Right - well let's just say it all went very wrong on Sunday and Monday - I lost it, binged, threw up and generally went AWOL.
Yesterday I went back onto packs and last night I went to my counselling session. I feel SO MUCH MORE positive now. We looked at my behaviour and actually a lot of conclusions I had reached myself about what I'm doing - why I've done this just became even clearer.
I imagine for the outside world there must be an element of "well she's just gone straight back to step one" on reading this. For me, it feels like I've come quite a long way. Whereas in the past this would have thrown me into a depression I do feel like now I can allow myself mistakes without feeling that I am a disaster/useless/worthless/a waste of space etc etc - that's where I was on Monday - and boy did it feel like shit.
So now I'm on day two of abstinence again!! I'm feeling more relaxed about it this time. It was not a good decision to try and come back from Japan straight into abstinence whilst dealing with a huge drugs comedown, a huge holiday and emotional comedown and a massive panic about my exams/essays/revision/getting a job/writing 5 million thank you letters/the triathlon!! I know I put myself under too much pressure to do everything at once - it doesn't help.
Anyway, I must concentrate on finishing my essay and then start revising like a mad woman for my exams!!
Ah - but the good news is that I only gained 6lbs which will come off in no time.
Well I was spiralling downwards into a bit of a frenzy and was about to go binge-tastic. I tried calling my counsellor but got the answerphone - I know she has classes on Sunday mornings so she must be busy.
BUT I think I've made a good adult decision! I went to the shops and bought a bunch of foods from maintenance week 3 (where I was at before I went to Japan).. I'm now enjoying a bowl of fruit and fat free yoghurt and have lots of salad leaves, raw veg and tofu in the fridge for later. I know I can do healthy eating - so if i'm going to eat that's what i'll do until Tuesday's meeting and then talk to my counsellor.
As for the other stuff - I need to just chill out a bit and stop worrying about it - at least for the moment. Hopefully I'll be able to do the triathlon - if not then I'll have to accept that - again!! At least now I can stop obsessing about my diet/food etc and get on with my essay!!
So I cracked... I ate two sandwiches, some Japanese rice crackers and bean jelly and had a couple of glasses of wine.
I'm not going to feel guilty about this. I'm fed up of punishing myself all the time. I didn't eat some massive unreasonable amount of food.
I don't really know what to do now. Part of me thinks.. give it another go - maybe this time don't have bars for the first week - maybe that's what was stopping me getting into ketosis? Another part of me thinks - eat sensibly until Tuesday, go your LL meeting. The meetings always sort me out and maybe that's what I need?
Last time I started on a Wednesday morning and at my pop in on the Saturday morning I was in ketosis. This time I started on a Tuesday morning and by Saturday night I still wasn't in ketosis - why? I wonder if the fact that last time I was 18 stone and this time I'm 11 stone something has anything to do with it?
I guess I have to accept that if I want to do this I'm going to have to let go of running for a while. I didn't run whilst on LL but I still swam and cycled - albeit not as much. I have to focus on my essay writing and studying anyway I suppose - it's just that with the triathlon in August and the weather and long days I want to be feeling that exercise high!!
I have to keep reminding myself that it's just one month really - or at least it would be if I could get going properly.
STILL not in ketosis according to the wee sticks. AND - now I have no energy - really struggled to run just once around the park this morning whereas I was running twice around before - no problem - so now I'm hungry, weak and getting less fit.
This is really beginning to piss me off. You know what though I'm a stubborn cow and I'm damn well going to make it to Tuesday WI at least!!
Just felt the need to come on and have a childish whinge to no one in particular. We have friends visiting and they;ve all just had curry and wine and now gone to the pub whilst I've come to bed - pretty much 'cos it's the only way I can think of stopping myself eating. Still hungry and pissed off now too. I came SO close to throwing in the towel and ordering curry too - thankfully they all talked me out of it - surely I MUST be in ketosis tomorrow????
