If in your life, like me, you have gotten into the habit of turning to food when emotions overwhelm you, it can present challenges to weight loss. It's a lot easier to eat to feel better than it is to face the emotions head-on.
Strong emotions can be scary.
As women, we are socially conditioned to be the peacekeepers, and doing this frequently means suppressing our own needs for the sake of the good will and wellbeing of others. Often, suppressing our own needs leads to unexpressed anger or sadness. We are told it is OK to be angry or sad, but we are supposed to be genteel about it and be careful not to rock the boat. So the anger and sadness turns inward. The easiest way to feel better is to turn to food—it can be easily fit into a busy schedule, and gives an instant boost to the feel-good hormone, serotonin. Over time, turning to food becomes a conditioned response. Like Pavlov's dog, we respond to those stimuli by eating.
It doesn't matter what weight loss diet you choose. It isn't a matter of carbs or calories or having a squeaky clean colon. That's because there isn't any diet magic that can overcome the war raging in our heads.
Unless we learn to change that conditioned response to deal with our emotions in different ways, no diet alone will lead to weight management success.
The only thing that will work effectively is to learn a different response to those stimuli. Sometimes it takes several different responses. When I'm feeling angry, a vigorous walk followed by writing in my journal can help me deal with it. If I'm feeling everyday stress, a meditation session can help. If I'm feeling very sad, just laying back, closing my eyes, and letting the pain of it roll over me can give me peace—very often, I found it was fear of the pain that made me turn to food instead of facing it. When I'm feeling bored, having some alternate activities on deck can help. I always have a jigsaw puzzle or other activity handy to keep me occupied for a while. If I'm confused, working in my garden can help to sort things out.
If you haven't guessed, I used to turn to food for everything!
It's easier to control my environment than it is to control my emotions. A sure way for me to fail at weight management is to depend upon willpower! So it's much better to limit the number of opportunities to turn to the old habits. No chips, candy, pastries, crackers, dips, favorite cheeses, or ice cream come into the house.
So to be successful weight managers, we have to learn techniques to turn the sadness and anger into a different conditioned response—one that is less destructive to our health. To do this takes long term commitment to the effort, the positive support of others, and the determination to pick ourselves up and continue the effort when we stumble.
Sorry I've been gone so long. It's been a very complicated year, and I'm still sorting it all out.
To bring those who don't know up-to-date, the most life-changing event was that my husband of over 35 years passed away unexpectedly this spring. There have been lots of emotions and unexpected discoveries ever since. It has been a lot to deal with, and the weight I lost after the first of the year began to slowly creep back up a little over the last few months.
I've stopped that upward creep, and have gone back to JC to help keep things under control through the holidays. I haven't lost much (yet), but it's really helping me to get my head straight again. It's starting to lead to getting my head back in the game, much to my relief.
Blessings to all through this holiday season. I will try not to disappear for so long again!
A few times during my weight loss journey, people would comment about how much money they thought I was spending on Jenny Craig. It was in the context of mild disapproval, hinting that maybe I was being selfish for spending whatever I was spending for me alone, and worse, that maybe I didn't deserve that indulgence.
I began to feel I was being a little self-absorbed, and was letting others make me a little uncomfortable about it. Eventually, for my own reassurance, I added up how much I had been spending before, on happy hour, machine snacks and drinks, coffee house coffee, breakfasts, lunches and dinners out, groceries at home—everything. To my surprise, I found that I was actually saving about $20-$40 a week!
But the important lesson was that, before I actually added up how much I was spending on [i]all[/i] food, drinks and snacks, the self-sacrificer in me felt like I was spending an awful lot for me alone. I started to feel less convinced that it was my time, and that after all those years, I deserved to do something good for myself. That's why I totaled up everything I had been spending before JC. The self-sacrificer in me had been rearing its ugly head, threatening to sabotage my weight management goals.
