Went to see...

a weight loss doctor in my area. I need some help on this journey. He talked to me about my struggles, gave me a list of foods to focus on eating ( basic stuff - lean proteins, veggies, fruit , low fat dairy), and gave me phentermine to help me.

I know some folks have very strong opinions about using phentermine. I must go back to what I said in another post...I have to do what works for me. I used it once before and it was a great help. I hope the same is true again. It gave me a great boost in the beginning and then I was able to stop taking it and continued to lose weight. Of course, after 3 babies, I am in need again.

I plan on focusing changing my habits, behaviors, and attitude towards food while using it.  I hope everyone is well.

How to keep track??

After much discussion, I have decided to go to a weight loss doctor in the area and get put on phentermine. I know it is not a magic pill, but it is a  way to help me. I am prediabetic and take medicine for that so I see no difference if I am taking a pill to HELP lose weight. I know ultimately I have to make choices and change my thinking to make the weight loss stick.

I have been trying to figure out how I want to keep track of how I eat. Journaling is an important tool when losing weight. I used WW before and lost weight.  I have also been thinking of just keeping track of my calories and fat by writing everything down. Not sure which I want to do yet.  I have been looking around and seeing the pros and cons of both.

I hope everyone is well.

Am I vain?

I have had 3 children. My first pregnancy, I gained about 30 pounds. I finally lost it when he was around 7 or 8. Hard to call it baby weight at that point. WIth my second pregnancy,I gained 70 pounds. This was the one that pushed me into the 200 zone! The weight was hard to lose. Whoever said breastfeeding helps you to lose weight... lied. It did not happen for me. Then before I even had a chance to  try to lose more weight, I was pregnant again with #3. This time I gained about 30 pounds again and got up to 250!!!! WOW.

So after 3 kids and being up and down on the scales, the shape of my body has taken a toll. I know that if I lose weight , some of the issue will go away. However, my boobs will not get back to where the used to be and I can tell that my stomach will have issues.  I have talked to my hubby and if I can get or shall I say, WHEN I get down to my goal weight, I can have plastic surgery.

I do not want huge, porn star boobs or anything. I naturally have a full C or D cup anyway ( depending on my weight). I just want them to be perky again. I would love to be able to wear something without a bra. NOT THAT I EVER WOULD! Those days are long gone. I just want some perk back for the girls.  Of course, my husband jokes that at 40 they are supposed to be down by my belly button. HA! HA! 

I also don't want the flap of skin hanging down towards my girly parts.  I want to have a nice, flat stomach. One that I can put pants on and not feel like I have to "tuck" my tummy into.

Part of the reason I am losing weight is to be "hot". I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel good or great naked. I think if I lose, WHEN ,  I lose the weight, if I have to look in the mirror each day and see sagging skin, I won't feel good.

Call me vain, but in my opinion, all that matters is how I feel about it. I know there are bigger problems in the world other than if I have great boobs or a flat tummy. For me though, I think it would make a difference.

On a side note, I had a great day yesterday. I walked for 45 minutes and made pretty good food choices overall. I had a slip or two, but it is a process and I am getting there.

HOpe you all have a great day.

Sounds corny but...

I had decided to take some time off from writing on the blog here. I decided to really take the time and think about what I really want and to try to clear my head. I have put so much pressure on myself about losing weight, that I was starting to feel badly about myself. I think just the opposite should happen. If I am trying to make positive changes, then shouldn't I start to feel more and more positive about myself?

I became wrapped up in "what is the right thing to do?" and "which diet should I follow?" that I lost sight of the big picture. I became overwhelmed. There is so much information out there, as we all know, and I wasn't sure what to do. I started to try to do too many things.

HOwever, with the time off from it all I realized some things. First, I need to do what works for me. I can't worry about what everyone else is doing or the newest diet book out there. I will gladly listen or read and try to get some new ideas, but I won't let them consume me. I will figure out what works for me!

Second, I will stick to the basics. It is not rocket science, losing weight! There are basic principles involved here. Eat better, eat quality food that gives me great nutrition, and eat less. Then there is also the move more factor. If I follow these basic guidelines, then I am bound to lose weight. The "trick" is finding balance. Eating the right amount of calories, not too much or too little.

Third, losing weight is more of a mind game than anything else. If I am not in the right frame of mind, then this process will not work. I think taking the time off from everything allowed me to refocus myself. I am in control of what I eat. I am in control of how I look. If I want to lose the weight for good, then I need to make some mental changes. Starting with how I look at food. Food is not a comforter to me. I can eat myself into happiness or eat away feelings I may have with a bag of chips. That just causes a vicious cycle to begin and continue.  Instead, I can talk to my husband, talk to my great friends on here, or write. I can go for  a walk or play with my kids. You get the point.

Finally, I realized it is time for me to stop making excuses. I have been comfortable ( so to speak, not phyically) with being fat. It is easy. It is easier to stick to what I know then to step out of my comfort zone and not make changes. Yes, getting up at 5 am will be hard. I will want to sleep. However, if I want to make changes, it is needed. Yes, eating chips may taste terrific to me now, but with time, my tastes will change.  It may take a year or more to lose all the weight I want to lose, but time will be on my side.

I am sorry my post was so long. Once I started, it just kept coming. I am ready to see a positive me and positive changes. I am ready to find the real me not the one hiding in the fat girl suit. There is so much more to me than just the fat girl and I am ready to find out exactly who I am.