If I can just last a month that'll take me well into my BMI range (hopefully - still don't know exactly what I weigh at the moment) - and I have a busy, exam sitting, essay writing month coming up anyway....
It actually physically hurts... I'm cold but not in ketosis yet - the sticks aren't changing colour... grrrrrrrr
Today's going to be hard because I'm also really really tired - this jet lag just won't go away and a bit down in the dumps - all prime suspects in the things that will make gaijingirl lose it!!
But fuck them all - I'm not going to eat and that's that. I said I'd go all the way with this so I will!!!
One good thing though - just put on a pair of OH's trousers (he's a little'un) and they fit!!! YAY! - my wardrobe has just doubled in size!! Heh heh... which is good because I MUST STOP BUYING CLOTHES - we are SO broke!!
Also applied for a job this morning - must apply for more - need money!!
Yesterday ended well and today has been fine so far. I'm a little bit peckish at the moment and verging on a tantrum wanting to eat some food - the bread in the kitchen looks so good and I've gotten out loads of Japanese cakes/rice crackers etc we were given as gifts to offer to guests we have coming over later on. S'not fair - I want to have some too!
BUT - I know it'll be worth it - I don't have to be on LL for as long this time and I am still self conscious about my figure and I want to not be - especially over summer. Plus I'm bloody freezing - two jumpers and the heating on whilst everyone else is wandering around in strappy tops - so I figure ketosis can't be far off!!
Well day one went pear shaped at around 4pm when I got miserably depressed, went out and bought a veggy 3 sandwich pack, 3 packets of crisps and a yoghurt and ate the lot. This would normally consitute the start of a binge for me - and 3 packets of crisps is clearly not good - first crisps i've had since pre-LL, I then passed out and fell asleep through jet lag - which makes it even more annoying - if I'd just allowed myself to fall asleep I'd have gotten through the whole day without eating.
So day two - yesterday I wake up with sabotage on my mind. I hit Tesco at 8:30am and bought SHIT LOADS of food - mostly of the bready, crispy variety. I ate a fair bit - but not all, and then threw up...
However, I decided then that rather than starting the next day - I was going to start right there and then. So I put on my running shoes and went for a run around the park - just 2.5k. I carried on yesterday with a milkshake, a soup and a bar.
I've started this morning with a 5k run around the park and I'm feeling pretty positive. I slipped up and obviously 5 months of LL hasn't just erased all my old problems but I've drawn a line under it and I'm back on track.
I've been thinking about why I did it. When I came off LL pre-Japan I was on "management" and tbh I didn't exactly follow it to the letter, but I made sensible choices - by and large. Nothing was really forbidden anyway as I knew I would be eating freely in Japan, so I didn't really feel that urge to buy "bad" things.
The whole time during Japan, whilst there was chocolate and cake at times, by and large I ate ok, and more importantly I ate at meal times and was aware of what I was doing. I went running every second day, cycled more days than not, I went swimming a couple of times, I found a gym and went there too and I played tennis and walked loads. BUT - the minute I get back and suddenly EVERYTHING is off limits as I'm supposed to be going back onto foodpacks, the most ludicrous food becomes attractive - in huge quantities and until I feel I want to be sick!!
I always knew this was my problem but it really does demonstrate to me - once I'm off this for good, I'm never going to not allow myself anything again!! I CAN regulate my eating quite well as long as I don't get into the trap of not allowing myself something!!
Anyway, another few days hopefully and I'll be back in good old comfy ketosis.
Other good news - I was convinced I'd put on loads of weight but my housemate brought home some size 14 Warehouse tiny shorts last night (I didn't think I could fit into Warehouse size 16 even pre-Japan) but they fit!! So maybe I'm not as porky as I feel?
I'm back - up early due to the fact that I'm running 8 hours ahead - still on Japan time.
