Updating a bit
I thought i had updated about a week ago, but clearly i didn't post it correctly, so i will catch you all up.
Right now is kind of rough life wise, i hate my job. It is stressful, and not enjoyable. I work with inner city kids and have no support structure within the school which makes it difficult to work effectively with the kids. It leaves me tired and sad and dissapointed (in myself, and life) almost everyday. I will be leaving this job at the end of May when the school year is over so right now i am working hard to not let it affect my health (and weight goals). I was binge and emotional eating all during february as a result. Wait, that's not fair. Its my fault. I chose to eta unhealthy and binge. I need to start taking control of my food choices and diet again.
Since the very end of March up to now (i know we are only 3 days into the month) i have been doing really well back on weight watchers. I am back to my lowest weight since starting weight watchers which is 162. As i have been saying before i have my birthday and a wedding coming up that i want to look great for. Also, i work at a Theatre Camp during the summer at Tufts Univ. and i really want to be thin and gorgeous for that. It sounds silly but everyone who works there with me are wonderfully nice but i am the fattest person there! It is so aggravating to always feel like you are not as good because you are bigger than them. (that's a me/self esteem problem, i know, but i like to live delusionally.)
So, last night. It was my very best friends birthday. I went to meet her and her boyfriend and some of our friends for drinks at a nice bar and i just couldn't help but feel awful about myself. You see my best friend M--- is this super cute effervescent bubbly blonde who is just gorgeous (she does promotions and makes more money in one day than i make in a couple weeks). I have always wanted to be blonde. I look semi-ethnic, olive skin, dark hair, brown eyes. I don't want to look "exotic" i want to look pretty and most importantly i want to be BLONDE! i will never be blonde because it will look riddiculous with my skin tone and such but i just feel like if i was blonde everything would be better. I know it would be the same but blonde, but i can't help but feel like i don't get picked up as often because i am not blonde and thin. I hate being the "other", the oddity, the "different". It's so frustrating,
I know that this is a self esteem problem that i need to work on, but it is really hard when everything tells you that what you most fear is true. You aren't pretty unless you are small and blonde. I am neither.
Other than that, I do have good news. I have been wearing a size 14 since december (when i finally broke down and bought them, so i had pants that fi) but i have been fitting into my 12's! Some of them still have a little bit of stomach bulging issues but i'm getting there. I really want to be a size 6/8 that would be ideal. But its nice to start fitting into my old clothes again. I just have to keep it up. If i can lose 3lbs a week (i know big goal) for the next couple months i should be at my goal weight soon enough!
I would like to be 155lbs for my birthday and for the wedding i would like to be 140lbs and by camp i want to reach my goal weight of 135 (130 would be better, but being realistic).
So that's all for my update for now, i am going to try to do this more often!