Well yesterday went ok foodwise I think. I do think I'm eating a large volume of food but then the choices I'm making seem to be ok - it's basically lots of fruit and 0% yoghurt. God the fruit is so good!!
Was going to go running again this morning but I'm a bit achey after yesterday and might have overdone it a little - I can totally feel myself getting stronger in my muscles though - my upper thighs were really working yesterday and when I swim I'm beginning to regain power in my upper arms. Shame about the run though as it's snowing outside and it really is lovely running in the snow. Maybe I should just go for a brisk walk instead?
Anyway, later on I have to cycle 12 miles - which isn't very much but will keep me ticking over. I might go for a swim if i feel ok - slightly worried that I might be coming down with a cold though, everyone else in the flat has had one, or has one now and I do feel a little odd - must have a Berrocca!! This would be a disastrous time to get sick!
Today's motto is: moderation is the key! Must keep remembering not to be so "all or nothing"! It's just that if I'm not constantly pushing myself to do my absolute best at everything I feel guilty. Like - I shouldn't be sat here typing this now really - I should be running and then working and then swimming and preferably not eating at all!! God it's exhausting!
Well today has gone completely to shit. I was doing SO well. I managed to avoid tons of free carrot cake at college sat right in front of me for ages. Eventually I asked everyone around the table if anyone was going to eat it - they said no, so I moved it to the other side of the room.
Then I managed to NOT buy a load of Clinique stuff and new clothes (I'm in trouble with gaijinboy for spending too much money recently - which is totally fair tbh!!).
Then got home and went on a binge. A pretty bad one too. Not to the proportions of my old binges but not good! The good news is I didn't make myself throw up and I've stopped now. Also as soon as Kublai came home - and I was mid-binge, I told him what was going on and confessed to exactly what I'd done. He gave me a really good talking to - which is just as well as I would have carried on and given how full and nasty I felt already I would have ended up feeling very sick - would I have had the strength not to throw up? I don't know.
All I can do now is not beat myself up about it - which is a big change. Not try to compensate tomorrow - my initial reaction was - must not eat tomorrow and exercise 2x as hard. Kublai gave me a good talking to about that. Also I need to accept that if this leads of a couple of pounds weight gain - then fine - the ultimate goal is to not binge/purge/starve/binge/purge/starve and basically be healthy in the long term. So I need to stop punishing myself in the short term and just get on with it. Apparently, according to Kublai, that's what normal people do - think "ooh I overdid it a bit yesterday" but then just get on with it and naturally right themselves rather than trying to punish themselves/starve themselves as a result!
Anyway, not going to write my food report - suffice it to say that long with the usual yoghurts etc it involved some uncontrolled eating of a large volume of biscuits...
I've regained control of myself now - not waiting until tomorrow. It's all going to be ok.
Another 5.5k around the park. It's such a great way to start the day. Today was a bit of a struggle though - not sure why. I slept about 2 hours longer than usual last night - maybe it's that?
Anyway, one thing I've noticed over the past few weeks is some strange cravings. Pre-LL I would binge on crisps, bagels, bread, scones and more crisps. I would go out spend £20 - £30 on this kind of food, eat it in one go and .. well you know how it ends.
Oddly, now back on the food I haven't been tempted by these foods... it's the sweet things - the biscuits, sweets etc that are calling me. The bags of sweets in my house, the packets of biscuits. I never thought I had a sweet tooth - chocolate, for example, or desserts have never been my thing. I think this is why I'm eating so much fruit! (and really loving it too!).
Anyway, this week I should be reintroducing carbs - but I'm not sure I'm going to really bother. I purposely reintroduced alcohol last week when I wasn't really all that up for it - and didn't especially enjoy it.. I will reintroduce the carbs when I actually want them I think - rather than it being such an artificial thing. Maybe on Friday when I have friends over??
No REAL food plan for today. I'll have a shake at some point later this morning.. will probably take a bar to college later on and then have some tofu tonight - although I do have some veg to stirfry so I might have those with the tofu if I have time to cook.
So today's food didn't end up too bad - but it feels like much too much to me. Kublai maintains that no one ever got fat on yoghurts and fruit and I should eat as much of these as I like. I'm not so sure.
1 shake
1 bar
3 yoghurts (each 0% fat)
fruit - pear, blueberries, raspberries, pomegranate
1 v. small block of tofu and handful of salad leaves, balsamic vinegar.