Thanks for supporting me and I hope to support all of you too! Brelee get some of those small tanks ready for me! Next summer, I may need to borrow some.

Wish I had something great...

to post. But I don't. I have been chugging along like normal. No weight loss to report. Heck, I  haven't even really been trying. Let's be honest , I am sitting here typing this and stuffing my face with potato salad.

To be totally honest, I am feeling a bit in the dumps about losing weight. Not feeling so positive about it at all. I know, having a pity party for myself isn't going to help. I have never been one of those people who have a goal and do everything to reach that goal. I take that back, with certain things in life I have. I put myself through college, gave birth to 2 of my kids with no drugs, and manage to work part time, raise 3 kids and a hubby and homeschool.  So I ask myself, why in the hell can't I lose weight?

I was talking to my mom about it today. I know part of it is my attitude. Actually that is a huge part. I don't believe that I can do it. I think it will never happen for me so I figure, why bother?

Worst thing, it is great here today... 81 degrees, sunny, and I feel like a fat pig. I put on shirts and hate what I see. I can't stand the mirror these days. Definitely not my friend.

Ok, I am done for now. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope to God that soon I get my ass in gear and do this once and for all. I don't know what it will take, you'd think the health scare would get me but nope.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Check up today...

So I went for my check up with my endocrinologist. It was ok. Here is the run down:

1. Blood pressure - great, but I have never had an issue , Thank God, at least one thing is in the normal range!

2. Sugars - same, still a bit high

3. Fatty liver enzymes - they've lowered and are now to normal thanks to the meds

4. Weight - I was at 230 today, but I have been losing weight slowly.

Here is where I became a bit annoyed though... she is a nice lady, I like her a lot actually. She is one of those folks though that look like she has been thin all of her life, so I am bugged a little when she gets on me about weight. She says things in a brutally honest, but not trying to be mean way.

She told me I HAVE  to lose weight. Eat fish, chicken, turkey and veggies she says. Now I like all of those things, but the moment you tell me that is all I can eat, I instantly want something else. I know that is my mind working me over but I am trying to change it.

Anyway, I decide to ask her about phentermine. I took it once before and lost 50 pounds. I know it is not the "answer" but it helped to get me started and once I saw the weight coming off, I was able to stay on that path. I didn't even have the word "phentermine" off of my tongue yet before she said NO! She said that is only a quick fix. So then I did not push the issue, I felt silly for asking in the first place.

So again, I am losing weight but way, way slowly than I would like and to be honest iti depressing some days. I know that I just have to suck it up and do it, but it is hard!!

I hope everyone is well and have a great weekend.

Been keeping at it...

and going to the gym and watching what I eat. It is slowly paying off. I stepped on the scale this morning and it said, 229! I am excited. It has been a while since I have been in that range. Don't get me wrong, I know I have a ways to go, but it is progress. That is all I really care about, seeing that darn scale move.

I think I am going to invest in a digital scale today. I would like to keep closer track of my weight. That is easier on that kind of scale.

I hope everyone is doing well. I hope you all had a great weekend.

Good day yesterday

Of course, thanks to all the great people who are on this site, I had a good day yesterday. I made a post and commented in a blog about my binge eating between 12 and 4. I received some great tips and support. Thanks to everyone!!!!!

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Nothing crazy. Now, I could tighten up the reigns on exactly what I ate and probably make even better choices, but I am taking it one step at a time. I need to tackle the first hurdle of overeating and then I will focus more on what I am eating. Make sense? I hope so.

I am definitely ready to see some results. I weighed myself this morning. I am at 231. I started at 245 , so that is progress. It is just going slow. My hubby keeps telling me, this is a marathon not a sprint.

Great Workout but...

I had a good work out yesterday. I am still having trouble with binge eating though. I do well with most meals.

However, between 12 and 4 are the WORST  part of my day . I have a good breakfast, snack, and lunch. Then it all goes down hill. I start to munch on everything. Today after my good lunch, I had 4 mini kit kats, 7 whole grain pretzel rods, and some fritos with cheese queso dip stuff.

 I feel horrible now, but I am trying to not beat myself up.
I know change is a process. I just am trying to figure out  how to beat this behavior and I know that I will on my way to health.

Nothing like guilt to...

get ya moving and get your butt in gear. Hubby is my best friend in the world. We had a heart to heart last night and he told me he is worried about losing me. I weigh way too much ( my words, not his) and I have the diabetes issues. He is worried that if I don't get more serious about losing weight and getting healthy, he is going to lose me. He said that I have to make my eating habits and working out more of a priority.

I understand what he is saying. I agree. I just feel stretched otut already time wise. I work part time, homeschool, clean, whatever, by the time the evening comes I just want to crash on the couch, watch reality tv for 2 hours and go to bed. I am trying to "do it all" and something has to give. It ends up being me. Not sure how to change it, but I am trying. I could always get up at 5 am to work out, but God that is early! I will need a nap by noon.  Sometimes I wonder if I am just making excuses. I think it is easier to be fat and complain about wanting to be skinny. It is easier to "cave in" and eat some crappy food than it is to walk away from it or eat carrots.  Gotta change that mental outlook though.

I hope you all are well. Brelee, you go girl. You are looking great and so near your goal. You have been a true inspiration to me and I am sure to so many others. I hope to catch a pinch of whatever motivated you to change your life for the better!