Of all the times to be right...

I just knew it. I am scheduled for a repeat surgery on July 5th. It isn't the "big" surgery, but another step in that direction. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this surgery does the trick and I will finally be well and able to move on from this rollercoaster ride that I've been trying to get off for WAY to long. I don't want to play anymore.

Kind of scared...

I've been dreading tomorrow for a while now. I've just had a icky feeling in the back of my mind, and I just can't seem to shake it. Tomorrow morning at 9:00am I go back for a follow-up Dr. appointment. I don't feel like everything is sitting like it should be, I feel like there is something waiting to be thrown in my direction that I have to figure out how to overcome. You know what? I'm tired of overcoming things! I'm tired of people telling me that whatever I'm going through builds character. I have enough freaking character! I just want to be happy and healthy (skinny would be nice too!). Is that too much to ask?

I know that I am jumping the gun, I haven't even BEEN to the appointment yet, but like I said...it's just a feeling I have.

As of this morning I have lost 2 of the 4 pounds that I gained while on vacation. I am happy about that. The one thing that I am looking forward to about my appointment is showing my Dr. all that I have accomplished. The first day I walked into her office we had a serious talk about my weight and the things that I needed to do to regain my health. I told her that I was serious this time, and that I REALLY was going to do it. I think she has heard that many times over from her patients, and I really just want to show her that I meant the things that I said that day.  The last time I was there, I had lost 25 pounds...she was thrilled with those results and gave me a new goal for this appointment which I have BLOWN right past, even with my recent gain. So, for that I am happy.

So, hopefully tomorrow I will be back to tell you all that I was worried for nothing and all is well. Keep your fingers crossed for me!! The best news I can get tomorrow is NO SURGERY OF ANY KIND NEEDED!!

Home from vacation!

Let me start by saying I gained 4 pounds. We were gone on vacation for 8 days and I was worried that I would gain. However, considering that we ate "out" everyday for at least 2 meals I think I did Ok. I tried to make good choices, but it isn't always easy.

I am back on my "normal" routine here at home and fully expect to start losing again. I have a Dr. appointment on Wednesday, and I am hoping that I will have these 4 pounds gone again...or close. Time will tell.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

Today my Mom turns 49 years young. I won't be able to spend the day with her as she has already left for vacation. I will see her again on Sunday at our family reunion in Minnesota.

We are heading out of here shortly, so ya'll won't hear from me until probably next Sunday at the earliest. Good luck to everyone and happy losing!

It's almost time!

We leave tomorrow and I have met and even exceeded my goal. As of this morning I am 53.5 pounds lighter than I was on March 1st. Yahoo!!

After a rough start this week, things have calmed down a bit and I am feeling a tad better, emotionally. Physically, I still feel the same-unsure that everything is like it should be. I can't spend the days and nights dwelling on it though, that doesn't do anyone any good. So, I'm leaving tomorrow-will enjoy the time with my friends and family and try not to worry about "real life" until I get home again.

This are calm around the house today. Everyone is gone except me and Meagan. We've spent the morning doing laundry and packing. Nothing exciting, but it needs to get done.

So, that's it for today. Talk to you all later, and I hope your day is fabulous!!

That unsettled feeling

Ever have the feeling that something just isn't right, yet you can't rationalize the fear within yourself? I've been having this ongoing fight within my own mind for the past couple of days. I haven't talked about it, but it really is bothering me.

I haven't talked about my health in a while. It wasn't long ago (March, to be exact) that I was told that my uterus was swimming with pre cancerous cells. That news put me in a tailspin that I haven't ever quite recovered from. In the back of my mind, my Dr.'s voice is always there..."the cells we found were pre cancerous." It is like a bad dream that I can't shake. I've since been placed on a few different medications and at my last appointment I was told that the cells had lessened by a substantial amount. Well, the medications aren't working anymore.  I don't have official confirmation but I am fully expecting the new when I get home from vacation and go back for my check up. There are certain things that are supposed to happen every month to let me know that the cells aren't growing and making a nice warm home inside my uterus. Well, the tell tale sign isn't happening....my period. Despite the medication that I am on to ensure that I have a period, nothing since mid March. This is a risk/complication that I knew could happen. We were playing a wait and see game with these pills. All seemed well the first month, and now nothing.

I'm not feeling physically BAD yet, like I was in February before I had the D&C but the signs and symptoms are pointing that way. I'm starting to have some of the same feelings that I was having before. Not so good.

