DAY 126 - Resolved
Well after a really tough weekend and yesterday's shit loss (0.5lb) I should be feeling really down - but actually I feel ok.
I stayed behind after group last night and talked with my counsellor for about 40mins.
I had built it up in my head that I HAVE to get down to 10 stone/11 stone whatever before going into maintenance. Over the weekend I got really scared that I was going to just crack - and not just crack but really binge. I would far rather come off this in a controlled manner - especially now that my weight is ok, than crack and blow it completely.
Also, there's the slim possibility that I will need to come off this for a few weeks at the end of March for reasons I will go into later on.
Anyway, she was SO helpful. If needs be I can come off in a months time and start management early. It turns out maintenance is a year!! 12 weeks of the reintroduction of foods and the rest is counselling as and when I need it. She said that there was also a number of short courses for people who have already done the programme and have put on a bit of weight (like a stone) and want to get it off again - so I could always do this later in the year if I want to get it down a bit further.
Just knowing this has made it all seem so much easier for me. Maybe it's knowing that I have a choice and I won't be a failure if I'm not 9/10 stone before I go into maintenance.
Thing is I would really like to get down that far - but I need to be adult about this too and realise that the main thing here is for me to be healthy and try to return to healthy, balanced eating.
What I definitely want to avoid is losing it, bingeing and purging or just going completely off the rails.
Maybe the talk was all I needed? Anyway, she told me not to look at the scales next week. Go to meeting, get weighed and get it recorded but not look at the numbers. As she said, I have the evidence I need - I'm in ketosis, I'm sticking to the diet, I am losing weight - sometimes it doesn't show on the scales immediately but it doesn't mean it isn't happening.
It's good being in this group as many are returners who have lost up to 7/8/9 stone before and have experienced all this. It was interesting how many people felt that there is a psychological link with weight loss that cannot be explained by science - ie.. your body holding onto the weight for whatever reason because of things going on in your head. Part of me hopes that is true but part of me thinks that the last thing I need is my bloody head to join in with my body in this conspiracy to keep me fat!!! 
Anyway, haven't taken any bars this week either - just shakes and booked in for a colonic next Monday. I'm not letting my body or my head piss about with me!! I will lose this bloody weight one way or another!!
