Two months in - head muddle
I thought I'd better update - I've just realised it's been nearly two months since I did!
So, after coming off LL and onto management and the initial 5lbs gain, I then managed to lose that weight again - probably because of all the exercise I've been doing.
I went for a WI two weeks ago and I was still the same weight as I was at my lowest - 10 stone 11lbs - so I have managed to maintain.
That being said, I'm convinced I've gained weight. Maybe I have gained weight in the last two weeks? Or maybe it's all in my head. Either way I feel very fat indeed and I'm sure my clothes are tighter - but maybe they're not? I have also been really struggling with the bulimia. The last week or so I've been ok, but there have been weeks where it's really NOT been ok - AT ALL.
Plus, I have gallstones. I've had two, unbelievably painful, gallstone attacks. I had an ultrasound scan last week and I seem to be awash with the little buggers. I don't know what will be done about it yet. I'm hoping that I will have no more attacks and can avoid having my gallbladder removed - that would be at least two weeks out of my normal schedule and I can't really do that. Both attacks occurred after there was cream in my meal - so I have refused cream and been careful not to have too much oil/fat in one go since. I'm happy to continue with that - and obviously it's good weight-wise too.
It's wierd - every week on LL when I heard I'd lost weight I'd feel thin - even when I was still very overweight. But now that I don't hear that anymore, I just feel fatter and fatter as time goes on.
Anyway, in the interim I have been doing a LOT of exercise. 10 days ago I did a triathlon and another one 3 days ago. Next Sunday I will be doing an olympic distance triathlon (twice the distance of the last two - ie: 1500m swim, 40k bike ride, 10k run). I'm pretty worried about it. I know I'll finish, but doing half that amount is hard enough!! The main problem is the running. I have, once a week, been doing a 10k - running to college from home (as well as shorter 5k runs most other days) but I really am a bad runner and after all the swimming and cycling - well it's almost impossible. I've obviously managed to run 5k at the end of the last few triathlons, but I really can't envisage managing 10k next Sunday!
The good news is that during these last two triathlons I've done really well. I was the fastest female swimmer in the first, and I beat the times of the 3 blokes I went with for the bike ride in the second, 2 of them for the swim, and at least 1 of them for the run. Plus I beat my own personal best overall time by more than 30 minutes!!
What this has made me feel though is that I still would like to lose a stone or two. Although I am within my BMI and a reasonably healthy size, I am definitely still carrying more fat than I want to be. I am easily the largest, lardiest woman at these events - the other girls are so lean. The problem is though, that even if I do lose another stone, I'll never have their flat, toned physiques without surgery to remove all the loose skin. 
But I do think that another stone would make an even bigger impact on my fitness and performance. Of course, a big issue is that whilst I am on LL, I can't exercise to anything like the intensity I am at the moment! I would love to go back on LL for a month in September and then train intensively over winter and come back to the triathlons next season and see if I can't beat my times. I do worry though if this is just me being stupidly obsessive again - and setting myself up, as always, for failure?
Other news - I got a job - I will be starting as a teacher of modern foreign languages at a local secondary school in September. I am pleased, of course, but I really really wanted to do a PhD. Also, I know this next year will be very tough - the school I'm about to start at has a lot of problems, the students have a lot of problems. I feel quite down about it to be honest - but the reason is that I know I will probably get very into my new job and that I will probably still be doing it years down the line - and so this will be the end of my association with what I love the most - Japan/Japanese etc (although I will be teaching Japanese too). I know that maybe one day I will be able to go back and do a PhD part time or something, but I wonder if, realistically, that will ever happen?
And talking of Japan, I'm going out there next week again - for just over 3 weeks. I am looking forward to it - but I'm also scared, mainly because of the flight I guess. Kublai isn't coming this time, so I feel sad about that already. I'll really miss him. But my bestest friend in the whole world (who is American and lives in Philadelphia) who lived with me for 3 years in the same tiny village, is coming out at the same time and we're going back together. I can't wait to see her and be together with her there! It will, however, be another emotional rollercoaster and having been through so many of those this year, I'm worried about how I'm going to cope with that and then coming back and two days later starting this really tough new job!! I just need to stop worrying I guess.
So lots of good stuff there, but it all seems submerged in bad things to me at the moment (and I'm generally a very optimistic person!). I've just finished my dissertation and I'm putting the final touches to it at the moment - but I really feel sad because I don't want to leave SOAS. Also I really want to get a top mark for my MA, but I'm scared I haven't really done well enough. I wish I could carry on and do a PhD and train lots at the gym and go to Japan on research trips.
Anyway, I need to chill out a bit really and stop trying to deal with everything at once.
Sorry for the long, rambling stream of consciousness...