I think that oftentimes we let the self-sacrificer in us cause us to set aside our own dreams and desires for the loved ones and not-so-loved ones around us. We put their wants ahead of our needs, telling ourselves we can scratch out a way in the budget to please the family if we just put ourselves on hold. We tell ourselves if we sacrifice our "me" time to please our boss, he and our co-workers will appreciate our dedication and selflessness.
I used to do that. I imagined myself as becoming some sort of martyred saintly person for putting everyone and everything else first. I imagined that giving them instant gratification would magically bring some sort of family happiness about. I thought my boss, co-workers and business partners would appreciate my efforts for them. I thought all of them would eventually come to appreciate all I had given up for them.
Instead, I became increasingly unhappy about my weight, and so did my family. My weight caused me to be taken less seriously in business. What was the fun of a nice family vacation, when I couldn't keep up with them at Disneyland, and didn't join them on the beach because I was ashamed of my body? It resulted instead in the kids thinking that I was sort of crazy for giving up my own self esteem for others, and they resolved to do differently from me. (So maybe that was a blessing—my daughter will never know that frustration and humiliation.)
As I got older, I also realized the high price to health, of putting one's self last. I began to notice the ladies about my age who were having to use wheelchairs and scooters. Some were having to have knee and hip replacements. Still others had high blood pressure and/or diabetes, and their monthly medications and medical equipment cost more per month than I was spending on JC. I began to think of my weight management program as more of an investment in my health than an indulgent way to eat.
Eventually I realized that it was not about the food. The Jenny Craig food was only one gadget in a large toolbox the program made available to me. It was about taking care of myself and finding happiness and self-esteem. It was about a determination to keep doing it. and to never let the life I want to live slip away from me again.
Update: Quick form. I haven't been around for a while because I haven't been doing the most constructive things about my weight for about a year and a half. Gained about six pounds over my initial starting weight on this forum. Participated in a double-blind study on a proposed weight loss drug for the last six months. and lost ten pounds. While I can see some benefit to the drug, we were not allowed to be on a formal weight loss program during the study, and I think I could have done better with more than once-per-month accountability.
Now I am back to my Jenny Craig program, and determined to take my weight down another notch. I feel really ready for it. Enough of the comfort level with where I had been! I just started back on program 100% on Saturday, and I'm down a pound so far.
This time, I have an added tool to work with. I have discovered that the BodyBugg is where reality meets unrealistic expectations, and where what I am really doing smacks up against the ideal I'm striving for. Of course, the feedback it gives me is completely reliant on the accuracy and honesty of my food log, but it has an added failsafe.
In case I should happen to "forget" that I had the occasional handful of m&ms or spoonful of peanut butter, and be "surprised" that I did not lose as much weight as the daily deficits indicate... it does a calculation for me based on my weight loss results. And in a nice way, says, "Hey, dummy! There are 1800 calories you missed!"
Besides that, it is fun to be able to check my wrist monitor throughout the day, so that I can see if I need to get up and start getting more steps, or have met my moderate exercise minutes goal yet, or just to see how many calories I have burned by the time Noon rolls around.
Anyway, I'm armed with determination, have started back on a meal plan I know works for me, and have a new toy to help me make it more fun!
Why does it seem that so many of us get to a certain point in our weight loss and get stuck? Often, it is not a real physical plateau, but a disruptive mental plateau. We hover within the same two-to-five pounds for weeks, sometimes months, with no real downward movement on the scale. We allow ourselves more snacks and larger servings, and pay less attention to the actions that will lead to more losses. We become ambivalent toward our program. What can we do about it?
Think back to the day you decided to dump the fat and get started on this journey. Remember it in every detail. Has your motivation changed? Has your original motivation become less important than when you first started?
Sometimes it is difficult to sustain that first motivation after the compliments start coming in, and our clothes are fitting better, and we are feeling better than we have in years. It's a lot to wrap our heads around, and sometimes our motivation to do this for ourselves gets lost in the shuffle. Why is that? I think it's because when we first start out, the thing that is motivating us is all the negatives—tight clothes that fall short of fashionability, feeling sluggish, a new health problem, unkind remarks or looks in the shopping mall, or from someone close to us. All of these can be powerful motivators, these negatives, and we become desperate to escape them.
