DAY 142 - FUCK!!! I'm going to Japan!!
I am sh1tting myself. I went for an i/v Thursday for this volunteer thing - teaching an intensive English course for one week in Okayama-ken (not a million miles away from Hiroshima) during my Easter "holidays" from university and found out today I've got the job. It's not paid but they'll pay for my return flight, homestay whilst teaching, travel etc and then give me a week's rail pass for free for afterwards (this covers the whole country and the shinkansen and is a fantastic bonus) - and a discount on a 2nd week if I want a two week railpass! I leave on March 25th.
Anyway, of course I feel sick at the thought of the flight. The longest I've managed so far is 4 hours - and then with lots of valium! I couldn't sleep last night for stressing about it, I've had 3 hours sleep and I'm tearful, hugely anxious and feel like i'm about to break down - I don't know if I can accept the job - but of course I really want to! Career wise it would be a great move as they repeat this every year several times a year and it's growing massively. The group I would teach would then come to the UK later this year and maybe I could be involved in that. Certainly when I go back to secondary school teaching it is something I would have lots of opportunity to be involved with because that's what this organisation does - secondary school exchanges!!
I was offered a similar opportunity when I got back from Japan in the first job I did as an assistant TV producer. I bottled out as I couldn't do it - someone else went instead of me and in the end I lost my job. :o( It's my biggest ever failure and I just feel like this is another opportunity to confront it - or it be something that defines my life from now on.
PLUS I have to give in two essays totalling 10k words and revise for 2 exams straight after Easter - I had a similar situation over Xmas when I had 3 weeks to do the same and in the end I only took Xmas day and NYE off and the other days worked from 7am till late at night. So I'm pretty stressed about that too. I should be able to get one essay done before I go and if I go for 3 weeks I'll have a week left when I come back to do the other one. Then I'll revise for the language exam whilst in Japan (loads of kanji - they make us remember how to bloody write them off the top of our heads at SOAS..:o( and lots of grammar. But, to be honest, 3 weeks in Japan will be the best revision for that anyway!). The 2nd exam hopefully won't happen till a few weeks after I get back so I'll revise for that then I suppose!
And then the other problem is my Japanese ex-boyfriend! I really want to see him but I'm getting gaijinboy (my current OH) to join me after I've finished teaching for the remaining two weeks (if he can get time off work!). I don't know whether my ex will want to see me and how it will work out with Kublai there? Also I still miss Kiyo all the time - so I wonder if it will be hard - but I can't imagine going to Japan and not seeing him. I think I'd rather not go at all! Plus I couldn't go and visit everyone else where I lived and not him - the population of the place is TINY!!
And then there's my diet. I really want to stay on it until I get to 11 stone but I'll have to come off it probably next week. I spoke to my counsellor about the possibility of going to Japan and she was great. She said she would re-jig the re-introduction of food phase to make a 4 week programme which would get me to the point where I would have enough "re-introduced" foods to cope with the Japanese diet - ie vegetables, tofu and rice.
Luckily it's Japan and not Italy I say!! The whole 4 year I was in Japan I maintained a healthy weight without dieting - so although I fully expect to gain some weight whilst out there it shouldn't be too drastic. Then I would like to go back on LL full time again when I get back - but this means it will probably be June/July before I'm off it again - which is a bit depressing- although worth it if I get to be in Japan for 3 weeks.
I think I'm going to cry again - I just need more sleep.
And I have SO MUCH on this weekend. OH's parents just called to say his cat has/their died .... :o( We have to go and see his best friend's newborn baby this afternoon and I've knitted it a jumper but not sewn it up. :o( Will have to buy a present en-route instead I suppose. :o(
And I need to buy an entirely new wardrobe - plan a week's intensive English lessons, write 10,000 words, plan 3 weeks in Japan and not break down completely.
I think I'm going to cry again.