I'm so sad. And I'm tired of feeling like I have to be happy all the time, and assure everyone that I am Ok, and keeping it all together. I come from a family and am married to a man that views emotions as a "bad" thing. Talking about "female" issues is one thing that was never done in my house growing up. It was just something that was never talked about. I feel like I don't have anyone to tell that I am scared. I'm sad, and I am just damn frustrated!!!

I know when I go back to the Dr, she is going to tell me that I have no choice now but to have the hysterectomy. I DON'T WANT THIS DONE! Seriously, this is THE LAST thing that I want done. And if one more person tells me that I should be thankful because "at least you already have your daughter" I am going to kick someone...HARD. I'm NOT thankful. I'm MAD! There are so many other issues that go along with the whole having kids subject, and  I really feel like I don't have the forum to discuss it rationally with anyone.  Pretty much I feel like I am facing this alone. How sad is that? And we won't even get in to the financial aspect of this surgery. I have no idea how we are going to afford it with me not working for the summer. I'm so tired of dealing with all of this and having to figure everything out on my own. I've had enough.

AND...to top it off, the scale didn't even move a smidgen this morning. Let's just go for the gusto and make it a totally crappy day!

Alright, enough of my whining. Sorry to be such a downer tonight, I just had to get it all out-for my own peace of mind.

50 pounds!! I did it!!!

I have made my first weight loss  goal!! This is the first time EVER that I have made a plan to lose weight and followed through.  I thought I would have something more profound to say when I reached this first goal, but I really don't.

Now, time to reach Goal #2. Goal #2 is to get below 200 pounds. I only have 19 pounds to lose to reach this goal. Hopefully I won't set myself back too far when we go on vacation.

This is EXACTLY what I mean!!

We went out for a while today. My Mom, sister, husband, daughter, sisters friend and myself went tubing on the river for a couple hours this afternoon. We had a good time, got some sun and then packed up and came home before the crowds got to thick. With so many people we had to drive 2 cars. Me my husband (Joe) and daughter (Meagan) rode home together, everyone else was with my Mom.

WHAT did my Mom bring home? Little Ceasars pizzas. WHY?? I realize that everyone else needs to eat, but come on-we have plenty of food in the house. Now I have EVERYONE asking me if I want a piece of pizza. YES! I DO WANT A PIECE! The problem is that I KNOW I won't stop at one piece, so it is better if I just don't have any. WHY oh WHY can't everyone just take NO as my answer?  I don't try and force food that they don't want down their throats, and I sure would appreciate the same courtesy!!! UGH!!!

One more to go!

This morning I am 1 pound away from meeting my first goal. I will have lost 50 pounds before leaving for vacation in 6 days! I am so happy! 50 pounds-good grief that is A LOT of weight!

I know the people in my family mean well. I know that they aren't trying to sabatoge me. But really, ya'll HAVE to stop saying things like, "Let's go to Dairy Queen." Or, "We are going to get tacos, are you SURE you don't want us to bring you back something?" YES I am sure!! It is taking every ounce of willpower that I have to resist these places that I used to stop at on a weekly basis. I would love to have myself an order of deluxe nachos, or a Peanut Buster Parfait from DQ-but these are things that I can't have right now. So please, just STOP talking about it!!

Not being at work is harder than anything. There are too many opportunities to pop into the kitchen and grab something real quick. I'm doing well, I haven't gone over my calorie limits BUT the voices in the back of my head are talking a mile a minute. It is HARD to resist the temptation.

BUT, all of this complaining doesn't change the fact that VERY soon I will have met my first 50 pound goal, and for that I am STILL thrilled!!

It's summer vacation!!

Yes! This is the day I have been counting down towards since school started in the fall. I love summer, I love being with my family hanging out and just taking the day as it comes. All staff is required to go to high school graduation tonight, but that's fine I want to go anyway. There are some students that I am really going to miss, and some that I am happy just to have out of my hair. I'm looking forward to having a reason to clean myself up, look cute and just relax for a while. It should be fun.

So, I am 2 pounds away from my 50 pound goal. I'm so happy. I'm kind of nervous now that I am going to be home all day and don't have work as a distraction to food. I have faith in myself that it will all work out, but change has never been an easy thing for me. Failing isn't a option anymore, I just hope that I don't stumble.

I have to get my butt back outside and finish mowing the yard. Doing yard work is one way that I am guaranteed to get my exercise in and burn a lot of calories. As much as I detest mowing the yard, it sure helps the next morning when I hop on the scale.