I thought i had updated about a week ago, but clearly i didn't post it correctly, so i will catch you all up.
Right now is kind of rough life wise, i hate my job. It is stressful, and not enjoyable. I work with inner city kids and have no support structure within the school which makes it difficult to work effectively with the kids. It leaves me tired and sad and dissapointed (in myself, and life) almost everyday. I will be leaving this job at the end of May when the school year is over so right now i am working hard to not let it affect my health (and weight goals). I was binge and emotional eating all during february as a result. Wait, that's not fair. Its my fault. I chose to eta unhealthy and binge. I need to start taking control of my food choices and diet again.
Since the very end of March up to now (i know we are only 3 days into the month) i have been doing really well back on weight watchers. I am back to my lowest weight since starting weight watchers which is 162. As i have been saying before i have my birthday and a wedding coming up that i want to look great for. Also, i work at a Theatre Camp during the summer at Tufts Univ. and i really want to be thin and gorgeous for that. It sounds silly but everyone who works there with me are wonderfully nice but i am the fattest person there! It is so aggravating to always feel like you are not as good because you are bigger than them. (that's a me/self esteem problem, i know, but i like to live delusionally.)
So, last night. It was my very best friends birthday. I went to meet her and her boyfriend and some of our friends for drinks at a nice bar and i just couldn't help but feel awful about myself. You see my best friend M--- is this super cute effervescent bubbly blonde who is just gorgeous (she does promotions and makes more money in one day than i make in a couple weeks). I have always wanted to be blonde. I look semi-ethnic, olive skin, dark hair, brown eyes. I don't want to look "exotic" i want to look pretty and most importantly i want to be BLONDE! i will never be blonde because it will look riddiculous with my skin tone and such but i just feel like if i was blonde everything would be better. I know it would be the same but blonde, but i can't help but feel like i don't get picked up as often because i am not blonde and thin. I hate being the "other", the oddity, the "different". It's so frustrating,
I know that this is a self esteem problem that i need to work on, but it is really hard when everything tells you that what you most fear is true. You aren't pretty unless you are small and blonde. I am neither.
Other than that, I do have good news. I have been wearing a size 14 since december (when i finally broke down and bought them, so i had pants that fi) but i have been fitting into my 12's! Some of them still have a little bit of stomach bulging issues but i'm getting there. I really want to be a size 6/8 that would be ideal. But its nice to start fitting into my old clothes again. I just have to keep it up. If i can lose 3lbs a week (i know big goal) for the next couple months i should be at my goal weight soon enough!
I would like to be 155lbs for my birthday and for the wedding i would like to be 140lbs and by camp i want to reach my goal weight of 135 (130 would be better, but being realistic).
So that's all for my update for now, i am going to try to do this more often!
It is one of my favorite lines from The Devil Wears Prada, i found it hilarious, that was of course until today when i spent the day hugging my toilet and feeling like i might die. I swear i lost some weight and have been able to eat a total of 6 points today (although, don't know if it counts because i threw up most of my first "meal" 30 mins later). On the up side i was between sizes 14s were too big 12s were too small but i bet i will fit into them tomorrow.
I also today realized i need not worry about developing an eating disorder such as bulimia. I decided i might consider killing myself before vomiting on a daily basis. It's similar to the time i had my wisdom teeth out, this was my deciding factor in never having plastic surgery or any kind of facial surgery ever. You see if i could have one thing changed by surgery it would be my awesome italian nose. I am growing to like it but that kick in the ass to decide never to have surgery is that facial surgery is awful....as is throwing up everything you have ever eaten in the last month. So there you have it, no facial surgery, no nose job, and no bulimia.
I think i have finally hit a comfort zone in my diet - but not in a good way. I have been good at maintaining my 12 pound weight loss but have stopped losing weight (stupid snack attacks!). I have added exercise into my routine. I have been going to the gym 4 times a week and have been working hard.
Here's the deal. In 2 months is my 23rd birthday (on the 23rd!) I want to look fabulous for my birthday - I have the best pair of shoes and i want to have the best outfit for it.
The second "deal" is that in 4 months my good friend's wedding is happening and i am in it. I do not want to be the fat bridesmaid. In fact i want to be the brides maid that all of the grooms men want to hook up with. Yea its petty but that's what i want. We also get to pick out our own dresses (!!!!!!) so i want to be in great shape so i can look awesome!
The next part of this is the working out. I need to not just go on the precor and do 30mins and get out. I want to really test myself and start adding to the intensity and working to my potential. I am also going to start walking to work again (snow permitting of course, it is Boston).
I also need to really watching what i eat again. I don't know why i feel like its ok to snack all of a sudden. It's not. I ordered from peapod and hopefully i will stop buying snacks, i think this has been my issue. I don't have food in my apartment so i have to go to whole foods and get too much food from the hot bar or pick up a snack instead of dinner. Enough of that. I am better than that.