Kublai had some of those Sainsbury's filled pasta shells for dinner. Since this week is my "reintroduce carbs week" I tried 3 of them. 1st one I thought - it's not all that great - just sort of mushy, 2nd one - hmmm actually, interesting, 3rd one - let me have the rest!! So I made Kublai take it all away and quickly. I don't think I will repeat this experiment tbh. By and large I will not be eating pasta in the future - I'm afraid I might turn into one of those fashionistas off Ugly Betty but there you go!
Today's exercise.
5.5k run
15k cycle
1hr45mins badminton.
I think I overdid it a little with the exercise actually.
1 fruit smoothie - orange juice, strawberries and mango - it was sooooooooo good! Had it with a cup of tea straight after quite a challenging swim. Just took 10 minutes out (and I don't usually - I usually rush around like an absolute nutter!) and sat down in a really lovely rooftop conservatory type bar at ULU with a trashy magazine and my drinks feeling very clean but tired after my swim and before my day started proper.
1 lemon bar
1 nut bar (should have been soup but I was out and about and that's all I had on me)
Tofu on a bed of spinach and watercress, half a soup, yoghurt and a nashi (apple pear cross).
Swam 1.5k.
Our meeting, as always, was great! I always come away feeling better about myself! I'm going to miss that whilst in Japan to be honest...!! I was SO relieved to stay the same weight. I was convinced I'd be at least 7lbs heavier - I feel like I've been eating so much - and there were a couple of slip ups. I'm quite pleased because I must be regaining my glucogen yet I'm still maintaining which - if I put a positive spin on it, sort of means I'm still losing weight!! In any case - it's good news - although I think it will be a struggle to do that in Japan! That being said, Sally does keep telling us to remember that we are not the same people we are before. Just because a trip abroad or some other change in circumstances would have automatically meant a weight gain in the old me - doesn't mean that's what will happen with the new me. I need to trust myself more - know that now I make the right choices!!
Well yesterday went well - I think. I still went to bed feeling like I'd eaten WAY too much but I stuck to the maintenance plan as stated in the book (apart from being on fruit in week 2 instead of 3 - for reasons explained before).
I didn't run but we did have quite an exhiliarating cycle ride inbetween the thunder and lightening and in very strong winds!
It WAS hard at K's parents - they always serve the most amazing food - all from Borough market and posh bakeries. They'd deviated from Maison Blanc for the cake and gone for a Paul tart and a homemade passionfruit and cream meringue!!! I really wanted some but they had bought me some amazing fresh organic smoked tofu from Borough market - I reminded myself that last time we went for dinner I was eating packet soup!!
Started this morning off with another 5.5k run - it was bloody cold but I wrapped up warm and it's only 9am and I've already got tons done - started packing for Sunday, done two loads of washing and checked and replied to email - so a good start!
Yesterday's mantra worked - the fudge and mints are still in their packets - the day I give those away I will give myself a HUGE pat on the back!! Today's mantra I hope will work too as I seem to be getting into a pattern of one good day followed by one bad and it'd be good to get two good days in a row!: I trust myself to make the right choices!
11:30pm. Well I did make the right choices - but too many of them I think. It went like this:
1 milkshake
1 bar
snack: two yoghurts and fruit (mixture of blueberries/raspberries and nashi - a sort of pear/apple cross)
meal: tofu, edamame and sugar snap pea salad (one of those little ones from M&S but threw away the dressing and put a 0% fat one on instead). Pickled veg (daikon and lotus root) Another yoghurt!! (so 3 yoghurts today - albeit all 0% fat!!!!).
Am foregoing the 3rd pack as I do feel like I've eaten too much yet again!
I think if I were just eating normally this would be a perfectly reasonable - light even - day.. but I think it should have been less for this maintenance malarkey. So confusing.
FUCK YOU VANILLA FUDGE AND YOUR IMPERIAL MINT FRIENDS!
Right woke up today thinking - must go run at least another 5.5k after yesterday. But remembered my problems with being "all or nothing". I went to bed last night thinking - "If I run 5k and just go back to shakes and soups for the next week it will all be ok".
Bollocks!! I decided to have a lie in with Kublai - haven't done that in AGES! I've had a shake. I'm going to his parents for lunch as it's his mum's b'day and I know I'll be having tofu and salad. We'll cycle there and back - it's not far but I'm allowed a day off!
