is 5 hours apart and i'm suppose to have my last meal of the day 4 hours before i sleep. lo and behold... i rushed to boil a quarter chicken and eat it before i go to my afternoon class. after class, i went to meet my friend. and know what? i ate a hot dog. it's fattening. then... we went to have... POPEYE'S!!!! i've been craving for popeyes for the longest time. and the best thing is........ i just couldn't just eat the chicken. no, i had to have the cajun fries and the mashed potatoes!!! sad thing is, i seldom feel guilty for long. but i just felt guilty... then .. it that wasn't enough, i came home and my brother told me he ordered mcdees. so mcdees came and he urged me to try the new wasabi shaker FRIES. it's really nice! again food. and oh, did i mention, after popeyes, i had a mcflurry?? lol... i think i am beyond hope. :( but nevertheless, i'll keep trying again.
tomorrow, i should hit the gym. need to incorporate strength training. my cardio isn't working too well for me. i think i need muscles to speed up the process.
i think my willpower is just this strong. as much as i'm trying very hard to keep swimming and pushing myself to the limit in terms of exercise, i lose it when it comes to my meals. it's as if i need to push things into my mouth to survive or somethin. i know i['m not suppose to touch carbs at nite - yet i still did it. i know i'm not suppose to eat 4 hours before i sleep - yet i still did it. and i know i'm not suppose to have a feast during dinner - yet i still did it. i'm not suppose to drink sodas... yet i drink it all the time. gosh.... i'm terriblyh disappointed with myself.
i've been drinking quite a bit this month, and it's only the 5th day of the month. i think it's not good right? because of the sugar level...... but i love drinking too much. eew.
tonight, i'm going for a seafood buffet. for my mum's birthday. another food binge. i wonder how my aunt is going to complain about me stuffing food into my mouth again. but how can i not when the buffet costs 80 dollars???!!! haa...
yesterday, i went to the beach. my friend ben brought along two friends. mark and lim. so this mark guy was busyt aking pictures of beach babes. goodness.... wat a lecher. but anyway, i felt disgusted and walked off with another friend. when i came back to check on my phone, my friend said "mark wants to know you. he wants your number". and i didn't believe it because why would he want my number when he's busy taking pictures of beach babes? so i thought they were just using me as a joke - just like mark joked about getting the phone number of this big woman at the beach. anyway, he looks like a jerk. who cares.
but i cared. lol.... i felt disappointed that my body size reflects light or somethin.. so much that people avoid looking at me.
i feel so happy!!! and even more determined!!! but not determined enough i think... because i was trying to jog yesterday and once i felt a really really slight pain on my knee, i stopped. i even stopped brisk walking. i just got off the threadmill. and so i decided to skip a thousand times before bed time. lo and behold! i skipped 100 times, felt slight pain in my knees and i stopped. went to bed. lol...
weekends was horrible. saturday, i went drinking - which means i binged on alcohol and alcohol means sugar. i go crazy when i have sugar in my diet. it goes straight to my hips. but i really love drinking. once a week should be okay?? but still.. it wasn't once a week. sunday, i went to a friend's place for steamboat and we had wine. dessert wine. really SWEET. i'm so damned, seriously!!!
i finally up-ed my swim laps to 8 laps. thursday, i will up it to 9 laps. next week, 10 laps. 8 laps is pretty unchallenging i think.. so i swam faster. boy... it was strenous. but it felt good to be panting after every lap. i luv it. and right now, i'm thinking if i should go swimming but the sky seems daunting. i can't make out if it's gonna rain or is it just cloudy. i should probably JUST DO IT yeah??
lol... and i thought i was completed uninterested in yummy and unhealthy food. thanks to my friend's tempting, i had DINNER at kfc. but this time round, i took out the skin. but still ate the fries -_-. so much for this "last resolution of losing weight!!!"
i've been having heavy meals for the past 3 days. steamboat.. i have to reverse my meals. need to have light meals for dinner eh....
exercise wise, i'm still doing good. still swimming. and i just upped my laps to 7 laps. YAH, that's not a lot. but... take it slow.
i really hope i can lose 30kg in 6-9 months. think it's possible?
it's been a week since i made my new resolution of losing weight for the last time. thanks to the year-old rejection that i felt, and thanks to my aunt's constant naggings that managed to irritate the crap out of me, i'm going to lose weight.
last week, was honeymoon period. i exercised, and i too ate a lot of junk food. had pizza hut after swimming. had swensens! but that, like i said.. was honeymoon period. it was just to get me started for a healthy lifestyle incorporating diet and exercise.
i've been going to the pool everyday. for the past week. and it feels good. yesterday, i went to play badminton. wow...... the aftermath was that... i now have aching arms, bum and back. but it sure feels like i've done a lot!!! lol... diet wise, i haven't touched any carbs since monday. except for a high-fibre cracker a day and a teaspoon of peanut butter ocassionally. u know what? i've been swimming with a friend and everyday after swimming we'd go for a meal. and i found out from another friend that we're not suppose to eat immediately after exercise if not our efforts would have gone to waste. no wonder i haven't lost anything (in fact gained weight) even though i've been exercising!
but i'm optimistic i'll stick to this plan. even if i'm not entirely optimistic, i have to be!!! if not i doubt i'll have the determination to push on. yes?
so far, i've started to cut down on carbs. yay! no carbs for.... the whole day today. lol.... but i am sure i'll be having very little carbs, or better, no carbs for at least 3 months. it worked well the last time - and it will work this time. plus, i'm throwing in 5 days a week exercise plans. i'm swimming everyday for an hour. it's starting to reach a plato, but i'm gonna up two laps the next time i swim - 2 days from today.
being fat.... has made me unhappy sometimes. i lose, most importantly, guys. guys whom i thought were nice... but who rejected me saying "if u were slim, i'd go out with you without a second thought." sometimes, just because you don't show it in your face, people take it that u're fine with them teasing your weight problem. often, it hurts as bad. we're humans after all. but nobody realises. so i guess the only way to not feel bad and not to get hurt by people's remarks... is to not give them a reason to say it out - to be slim. plus, it's so much cheaper to get clothes when u are not a plus size. plus size clothes cost a lot more... because most of them are imports. and you won't get to wear the nicest and most fashionable clothes. only what's available on the rack. being fat, when you enter a lift already full with people, you have to bear with the embarrassment of the lift warning signal going off because the lift is overweight. even if it's 10kg lighter before you stepped in - already on the verge of overload... if a fat person steps in, it will trigger people to giggle. if a person is slim and she steps in, people won't think much of it.
i never thought being fat was a problem. i was a happy child. but i learnt one way to shut my aunt up, is to lose weight. i can't stand her nags anymore. i hate it. and i also read in an article that being fat leads to chronic diseases like heart diseases and diabetes. those, i thought.. were alright. but sadly, being overweight means your chances of getting ANY terminal disease is VERY HIGH. and being sick is terrible.. plus, you have to worry about the medical expenses.
the last straw was when i wanted to sign up for surf kayaking, and i got rejected because i was overweight. the trainer's concern was that i might overexhaust myself and that i should slim down first. it was kinda humiliating and saddening at the same time. it's my dream to do surf kayaking. and when i was anticipating it, dreaming about it always... i didn't think this would be an issue. and for that guy to tell me something like that, i think he burst my ego. fat IS an issue. and i have to constantly remind myself that... 40% of my body is fats.... and the average person has only (i think) 17% of fat. what the hell is wrong with me? someone should use me as an oil tank. u can save a lot on petrol!