So let's recap the issues and goals:
Look good for birthday in 2 months
Look good for wedding in 4 months
Work out harder and better
Eat better and less, seriously, snacking needs to stop
Ok, so once again, goals are listed and stated, I can do it. Let's go.
So i haven't been to consistent on this blog or anything but i am consistent on my diet and that's what counts right? I have been so busy lately with work and getting classes prepped i have barely had time to sleep!
I have finally caught a cold which in the infamous words of The Devil Wears Prada "I'm one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight". Its sort of true, due to my stomach flu/cold i haven't really been able to eat. I am trying to eat well still but its kind of funny and sad all at the same time.
Any who, i must quit writing for now, i will be able to write more and keep better track online in the coming weeks.
P.S. it felt really good to see my little astronaut man on my weight tracker get so much closer to the sun! Yay for progress!
Ok, So i have had a couple bad weeks. It wasn't horribly bad, no real bingeing but definitely not on track. I wasn't eating bad food just more of it than I should have. I also changed jobs which is not in walking distance like my previous job. So a combo of eating too much and missing out on my 30 minute walk twice a day has lead to me feeling a little worse about myself and my "diet".
So, enough complaining. How do we fix this. Well, first off i have been getting back to eating better and keeping track of what i am eating. I am trying to find a better way to keep track of points that i will actually stick to. Writing it down works but its hard for me to carry around a little journal and keep track that way, and at my new job i am away from a computer all day so that's not really an option. My new strategy is to plan out all my food for the day before i leave my house that way i know what and when i will eat and so long as i only eat what has already been decided then i should be fine.
My second course of action was to, drum roll please, join a Gym! Yes, i did it finally. I used to belong to Healthworks but i did not enjoy it at all. 1, its all women ,and not like i am trying to pick up or be picked up but god, its just annoying, and 2 the women were always just naked all the time in the locker room....like too much naked. Like, lotion up naked...it was just awkward. It was like, i get it, you can be naked so you are soaking it in as much as possible.
I am really happy with my gym choice. It is fairly cheap (i think cutting out my take out will make up for the membership cost) and it seems like a decent place. The only downside to the gym is that it is on a corner building downtown and it has all glass windows. I kinda hate working out with everyone on the street watching me but my new mantra when it makes me nervous is "fuck them, i am doing fine". Ok, its a little harsh but it sorta my mantra for life right now. I am trying to just not worry about other people and its been making me feel quite well.
Ok, so that's all. Oh! Wait. Here are my new fitness goals, just so they are in writing and i can't shortchange myself later.
Goal 1: Lose 10 more pounds this month (or rather by 3/6)
Goal 2: Be able to run non stop for at least 15 mins.
I'm allowed 1 right? The last 2 days i have eaten not badly (ok, there was some chocolate in the mix but c'mon). I ate a lot and just didn't really pay attention. None of it (minus the chocolate) was too bad for me. I was thinking about it and have decided that the reason for this "badness" is because i didn't write down or plan any of my meal and food choices. Its kind of funny, i thought, i've been on this for 3 weeks and have been so good and careful i can handle not writing everything down. Wrong. So very wrong. I have decided i am not allowed to eat anything without writing it down and on top of that i need to plan my day of food again! It really does help and gives me some accountability. Also, i haven't logged here in a while and i think its the same thing as the writing i didn't want the accountability. So i am forcing my self to do that too.
Technically i have "gained 2 lbs" i don't think that i gained them back, i think its just that initial full belly lying scale. So my goal this week is to eat better and write things down and stay motivated because i have been doing so well!
So, in other news, i start my new job today. The hours are 12:30-6, which is my prime eating time! The school i work at will not allow me to eat or snack during that time so i am going to have to figure out how to deal with this so i don't binge! Here is my plan for today.
Eat breakfast - 5pts 9:30am
Lunch before i leave - 7pts 11:30am (Early!)
Snack before it starats - 2pts 12:30pm
Snack for train ride home - 2pts 6:00pm
Dinner - 7pts 7:00pm
I'll be eating a lot in the morning, which is so weird for me, but hopefully that will make me fairly full for the rest of the day.
My plan for today is to try to figure out if i will be able to sneak in some snacks in between teaching.
Excellent, I managed to drink only 3 beers and i did have two slices of pizza (but i figured it only equalled 10 points). So it worked out well....and his friends liked me, and i enjoyed them as well.
I did my official weigh in today for weight watchers and - drum roll please - I am at 170! I have officially lost 10 pounds! Granted you can't tell, yet, but i am SO siked! I am so happy, honestly even though its not showing the scale numbers are definitely helping me stay on track.
So, that's really all i have for this morning/last night. It's been a nice weekend. I can't weight for this week i am going to try to step up the exercise and eat more salads.
I've lost 8 lbs to date but nothing about my body would prove that. I know that it is probably water weight and 2 weeks from now i will just be in awe of how great i look, but its so discouraging to see the scale change and have your pants fit the same way.