But after a while, those negative looks and comments start being replaced by positive ones, and we are feeling better physically, and about ourselves. When the negatives start dropping by the wayside, our motivation seems to follow it. What to do?
We have three choices at this point. We can go back to our old habits and way of life, and end up gaining it back. (And I hope this is an option none of us will even consider!) We can decide that we need time to sort out what we are going to do, and decide to declare ourselves at goal, and start learning how to maintain where we are now. (A very viable option.) Or we can decide that we are ready to really commit to finishing what we started, and take a good hard look at what is going to motivate us to finish.
If that is your decision, start cultivating positive motivators—I believe these are the ones that can take us all the way through to goal and successful maintenance. Start imagining what life will be like when you reach goal. Close your eyes and think about it. What will you look like, feel like, and do? Is there something that your weight and appearance have kept you from doing? Imagine yourself doing it. Visualize every aspect of it—what daily life will be like, including how much you exercise, what you eat and drink, what interesting activities you will participate in, and how your weight loss will contribute to your enjoyment of them. If we visualize it, you we believe it, and if we believe it, we can accomplish it.
About this time of year it seems like everyone is getting into the fat loss doldrums. We take a nibble here, eat a big meal there. The Girl Scout cookies we got "for the kids" are gone. Easter came and the chocolate bunnies met their destiny. Exercise is seeming more like a chore than a joy, and we aren't finding time for it like we once did. It's like a mountain rock slide that blocks the road—it can seem like there is no way to get over or around it.
It's starting to get warmer, and the spring flowers are sprouting, reminding us that it won't be long until it's time to try to squeeze into last season's shorts and swim suit. We know we need to get busy on working toward our goals, but somehow the days slip away until we wonder where last week went, and the scale still says the same as it did last week. How can we get back on track, and focused on what we need to do?
We already know that a quick fix never happens. To make any change that results in weight loss that lasts, it takes consistent effort over the long term. The boot camp mentality never lasts for long, because diet and exercise extremism by its very nature is subject to burnout. To get that rock slide out of the road, we can't simply push it aside, so we start by removing at least one rock at a time.
So how to deal with it, this malaise that is causing inertia?
For me, it starts with calling my Jenny Craig center to get an appointment to get back in and get on track. I don't just make the appointment, I make it with the toughest consultant, because I know she will call me on all the excuses I might come up with, and I tell her that it's time for me to get back to basics. Then I, sit down and write a list of actions I will take to get back on track.
The list includes making a contract with myself to follow the planned menus for a minimum of four weeks, and to track my progress on the menu, which has space to record extra foods, evaluate my hunger level, set goals, record wins, and track exercise, etc. That's one big boulder moved out of the way.
The list also includes lots of small goals, like sticking to the plan for one day at a time. On the list I include adding one more day of exercise per week, or five minutes more per day. The list grows, and the pile of rocks gets smaller. I make a list of rewards for following through on the goals for the weeks—if I follow through all week long, I get the reward at the end. I really really want the weekly goals; that is, a book, a CD, and a set of weighted balls. More than the weekly rewards, I really really want that WalkVest, the reward for following through for the whole month.
I can finally see a path shaping up through the pile of rocks, removing one or two of them per week.
You know how sometimes in your darkest hours, you wonder if your life was spent doing things that made any kind of impact on anyone? I know I have had my moments of wondering if I could have done better for my family if I had pursued a career during the years I spent being a stay-home mom, and volunteering in the community. No doubt, we would have been better off financially, then and now, but life would have been very different.
Well, Tuesday night at Caucus, I had a young man come up to me and say, "I have always wanted to meet you. You made such a difference in my wife's life." Behind him was a young woman holding a baby, and she said, "Hi, I'm A__ N_____—I was in your Brownie troop."
She went on to tell me how I had been the best Brownie/Girl Scout leader ever, and that it had mad such a difference in the way she is raising her five kids, and that it has made her a better Brownie leader herself.