Then later I will have plenty of choices - still have an official snack and 2 more packs to choose from. I need to remember that this is a long journey and it's going to be hard.
I learned last night that maybe I don't want to start drinking again? I don't suppose I'll go totally teetotal - but the allure of going to a really smoky, crowded pub and probably feeling like shit this morning was really not very high!! I wanted to be able to get up this morning and feel good and do stuff - that's how I've been feeling for the last 5 months whilst on this diet! I just need to convince myself that this doesn't make me a boring old git!
I also need to remember the good things I did yesterday. I had a long run and I didn't succomb to the large piles of sweets I have bought to take to Japan for the kids. There's fudge and all sorts in there and they've been calling my name ever since I bought them. FUCK YOU FUDGE AND YOUR IMPERIAL MINT FRIENDS!
Anyway, feeling positive again today!
Thanks for all the lovely comments everyone.. it really does help me out!
FINAL MENU
2x milkshakes
1x bar
snack: 1 bowl 0%yoghurt with blueberries and raspberries
meal: tofu and salad leaves with balsamic vinegar.
Right - I reckon I'm going to keep a record of what I eat on here - just to keep me in check!
So yesterday I had
1 soup
1 bar
1 shake
Snack: 1 pot 0% greek yoghurt
Meal: some edamame beans, some pickled cucumber and radish and a salad with shredded beetroot and cucumber, more edamame (soy beans), about 5 butterbeans, baby leaves and a miso dressing. (the soy beans and miso are all part of Japan preparation - the butterbeans I probably should have picked out !) Successfully avoided my mum's leftover veg tempura and rice!!
shit loads of green tea!
Swam a kilometre, cycled about 15k.
So I reckon a good day. Pretty textbook in fact.
Today so far I have had:
Snack: 1 pack of fresh mango pieces. 1 pack of dried mango pieces!!
(now the fresh mango shouldn't come in till week 3, ie next Weds - but again this is part of Japan preparations. The dried mango is actually a bit naughty - I think in reality it wouldn't come in till much later on maintenance and I won't be having dried mango in Japan!!)
1 milkshake.
Tonight the plan is:
Meal: Homemade miso soup (with wakame seaweed, mountain veg (bamboo, mushrooms, green stuff and tofu), pickled cucumber and radish.
A bar at bed time.
It went wrong here!!! Also had a bite of a Portuguese custard tart. A v. small slice of fruit bread. 4 v. small biscuits (bite size).
I will also probably have a champagne spritzer - again part of Japan preparations!! Champagne 'cos I've kept a mini bottle given to me by someone who leads tours around the champagne cellars in France - so may as well!
Didn't enjoy the champagne at all and it was the drink that came before the tart/bread/biscuits!! Went to bed feeling very depressed.
Also going out tonight with friends to a dancy pub club type thing - first time in ages!
Didn't go. Just felt tired and depressed after the champagne and nibbling incident!
Also ran 5.5k this morning. If I can stick to the rest of the day I figure that's ok - the fruit was the snack, the soup is the meal and two packs (actually we're supposed to have 3 but since I had so much fruit and may have a drink I prolly won't have all 3). BUT whilst I think it seems ok - it does feel all wrong and naughty.....
I had another bad day yesterday picking wise!! I picked the equivalent of a flapjack and ate a small bit of bakewell tart - the worst kind too! I am also being quite liberal with my food allowances - whilst still sticking within the recommendations - we aren't given actual amounts we can/can't eat - it's all about eating until we're "full" - sadly I still appear to be a bottomless pit - I did think my stomach would have shrunk after all this time but apparently not!!
I am still relatively controlled though - I caught myself with the flapjack and cake leftovers midway through scoffage and threw them out before I could go on a bender. Then immediately owned up to it so that I'm not getting into the habit of secretly eating - it was a kitchen grab and scoff though. I need to tell myself that if I'm going to eat it - put it on a plate and sit down and eat it - and then I know I won't eat it. It's tough though it's because I know this that I scoff it in the kitchen before I can talk myself out of it!!
BUT - I have to nip this in the bud. It's doing my head in. That's 2 days out of 9 I've done that now.
