10/04/2006 06:27
DAY ONE!!!!!
The Negative
I went to my 1st meeting last. I had been feeling really excited about starting LL since I got the call late last week - so positive and happy, if a little apprehensive. But once I got to my meeting I felt really depressed. It may be because I was a bit sleep deprived and I had just got my period. Also, I'm not sure that my counsellor likes me v. much. In fact, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me at all. And I'm not sure that I'm all that satisfied with him either! I didn't understand one of his explanations and he was quite short with me. To be fair though, I wasn't the only person in the group who didn't understand what he was talking about!!
Anyway, I came home and had a bit of a sob. Actually, I also had a bit of a sob on the way home! I think partly because I can't quite believe it's come to this. What have I done to myself that I'm now having to resort to sachets of "food" in order to sort myself out.
I also am terrified of failing. I don't fail generally at things. I've always been quite good at most things. Except self image, weight and self esteem. In my mind, I've already failed because the others at my class seemed so positive and gung-ho and up for it. I just felt like I was fighting back the tears - and a few times I had to hang my head to hide them welling up. In every other area of my life that's just not me!! I've done triathlons, the Moonwalk, moved abroad to a country where I couldn't speak the language and lived there very successfully for 4 years, last year I did something that made me physically sick every morning for 3 months - but I saw it through to the end and succeeded. But this... this is my nemesis. Already it feels like I'm failing just because I'm afraid. And this somehow seems to negate everything else that I've achieved. No matter how much I succeed in other areas of life - this makes everything else worthless.
I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up at 4am and couldn't stop thinking about it all. I'm worried that I won't be able to benefit from counselling if my counsellor and I don't get on. I'm worried about signing something which commits me to spending £66 a week with him. I understand that I have to pay for the foodpacks, but I don't want to pay for ineffectual counselling. I wonder if I should find another counsellor. I called LL and it seems I can change counsellors. I have checked out a couple who look good. The only problem being they're a little far away from here. One is still cycling distance - just not a fantastic journey - and the other is do-able on the underground.
Then I called gaijinboy and asked his advice. He reckons I should give it a little longer with this guy and if I'm still unhappy with him - then change. I don't know how that works with signing this agreement thing - but I haven't yet and if he pressures me into doing so, I guess I'll just be honest with him.
The positive!
I haven't eaten yet this morning! I have, however, drunk almost a litre of water and a green tea!! I got quite well prepared for this by buying gaijinboy a week's worth of food - all with meat in it, so it's no temptation to me at all! And I bought a new blender so I can blend my milkshake things with ice to make them a bit nicer! The blender is in the dishwasher and when that's done - I'll tryout my first foodpack! I don't half fancy a couple of slices of toast though!