I was flattered, but a little embarrassed, and explained to her that it wasn't just me. I had relied heavily on the working moms for ideas for things to do with the girls—things they wanted to do themselves, but couldn't because of having to work. I also had lots of support from the parents, because I told them from the start that I would work with the kids, but that I would have nothing to do with fundraising or cookies.
A__ said to that, "Yes, but without you to lead it all and bring it all together, none of those ideas would have happened. Thank you for setting such a good example. Tha's kind of why I'm here tonight. I remember when we were all upset because of an injustice that was happening at school. You didn't just call the school, you helped us plan a way to deal with the problem effectively ourselves, and let us do it, and we brought about change. We're here tonight because we want to be involved in changing the direction of our country. Thank you."
That moment, and a few others like them over the years, make me realize how teachers must feel when students from long ago look them up. And yes, they make it worth every extra dollar I didn't earn.
It really can take some time to learn everything we need to know to be successful. A lightbulb moment for me came a couple years ago when I was reading Phil McGraw's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution. In it, he emphasized that environmental controls are much more powerful than any mount of willpower will ever be.
Reading it was part of why my kitchen is now stocked with nothing but healthy food items, and why my husband's candy and other treats are stored safely in his basement office. as I like to say, no one ever binged for long on carrots, celery and brussels sprouts. Or on apples, oranges and grapefruit. They are simply too filling for that to happen, and lack appeal for mindless eating.
In my last writing about this topic, I talked about the technique of having to exercise off that extra treat before it is eaten. After I developed that technique, I had another light bulb moment. Why was that stuff even in the house to tempt me in the first place?
Was it because, in the store, I justified its purchase by telling myself it was "for the kids"? Busted! The kids have moved out, and don't indulge much in that stuff anyway. That's why my daughter wears size 2. Was it because, in the store I justified the purchase by telling myself it was "for my husband"? Truth is, the candy he bought for Halloween is still in his basement office, unopened and uneaten. No, if he wanted any of that stuff, he would either buy it himself and take it straight to his office, or ask me to pick up a single serving of it for him.
It is obvious that if that stuff is in the house, it is because I was fooling myself into thinking that I was not planning to eat it myself. I wanted to have it on hand in case of an emergency emotional "need." Having it there, lurking and waiting, would make it easier to engage my jaws and disengage my thought processes instead of journaling, meditating, or exercising to relieve the tension. Even if it sat there for a while, I would eventually be able to tell myself that if I didn't eat at least a little bit of it, it would get stale and go to waste. It was secretly there, waiting for the kind of eating you don't do in front of anyone else.
So it was there that I found that another way to keep the binge monster at bay was to place an imaginary "Do Not Feed The Monster" sign on the shopping cart every time I went to the store. If I don't bring it into the house, I won't have to fight the monster over it.
This last week I have been struggling not to give in to the Binge Monster. Since this reaction to stress has been with me since late childhood, it always comes roaring back like the scary creature from the closet of my mind at night, but there's no daddy to scare the monster away.
I have to deal with it myself.
Over the last couple decades, I have learned some ways to manage, and to pull myself back from the brink. It has never been easy, but at least now I know that there are techniques that work for me. It all boils down to needing structure in my life when times get tough.
The reason the Jenny Craig program has worked for me when so many other diets and programs did not, is because of the structure it provides. All the tools to stay on track are there, many of them right on the menu. When I find myself starting to slip back into old bad habits, I go back to basics, and use almost all of those tools.
When I am home, the menu is on the kitchen counter with a pen. When I am at work, it is on my desk, just under the keyboard. It is a constant reminder that if I am tempted to eat any extra foods that aren't on the free foods list, I have to follow my Standard Operating Procedures (SOP).
Here is the SOP that works best for me when the monster creeps back in:
First, I have to look at the label of the off-program thing/s I want to eat, to get the standard serving size, calories, fat, etc.
If it is within the Limited Free Foods calorie limits, I go ahead and have one serving, as long as I am exercising that day.
If it is not within those calorie limits, I go to the second step.