Looking at positives I've been running every day this week except for the two days I went swimming instead and I've cycled at least 12 miles a day. So - some battles lost, some won. Today is going well so far. It will continue to as I'm at college and would actually physically have to buy something to eat - which isn't going to happen. Then I'm going to a Japanese restaurant for dinner with my mum which will have plenty of nice choices for me.
The danger will be when I get home - but I'm saving a 0% greek yoghurt for my treat later and a choccy milkshake! There are still biscuits and stuff at home - but they belong to everyone else and I want to be able to live around this sort of stuff - not make people hide things!!
Well today has been better. I had a right old moany strop at my meeting last night. The poor other people in my group must think I'm a right spoiled brat!! I have been feeling SO hungry and not dealing well with it AT ALL! PLUS I didn't lose a lb last week which I was gutted with - given the hunger and the fact that I consumed very few extra calories than when on food packs. It really makes me worry that next week I will put on weight - and I probably will as I've massively stepped up my exercise and I can feel my muscles building - well aching massively - but same thing!!!
Sally basically told me to get over it - which is fair enough - obviously not in so many words but I certainly came away feeling like that's what I was going to do!! I'm not going to see my weight again next week - and then that'll be it till I come back from Japan!! There's no point in obsessing - if I follow the programme then I should be ok. I know in Japan I will deviate but we've discussed that and I need to trust myself to make the right choices. I've learned a lot and I'm NOT the same person I was - this fear that I'm going to lose it is not helpful!
SO, I bought lots of veg on the way home and loads of those 0% fat Greek yoghurts - which are clearly going to become my saviour! They're really nice and feel quite filling - i mix a bit of the drink flavouring in to make orange/blackcurrant flavour yoghurt - which is horrific really given that I feel I should be trying to stay as "natural" as possible - but I'm going to do what it takes - and if that's what it takes, so be it!
I got my hair done today - I went for a sort of punky, red rock and roll cut and they gave me a very grown up, dark brown with a very subtle hint of mahogany cut - a bit Davina McCall I think. I had LOADS chopped off! But I LOVE it. The guy who did it is a genius - it is super flattering!! PLUS he didn't use any products in it like I asked and I immediately got on my bicycle and spent the rest of the day dashing around London on it - and it still looks nice - so this seems like a good omen. Although of course the proof of the pudding is in the first wash (or something .....!)
Going out for my first meal out with Kublai in 5 months tonight. He's delighted - he hasn't seen my hair yet but I know he'll like it. We're going to our local Japanese restaurant where I will be able to have tofu and salad leaves - my daily menu at the moment. It's not about the food though - it's about being able to interact socially in that way again together. It's a bit of a reward for him really for putting up with me and paying for all this!!!
PLUS I've started training again. I've been running every morning this week apart from yesterday when I went swimming instead - and I'm cycling everywhere - no more buses for me (of course the gorgeous weather and longer days really help!). I really love the feeling of getting stronger - and running around the park in the morning is just wonderous. My flat actually backs onto the park so I go straight in. There is a considerable hill in the middle (great for training) and the rest is flat or undulating. It overlooks the whole of London so I can see the sunriseall the way from Battersea Power Station right through to Canary Wharf and Crystal Palace. When running away from the view it's beautiful trees and flowers and the ponds etc. It's incredibly exhiliarating - especially with my MP3 player on full blast!! I'm taking my trainers to Japan with the aim of continuing to run every day. I figure that being 5lbs heavier and toned is better than being lighter and flabby! Clothes are looking good on me atm but my stomach really needs work (although I suspect that the loose skin may be around to stay... ) and the rest of me could do with being tighter and more toned - I like feeling fit and strong and I'm determined to get back there. The weight loss is all well and good but it's really one component of the full package and I'm nowhere near finished!!
So - feeling much better now. Will try and get some "after" shots over the next few days.
I am no longer in ketosis - so hunger has reared it's ravenous head again!
BUT I am still on foodpacks apart from one small meal a day!
I miss the comforting blanket of ketosis... :o(
That being said my initial problems of not enjoying my food are now well and truely gone! I had a lovely smoked tofu, cottage cheese and mixed leaf salad last night. Will have the same tonight - but plain tofu with wasabi and soy sauce instead.
From Wednesday I think I will be able to introduce more foodstuffs - but not sure about more meals yet... !!
This reintroduction of food is going to be tough I can tell!
