DAY 111
Another 2lbs off. Slightly frustrating as I'm now only two pounds off being in the twelves - will just have to wait until next week to get there! 
But this week's counselling was really good - really made me think. We were talking again about the idea of the parent/adult/child relationship.
I already know that I have a lot of "rebellious child" within me - I've eaten one packet of crisps, so fuck it, I might as well eat 10 packets and sod everyone else and myself (my "adult self" I suppose).
We went on to talk about how everyone who is fat has a reason for being fat (other than the obvious eating too much thing). For some it's the anonymity, others want to cushion themselves from the outside world etc etc..
I know that I have a lot of issues around wanting to control everything and wanting to do everything "perfectly" - and if I lose control or don't do something perfectly then what's the point? This would go some way to explaining why I overeat - but not what my reason for being fat is. I was wondering if maybe the fat thing is the ultimate in control for me. Staying thin is difficult to do well - for most people - and especially me. Being fat though - that's something I'm good at. If I'm thin I'm in competition with all the other thin people - how thin is "perfect"? But being fat - well I've always been good at being fat - I'm known for it.
To me it seems unthinkable that something that makes me so desperately unhappy - being fat and even more importantly the way I binge eat (which I don't even enjoy, I really don't) - would be something I would want to do. Also I hate myself when I'm fat - hate the way I look, feel - everything. I don't feel like me. So I do have trouble with this idea of "wanting to be fat". But if there isn't something in it - why would I engage in behaviour that I don't enjoy to ultimately achieve this?
Control is an issue in the rest of my life too. I've become ill this week basically from trying to do too much at once. A number of projects I've started (a new allotment for my craft club and a trip to Dartmoor for 30ish people) can be handed over to other people to carry on with. But somehow I find it really difficult to step back and let someone else take over "my work". The same at home - I get really uncomfortable if things aren't "just so" - and I'm constantly cleaning/tidying etc and feel irritated when things are out of place. (Bizarrely my flat seems to be untidy a lot of the time nonetheless!).
So how do I learn to relax and not insist on everything being "perfect" and completely within my control. I've always given myself a really hard time when something isn't perfect and have spent many hours crying on Kublai's shoulder that I'm "useless" and "pointless" - because of some silly little thing that's not so important.
Any ideas anyone? 