Second, once the calories are determined, if I still really want it (and usually just the thought of having to admit, on paper, that I gave in is enough to stop me), I make myself exercise away those calories before I can eat it.
This is not exercise that counts toward my daily exercise goal.
It must be done, and the food, serving size, and calories entered on my menu, before I can eat it.
Sometimes, like this week, I find this very difficult to do, but I force myself to do it. It gets me up and exercising, and delaying by several different methods, actually eating those extra foods. Anything that can slow me down and make me think about what I am about to do seems to have this effect. Sometimes I meditate, find a good book and read, or write in my journal about how I am feeling. Any delay is helpful.
Usually, once I get up and start exercising, it relieves the tension that was sending me to the kitchen in the first place. Since the things that tempt me are usually in the calorie range of about 100-250 calories, the extra 20-60 minutes I spend on the exercise gives me time to think about whether or not the item is really worth all that effort. Usually, it isn't, and I go on to count the exercise toward my daily goal. Or, if I have already had my workout, I stop and find another activity to take me away from the kitchen. That is, unless I go to the kitchen to throw the tempting item in the trash and cover it with the contents of the cat box.
As my "naturally skinny" girlfriends have taught me, there ain't nothin' "natural" about skinny for 99 percent of them. They work at it every day, in much the same way as I am learning to work at it myself. They watch what they eat, eat slowly, exercise, and take care of their emotional needs.
Sometimes I swear the war will never end. In the last seven years (wow—seven years!) I have managed to win skirmish after skirmish, battle after battle, but now I have accepted the fact that somewhere in my reptilian brain, the binge monster and that urge to get comfort from food resides, and will never move out. It is the war that will never end.
Every once in a while, a hotspot emerges, and the insurrectionist that is the binge monster rises again in jihad against my shrinking waistline. It happened again a few weeks ago. I was having the most awful urges to binge, and my head was beginning to feel like there was a full scale war going on in it. I was at a deep psychological level resenting my Jenny Craig choice menu, even though it was all MY choices! I was supposed to have chili, but was resenting the fact that I couldn't have a turkey burger, because it said chili on my menu. I would resent the breakfast scramble or the sunshine sandwich because I thought I really wanted a breakfast stuffed sandwich. It was insane and left me thinking, "What the...!" I kept finding myself going back to the kitchen again and again, not feeling like any of the meals or snacks were quite satisfying, but I couldn't figure out what it was that wasn't satisfied. I knew I wasn't bored with the food, because I really like the food, and there is plenty of variety to choose from. ARGHH!! Then the cavalry charged in with reinforcements. I got an e-mail newsletter from RealAge, that talked about a new way to break the binge urge that I hadn't heard of before. The suggestion was to pick something and have the exact same thing for at least one meal every day. It sort of flew in the face of the JC idea of having lots of variety, but I thought also that anything was better than the wrestling match I was having with that urge every day. So the next week, I had the breakfast stuffed sandwich and clementines or grapefruit for every breakfast, with a latté. For lunch I had a turkey burger every day, with a big bowl of coleslaw. For dinners, I had a variety of entrées. For the daily snack, I had cheese curls. By the second day, I found that the urge to binge was gradually subsiding. It was like prospect of the monotony of the same thing every day had somehow counteracted that urge to go to the kitchen and drift from one flavor to another, noshing my way through a thousand calories or more. So I continued the next week, having the breakfast scramble for all my breakfasts, and the chicken sandwich for all my lunches. Snacks were popcorn. The binge monster retreated, conceding the battle—for a while anyway. I don't know if it was because I had finally had my fill of my favorite flavors by eating them every day, or if it was a psychological calming effect brought on by a change in expectations from the food. Thankfully, it all came down to a complete halt of the binge cycle that I had been devoting so much energy to fighting off. I was finally calm and in control without having to white-knuckle it through every day, hanging on by a thread of willpower.
Lately, I've been feeling that same restlessness that takes me back to the kitchen, so I have been studiously avoiding that room of the house unless it is absolutely necessary to go there. I think that when I get my food next week, I will go back to the same-meal technique again.
