Today was rough. For some reason I was STARVING today. My stomach was growling and rumbling all day. It was one of those days that all I thought about was WHEN I was going to get to eat next. I hate days like this.
My relationship with food is twisted and unhealthy for sure. I remember MANY times eating breakfast and thinking about what I was going to have for lunch. I know that I was a chronic overeater-not quite to the point of binging, but definately eating WAY more than I should. I remember more than one occasion driving through McDonald's or wherever to get dinner for the family. Not only would I pick up food for all of us, but I would get and extra cheeseburger for me to eat on the way home. WHO DOES THAT?!?! The amount of food that I could eat at one time was unreal. These are the issues that I am dealing with, and trying so hard to overcome. I cannot remember a time that food was about noursihment for me-it has always been about self gratification. I need to get past these mental images and learn how to make it more about sustaining my body. NOT sustaining my mood.
So, today was hard. The thoughts of food were everywhere. There is a small store across the street from the school I work at. I was fighting my inner deamon all day from going over there and buying a bag of candy, a bag of chips, or something equally bad for me. I didn't cross the street. Good for me, I guess.
Here's hoping that tomorrow will be a better day, mentally. Calorie and "diet" wise, I stayed right on course. But mentally...it was brutal today.
Yahoo!! For the longest time, every piece of clothing I owned ended with a "W" in the size. You know 26W 24W-22W as an example. Today I was out doing a bit of shopping with Joe and decided to try a few things on. I was able to fit in a size 19 Junior pair of pants and a size 18 pair of capris!! I just stood there looking at myself in the mirror shocked at how far I have come. The shirt I tried on was a 16/18. I can't even TELL you the last time I wore that size. I would bet it was sometime in my early highschool years-and I graduated in 1994!!
I didn't buy anything because we are leaving for vacation soon and I want to wait and pick up a few things that fit really well before we leave. Right now I have ONE pair of jeans and ONE pair of capris that fit. Everything else is too big and I am constantly pulling them up. I don't want to be on vacation seeing people that I haven't seen in over 4 years and have clothes that are too big. I want everything to fit like it is supposed to.
While out today I bought a jumprope. I think I am going to give this a whirl. I am hoping that it not only helps me burn more calories, but that it helps tone up my arms. Right now I am plagued with bat arms, and I don't know quite what to do to get rid of them. It's annoying to have these flaps of skin hanging from my arms, not to mention UGLY!!
So-as of this morning I am 4 pounds away from meeting my 50 pound 1st goal. I am shocked and in awe that I am really going to pull this off this time!! I need to come up with something as a fabulous reward.
WHY can't I continue to lose like I was in the beginning? I gained a pound earlier this week, and based on my calorie intake I can't explain why. However, I am not back to the weight I was before I gained the pound and the scale refuses to move again. It is so frustrating!! I am so close to reaching my initial 50 pound weight loss goal, yet it seems so far out of reach at the moment. Every morning I hop on the scale fully expecting to see a smaller number, and NOPE!! Still the same.
We leave for MN in two weeks. I still have time to reach my goal, but I would like to already be there. I'm starting to get nervous though about the trip. It is so easy to eat the way I want here at hiome. I know throwing the "vacation" element into the mix is going to be dangerous for me. I have serveral family events that pretty much all center around food, and I am hoping that I will be able to remain good and that there will be some good choices available to me. I also am worried about calling too much attention to myself. In my "real" life-what I eat isn't an issue. The people in my family know what I am doing and that there are certain calorie limits that I cannot/will not cross. That is a little harder when you are staying in someones house and they are cooking meals for you. Hopefully I am worried for nothing, and everything will work out in the end.
We only have 4 days of school left for the year. I'm so excited. This time of year is hard for everyone-students and us, the staff. We are as anxious to be out of school as the kids are. I am so looking forward to relaxing in the sun, floating in the river and just spending some lazy days with the girls.
Today started out on a high note when I saw that the number on the scale had gone down again. I am > < this close to my first goal of 50 pounds lost that I can SEE it. It is really going to happen, and I am so excaited and proud of myself.
I spent this Mother's Day with my own Mom. It has been a long time since the two of us have gone out together without one of the kids tagging along. As much as I love spending time with the girls, I like being alone with my Mom too. You're never to old to want one-on-one attention from your Mom, I guess.
We had plans to get manicures and pedicures done, but didn't realize the salons in our area are closed on Sunday. We ended uup at the outlet mall and did some shopping. I bought the cutest white linen pants in yet a small size than the jeans I bought just a couple weeks ago. I am SO close to being totally out of the plus sizes!! I was able to try clothes on in stores that I have NEVER been able to shop in because the sizes didn't go big enough. Today we were in Aeropostale and I triend on a pair of pants-granted they were drawstring pants-but still THEY FIT! They didn't look good, but they fit. It was an overwhelming feeling. We hit Gap and I had an armload of clothes to try on-AND THEY FIT!! It wasn't that long ago that I was wearing size 26W jeans-that were a little to small but I forced them to zip and now I am able to find some things in regular sizes that fit. I bought a couple of shirts that were size XL...not XXXL like I was wearing before. Do you know how awesome that feels?