Now, don't get worried. I am still sticking to this diet and not straying and i am actually VERY happy with life right now. The diet is easier, honestly, because most other things have been going very well for me. I am starting my new job on Monday and have put in my resignation for my old one. I am seeing this guy who is wonderful and i really like him a lot.
The only down side to this new boyfriend is that he is actually straight (which, if you knew me is a feat on its own for me - my life revolves around gay men, they are my friends, and confidants, and a few have been my boyfriend before they came out...i know....). Well, what this means is that he has other straight guy friends who i will be going to meet tonight and watch the Patriots game. This is great right? Wrong. That means there will be alcohol and pizza and other bad for you stuff. I am preempting all of this by prepping for it. I am saving my points and eating no point veggies all day to fill me up. Here's my plan:
At the party:
2 small pieces of pizza - 10pts
4 beers max (or 6 diet cokes and rum) - 12pts - let's hope it will not be that much alcohol. I am really rooting to stay in the under 3 drinks catergory, not even in the mood to drink - plus with not a ton of food in my belly i may be drunk after 1 so, problem solved!
I'm at work today so at work i will:
1 orange - 1pt
popcorn - 1pt
brocolli spears - 0pts
frozen mixed veggies - 1pt
That will put me at 25 points for the day and not ruin my diet - or make my weight skyrocket in one day. At least that's the plan. I've been pretty good at not drinking at parties and such and eating well, but i think tonight will be a challenge. I haven't told the guy that i am on weight watchers - strike that i told him that i was "trying to eat better" and that my mom was dieting and i was supporting her by doing the same (which is sort of true) but i did not tell him that i was hardcore "dieting". I think he would be more than understanding if i told him, but at the same time i just started dating him and pulling the "oh, i'm on a diet, i couldn't possibly" seems very unappealing and not me. So instead i must prove my determination to myself and my willpower by resisting the pizza and liquor. I do love pizza and liquor though (and even before my diet i never really ate horribly) but its going to be hard.
Gee, does it sound like i'm more nervous about the food than meeting new guy's friends? I guess that's good for the guy and crappy for the pizza....
I will say one last thing to that delicious pizza: "I don't need you! I am stronger than you and you will not ruin my diet! Plus tomorrow i'll have a whole pizza...yes it will be Lean Cuisine, but it will be Great! So ha."
(it's a little weird that i talk to my food, but i figure if i am going to have a disfunctional relationship with food anyway i might as well be on speaking terms with it!)
I am in shock that this is working out (so far). Its been fairly easy to keep track of everything and its actually working. I know its all water weight and its not showing yet but it looks like i lost 3 pounds according to the scale. That;s always a nice thing to see.
On a side note about a month ago i went on a blind date and it worked out so incredibly good that it was almost too good to be true. We have been seeing each other a lot and having the best time. In another week or so i am meeting his friends when we all watch a football game and the idea that i could be 10lbs lighter when i meet them makes me feel kinda good. I am doing this for myself but its always nice to add a bit of confidence when meeting people. I mean this guy likes me as is ( a lot) and so its not the end of the world if i don't make that goal but, i'm just saying, it'd be nice.
Today is officially the first day of my weight watchers/diet journey. Technically i started 2 days ago - that way any pitfalls or weirdness was taken care of already. I am all set to "start" this thing since i am already feeling pretty comfortable with it.
So, here's my back story. I have always been short and a little stout - never fat. It was always that i was slightly bigger than average or thin but never quite big enough to accurately be called chunky or fat. My sophomore year of college my long term boyfriend and I broke up. Surprisingly this was my thinnest weight. At about 150 (i don't remember weighing myself) i was my thinnest. I fit into my size 10 pants just perfectly. Well, the next couple years leading up to graduating college has lead to a 20 lb weight gain! I could say i don't know what happened, but i do. I over ate and i ate badly. Sometimes i believe i binge eat - i eat until i am so full i want to vomit but just can't stop.
One thing about my food habits you should know, 1: i'm italian (off the boat, italian) so eating is essential and love in my family. 2: i was raised with a sister very close in age wit Prader Willi Syndrome. Part of prader willi syndrome is that she can't control her hunger or eating, she is constantly starving and is obese as a result. Growing up the refrigerator and cabinets were literally padlocked. A lot of the times my mom would sneak in "fun" food and we would hide while trying to eat it so Nicole didn't see or feel bad. I truly believe this hiding of food is something that is now a part of me. Even when i don't have to, i hide food i buy. For example if i go out to grab lunch at work i'll get a sandwich and some water but i may also by a bag of chips or maybe some candy these extra items go in my purse and i will hide that i am eating it and have even gone so far as to lie about having it.
I really believe that this diet will work and i will reach my goal. I am not horribly fat or out of shape, in fact i actually lose weight fairly easily (igain easy too) but its just a matter of staying with it. The reason i think this time is different is because i am doing it with my mom and so she is my acountabil-a-buddy and also i made sure to tell a select few people that i am on a diet so i am making myself accountable that i now have to lose weight lest i be a liar!