I had the most amazing, wonderful - life changing really - time in Japan. Going back "home" after seven years was a really difficult thing to do and involved a LOT of tears. It was wierd to see that things had moved on and somehow life went ahead without me!!! My old house has been knocked down and my former students are now all grown up, married with kids and moved away.
Managed to get in some snowboarding in my old ski resort and took gaijinboy to a proper old onsen resort - this one:
The cherry blossoms were just at their peak in Kyoto and as it was the first week in spring we also got to see the maiko (apprentice geisha) dance and go inside the Kyoto imperial palace - both of these things happen very rarely so we were lucky.
It was great practice for my Japanese and seeing old friends was amazing. The teaching was fantastic and made me realise how much I miss working with those kinds of students.
I was afraid that I would go and it would make me regret some of the decisions I made 7 year ago - ie not marrying my Japanese boyfriend and moving away. These are things I've been struggling with for a long time - but actually it confirmed to me that at least the first part of that dilemma I dealt with correctly and reminded me how lucky I am with gaijinboy who really is the light of my life. But it did make me wish I still lived in Japan - so I guess I'll just have to make do with trips back. At least now I know that with the help of some pretty full on drugs I can make it there and back.
Weight wise - I weighed myself right through and it remained constant - but about 5 days ago I tried again on a friends scales and it seemed a couple of kilos higher - the day before on another set it was the same as all the others had been - I know it could just be the scales but I also feel really porky - my clothes are no tighter but I really don't feel good in myself - I'm pretty sure that my face is bigger and there's an extra roll around my stomach.
Anyway, from today I'm back on my LL packs to try and lose just a little more - so it's going to be a tough few days whilst I break through the hunger barrier back into ketosis!!! I'll give tomorrow's meeting a miss as I now have a very short time to write a very long essay as well as apply for jobs, sort out my garden which has gone beserk in my absence and generally get life back on track.....
Obviously I don't know what I weigh at the moment on my counsellors scales but will start a new tracker at 12 stone as I reckon if I've gotten away with just 4lbs gain I'll have been very lucky!!
Ok.. the title of this post is what I need to keep telling myself about tomorrow's flight because I'm struggling a bit with my nerves at the moment.
It's going to be great
It's going to be great.
I mean - to be honest, if nothing else it will be an opportunity to just sit down and do nothing for a while!
Anyway - yesterday - foodwise went very well.
I had a very small Fresh and Wild lunch box thing which had hummous, salad, falafel and cous cous - only 190 cals and 1g sat fat. It was very small, but really delicious too!
I also had a small Shapers Bar from Boots (forgot my LL bars) 89 calories.
I had some pear puree which was about 135 calories. (I know all this 'cos I was out and about but forgot to bring any soup/bars etc).
Then in the evening I had 5 veg gyoza and a tofu steak in a ginger sauce on beansprouts and some edamame.
Oh and I had a zero point yoghurt too.
I also had a pretty full on session in the gym doing intervals - really sweated and worked hard! Also did some abdominal work.
The BAD thing about yesterday was I got rather drunk on red and plum wine - luckily I also danced A LOT! What was GOOD about it though was that I alternated my wine with water and green tea - so was not TOO bad. I could still have stood to have less of the alcohol though.
This led to some bread consumption when I got home - although I had the presence of mind not to eat too much and it was rye and sunflower bread - so actually quite good I think!
Of course today though I'm not in a good way. It's SO not worth getting drunk like that. Last night I was with very old friends who I don't always get to see that much who have been dying for me to go out dancing and drinking with them again for the longest time. So I don't feel bad about it. But in my heart I think I know that my partying days are over. I don't really want to drink at all I think - or at least not like I used to. A night like last night maybe a couple of times a year is ok but I hate the way I feel today. I feel so depressed and down and basically just miserable - really hate myselt. Luckily I know it's hangover related and of course the flight tomorrow doesn't help.
Just need to get through today and tomorrow's flight and then I'll be in Japan!
