DAY 26 - very down.

Well I had been revising like a crazy woman - up at 5:30-6am, back home from library 9-10pm when I got invited to two job interviews - one on Thursday and one on Friday.  Being teaching positions they take a lot of preparation as I have to teach a class, draw up a full lesson plan, attend an interview etc.  Being me, this means a full 2-3 days preparation.

I turned down one interview as I just couldn't do both and it was at my least favoured school (out of those I've applied to) anyway.  I took 3 days out - retaught myself Spanish, went to the i/v yesterday.

I had one i/v before where I had an excellent lesson, but they felt my language wasn't strong enough in the lesson (it was French that time and the problem with both French and Spanish is that I've been studying Japanese intensively for a year now - so they are a bit shit!).

So I was paranoid about the lesson.  Well bloody typical - the lesson went fine, the interview went pants.  Interviews are the one thing I do well in and I cocked it up.  I really feel like I threw the opportunity away.

Didn't get the job and I would have really really loved to work in that school - it's a lovely place and a great position.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I really do feel like I've been working SO SO hard recently, really pushing myself, focusing.  And I KNOW I'm a good teacher.  I don't go out, I go to evening classes, spend most of my time studying, filling in applications etc and yet I just don't get anywhere.  On top of that I got the 2nd essay back in a row which was just shy of a distinction.  It's SO FRUSTRATING.  I put hours and hours and hours into it, read scores of books.  I really wanted to get a distinction. 

I just feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough and I never will be.  I feel a bit useless.  What's the point of all this pushing myself and pushing myself only to get absolutely nowhere. 

I know this is extreme.  I know I'm looking at the negatives and not the positives, but I set myself goals and just don't achieve them.  They should be achiveable and I can't really do anything more other than give up the 5-6 hours sleep a night I get to study harder/work more etc.

I feel like I need to face the fact that I'm just not that good enough.  Written down that looks very drama queen like - but right now I don't like myself very much.

The only small mercy is that I didn't treat myself with food.  The impulse to do so wasn't even THAT strong.  I did have two bars instead of one - mostly because I came home and went to bed and didn't want to get out for a while - even to make a shake.  I ate about 5 cashew nuts just because I felt a bit "FUCK YOU" - but actually in my heart I didn't really want them or want to eat. 

What I would dearly have loved was several bottles of wine, preferably with vodka chasers.  I got the associated headache anyway from crying.

God I really am a drama queen...

Well off to the library today.  Only two days now to revise the entire Japanese language!!!

not a drama queen!

i wrote a long response and it's disappeared into the ether of the interweb!  Damn...

I just wanted to let you know that you are *not* a drama queen.  And you are not alone.  Academia, especially, puts a lot of pressure on you to do your best, achieve the greatest goals and get the highest marks.  So often, we equate our grades as personal reflections of ourselves - and they're really *really* not the same.

It sounds to me like you are pushing yourself very hard and the one thing you are not doing enough of is acknowledging your accomplishments and successes.  I *know* it sucks to be so close to a distinction, but dammit girl, you got a high 60!  In post-graduate studies!  I've heard that something like 7% of the population goes on to study at the graduate level and if you're pulling in the marks you're pulling in, in addition to everything else - you deserve one big glass of champagne and many heartfelt, gobsmacked-at-your-success pats on the back.

I'm sorry to hear about the job interview.  That is disappointing.  But there will be more.  Lots more.  Hopefully you'll be able to take your experience and improve on the next one.

You *are* good enough.  in fact, you are far far beyond 'just' good enough.  You have accomplished amazing things (academic, personal and an incredible weight loss - which is *no* small thing) and you're not even finished your degree yet!

I'll sign off now with one of my new favourite quotes:

"Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk, but always remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" (the Dhali Llama).

Hang in there sistah!
xxN