Boyfriend Layers...

So, is it wrong of me to think of my fat as "boyfriend layers"? Most of my weight I gained when I was in a relationship. I think alot of it was stress because I seem to attract creeps (which is why I decided not to date anymore until I get myself at least mostly straightened out and get rid of this built-in creep magnet).

For example:

265 - 245 Aryn

245 - 205 Eric (forty pounds... can you tell this was a bad relationship?)

195 - 185 Sean

185 - 180 Jeff (friend since grade school, realised how weird it was...)

180 - 175 D (perfect teenage love, and I will always miss him, sigh.)

175 - 165 Nick (stressed because I didn't really have feelings for him.)

165 - 160 Geoff (nice, ruined it myself by being paranoid that I would mess up)

160 - 160 Alex (nice guy, notice no weight gain)

130 - 155 Matt (My first VERY bad relationship)

130 pounds - me, at 14, before I started my rapid weight gain.135 pounds in 9 years is scary, especially since I lost 30 pounds at one point and gained it all back.

So, maybe this is to personal, but I was thinking about how I count my weight in these "layers". I was also thinking about a hypothesis I heard, that people insulate themselves with weight to protect themselves emotionally. It feels like with each layer that I'm starting to forgive the people I associate with that weight. I've already forgiven Aryn, and I'll at least forget about Eric.

But I guess its not really these people I'm making peace with. I'm making peace with myself, forgiving myself, and learning from all I've been through.

So I guess this journey shouldn't be just about weight loss or muscle gain, it should be about finding that inner light that will make ourselves complete. Doesn't mean I don't want to date again, I just know that I no longer need another person to fulfill my life. And I certainly don't want someone I "couldn't live without".

Anyway, I guess cause its late this somehow got deep and emotional, probably because of how weight is finally starting to leave my body. I hope that you all are doing well,

Jay