All the crap of this world on my shoulders

Phew! There were so many things that went wrong lately I am wondering WTF is happening.

There have been floods in our country and our house got flooded. So sad. So much damage! But, ok, life goes on. I can deal with that.

Worst of all is...I was pregnant. It took us so long to concieve. So finally we did it. I was on a cloud nine for only 7 weeks...then I lost my baby. I was crushed. Still am. It has actually only been  6 days since I had the D&C done. So i am healing and wondering how to break this string of incredibly upseting events :(. There is more but this two are like the highlights.

:( Things can only get better!

meeting

I was away on a business meeting and am back. I was able to squeeze a run into every single morning. It feels very good. I love morning runs. The problem is I am not really a morning person so it happens a lot that I wake up too late :) But when i do wake up I love going for the run.

Once again, yeah!

There are so many uncertainties in my life right now it makes me sick at my stomach :( but what else to do then to press on, do my best and focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

I started running.

15.8.2007 - 35 minutes run

17.8.2007 - 40 minutes walk&run combination

18.8.2007 - a lovely early morning 35 minutes run into the sunrise :)  - awsome!

I have made the reqired data input at the www.runnersworld.com and they came up with a training plan - 16 weeks long to get ma in shape for a 21K half marathon. The uncertainties mentioned above even reach into my running. Basically we are TTC and I have no clue of when we are going to succeed and get pregnant. But it has almost been a year now and i simply can no longer keep postponing things due to planned pregnancy if the darn thing doesn't happen!

So, i decided I am no longer going to wait for the high all mighty to grant us a baby wish because I am doing all I can and it is not happening. So when it happens it happens and until it does I am going to live my life from day to day. I started running and I plann to continue. I wanto to get back in shape. I want to get back in happines :) and I want to finally accept myself just the way i am. I love my soul :) it's the shell i am not fond of. But I have to accept it because deep down I know that until you accept yourself the way you are you are not a grownup!

So here it is to another fantastic start to a fitter me! And, yes, the weight I have lost successfully with extra ounds have creeped up right where it used to be in 6 months time. Ok, I am 2 kgs short of almost making it back to square one.

I am 90 kgs today. I want to get fitter and loose 10 kgs...again :)

Excercise

I have been having great workouts these past two days. That is definitely one thing I forgot to do lately. Excercise. Yesterday we climed a hill. One hour climb to reach the top and today i had a wonderful brisk walk with my dog in the woods. Lasted one hour. It felt great. I think i really missed the excercise. I wonder why i ever stopped?!?

A lovely weekend

Just to check in. Weight went down a bit more. Feel like I am getting a grip back. Have a beautiful weekend everyone!

Well...

I guess I am still not set on the right course. At least i have it on the backk of my mind constantly. Being aware of it is at least something. It's so easy to push everything under the carpet and pretend nothing is going on .

I went down a bit. That's good. I had a healthy lunch today...just like in the old days!  So, step by step i am going to get back on track. Huraaaa!

Journey to inner self

Ok, yesterday didn't go as well as I would like it to either. There is a lot going on in me. I am mentaly kind of in the dumps. Yesterday I was under the spotlight in my psycho group but we all realised i am in a dead end street at the moment and unsure where to turn towards progress.

I will crack this problem, i have no fear I just have to take ti slow I feel. I always want instant solutions for my problems but here i think i am facing one that doesn't have instant solution at all. It's a process and it ain't gonna end so fast.

Admitedly I am a bit lost. Disapointed. Sad. But i will go on and survive this ordeal .

Ok, I think I have a good start.

Breakfast: Some healthy choice of cereals, milk (1,6% fat)

Snack: Raw Mango

Lunch: Leafy green salad with tuna (instead !!!! McDonalds - cheese burger menu)

Snack: Low fat yougurt, apple

Dinner: Chicken filet, grilled, 1 green bell pepper raw, 1 carrot raw

Water intake: 1,5 litres

OK, that food intake above was actually my wish full plan that went boink around lunch. Instead of that healthy lunch I drove to McDonalds . I was feeling very sad and depressed. And it did make me a bit happier. That's almost the worst thing! So much about my good start.

As I feared...

I had all the typical sympoms of a weight gain. I stopped weighing myself. I started eating without any oreder. No more sit down meals just some constant snacking. I started feeling bad physicaly because I overate everytime I was eating. I even started eating when feeling full. So, no wonder I gained!

I have tough time puting an end to this behaviour. I am miserable in general and food no longer offers any reward or comfort. But I still eat. I am unable to hit the braeks!

So, once again, I'll do my best to do it tomorrow. Applying those breaks, that is. I will again track what I eat in a food diary and I will share it online. I hope it works out for me once again.

I better get back here

Wohooo...my weight is going up through the roof again! I guess....it's not just a guess, it's actually a fact...I have to get my behind back here on EP and start eating right. Stop overeating!

So, starting right now...it's evening and I just had a healhty dinner - one mango. Tomorrow I will weigh myself in the morning to assess the damage done by overeating of a past month (gee, has it really been a whole month?).

I have to do this! I will do this! I am doing this!