Allow me to Introduce Myself

I am a very fat person. I know this about myself now. I see it in the mirror, I understand it when I see other people look at me and I know they are thinking it. I have no idea why my very own self has allowed me to continue eating poorly and exercise little if at all throughout the last 10 years. 

I wasn't happier 10 years ago...I'm happier now, so I would have hoped that with time my eating habits would have begun to reflect the happiness in my life instead of the pain or sorrow.

I'm 26 years old, and I'm soon to be married.  This fall I am marrying my high school sweetheart...the man of my dreams...my thrill of a lifetime.  And I met him 10 years ago this month.  It is amazing who I was then, and who I am now.  I am 70 pounds heavier than that teenager.  I'm still as bright of a student...I still AM a student, which is even worse to accept.  Perhaps I'm meant to be somewhat of the professional student. Grad school still has me for another 1.5 years. I work part time, and love my job. I go to grad school full time.

I used to be a synchronized swimmer who would do anything to be like Esther Williams in her old movies.  I was fit, then. I loved swimming so much that I didn't realize how hard of a workout I was getting.  I wonder why I stopped going so much. Or at all.

I sit around too much. I always have a list of things to do.  I hate stress. I'm convinced it has me eating like I do some of the time.  The other times...I don't know what I'm filling the void with food for...I also don't know what void I'm trying to fill.

But that's what has me on this journey.  Because I feel like I am a pretty smart cookie when it comes to common sense, and why would I want to stay fat and unhealthy if it means health problems and self-consciousness?  I need to figure out what this void is that is bugging me so much.  I don't want to get married with a void in my life. And I certainly don't want to fill it with food.

I have the most beautiful wedding dress.  It's my dream dress.  And I want to fit into it on October 3.  To do that, I need to be the size I was 10 years ago...when that positive teenager fell in love and thought she could take on the world. I miss who I was. I miss who I knew and loved back then. I miss all that time I had.

So, that's the size I'm going to try to be. This will not be the biggest challenge I have ever faced, thank goodness. And I think I need to keep reminding myself of that.

I don't want these 60 pounds on the altar with me. I don't want them to exist. Here I go!