I do continue to struggle with the image I have of myself in my own mind. In my mind I still see the girl wearing the 26W and 3XL shirts-and really have to work hard to grasp my mind around the fact that finding clothes that fit is just a wee bit easier now. I was in GAP today and every shirt I took to try on was a XXL. Not a single one of them fit-they were too big. That is what I am talking about. In my mind I still see myself as bigger. I know with time my self image will change, it'll just take a little more time.
Today at work, I had my first comment from a student (or anyone for that matter) about my weight loss. I talk to this boy pretty much everyday and today he looked at me and said, "Are you losing weight?" I answered "Yes, I am." He told me that he could tell that I had lost a lot and that I looked great. I can't tell you how nice it felt to have someone outside of the people in my house notice the work that I have been doing.
I work in a high school and am surrounded by people pretty much all day every day. However, I have never worked in a place where I feel as invisible to other staff members as I do here. It's sad really. BUT that will not take away from the feeling I had this morning when SOMEBODY noticed.
I have a feeling that the scale isn't going to have moved when I hop on tomorrow morning, but that's Ok. The feeling I had this morning was better than any number on the scale can make me feel.
The scale moved this morning! Not only did it go down one pound, it went down TWO! I am have now officially lost 40 pounds! I wish I had some full body pictures of myself. However, those are the first that got deleted from the camera. It would be nice to take a picture now to compare. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, and washing my face, I thought I could see a difference in my face, neck and shoulder area. I have always had such a round face anyway, but it is looking different for sure.
So, I can let go of my pity party and be happy for a while. Today I am going through all of my clothes and getting rid of the ones that are too big. Why should I hang on to them? I am never going to fit into them again, there is no need to keep them.
WHY isn't the stupid scale moving? I'm so tired of this. I have set a goal for myself, and I was well on my way to meeting and maybe even exceeding that goal, but here I sit at a complete stand-still. It's irritating.
The weird thing is though, that I was able to fit in a smaller size pants today. I'm not sure if it was the brand or the cut, but in 2 different brands, the smaller size fit. I was >< this close to buying one of them too, but my daughter told me that they made by butt look too flat. LOL. Well, I can't have THAT now, can I? What self respecting Mom would run around with a too flat butt? LOL
I did well today though as far as eating goes. We were out for most of the day, and when that happens, I feel like my hands are tied and I don't make the best choices-or as good as choices as I can make at home. It's almost 10:00 though, and I never ate dinner, now I feel like it is too late. I don't want my body to go in to starvation mode, but I don't want to eat this late either.
Im getting angry now! I don't know how many calories I have to cut in order to get that stupid scale to get moving again. I thought I had bumped this plateau out of my way but I guees not. Not only is the scale NOT going down, but I gained a pound. HOW? I have no idea. I hardly ate anything yesterday-only because I was busy. At the very least I thought I would stay the same. NOT GAIN!!
I'm so annoyed. I worked so hard this weekend in the yard and have little to show for it. Have I mentioned that I am frustrated and annoyed?
Not to mention that my neck is killing me. Eventually it will get better, but I am so tired of not being able to turn my head. I feel like a robot walking around the house trying not to move my head and neck.
Tomorrow WILL be a better day, even if I have to choke the life out of the day to make it better...it will be better. :O)
I guess I was a little too ambitious yesterday and today I am paying the price. EVERYTHING on me is sore. My upper arms feel like I spent hours carrying 50 pound boulders around the yard. But, the scale was lower this morning, so I suppose it was worth it.
I've been having neck problems/pain for a while now. Tomorrow I am going to the Dr. to have it checked out. I'm half expecting them to tell me that there isn't anything she can do. The other half is expecting her to send me in for test upon test. ($$$) This Dr. seems to be a BIG fan of tests.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings!
A quick update again today. I busted my butt today! We're talking red face, breathing hard, sweaty, I really need to take a shower, butt busting!
The yard needed to be mowed, the trim needed to be weed whacked, AND we have an ongoing issue with our pond in the back yard that is just a thorn in my side.
I started by tossing all the rocks that were surrounding the pond away from the edge. There were a lot and I was huffing and puffing a bit by the time I was done. Not to mention the little issue I had with the giant spider that wanted to attack me. The pond isn't finished but at least this step is out of the way. We still need to finish draining the pond and replacing the liner. Hopefully we'll get to that next weekend.
THEN I decided to mow the yard. We have a push mower that is NOT self propelling, so it is a real workout. We also have a 1 acre lot. So-it took me most of the afternoon, and I literally felt like I was dying-but its done.
So, the yard is mowed and I can see the the trim needs to be hit with the weed whacker. I'm feeling Ok, so I decide to whip that baby out and start whacking away. Project done!
I've also done 3 loads of laundry and am now ready to drop from exhaustion. I'm telling you if that scale hasn't moved tomorrow morning, I am going to be irate!
