I'm going to complain!  I'm going to yell at myself and tell myself How disgusting I am.  I have apsolutly no excuse for the way I have behaved the last couple of days.  I didn't go hang out with friends!  I didn't do anything.  Last week, I basically died.  I sat on that couch and did nothing.  Sure I was busy with the cleaning and the getting rid of fleas, but that first week I was pumped!  That first week, I kept up with my daughter who runs around like a chicken with her damn head cut off.  "Mon Mommy, Mon!"  That's all I hear, last week though I cleaned alittle, I de flead my house, and Then I did nothing, obviously nothing good cause I gained!  I effing Gained!  I weighed in on friday at 182 pounds!  Wrong way moron!   I've had the crappiest year and it seems to just be getting worse by the minute.  The greatest moment this year? My Daughter being born.  Other then that nothing but bad news.  BAD BAD BAD news!  Seriously.  FIrst I have to take down my fence so the county can clean a ditch that lines my yard cause some moron decided he wanted more property and filled it in!  What kind of idiot does that?  Stupid Stupid Stupid.  The best part, it took me two and a half months to collect unemployment! 2 and a half months!  I finally get it and collect most of it in one damn check, I fill out two more vouchers and I'm done in fact I just recieved my last unemployment check yesterday!  Then In the mail today what happens?  MY work is now disputing it and if they win I owe, 3180.00 to them?  Seriously?  This is Bull shit!  So here I am stressed upon stressed upon stressed and what does this do to a fatty like me?  Chocolate where's the chocolate?  I NEED CHOCOLATE!  Of course my skinny husband has to have chocolate on hand at all times!  Prick!  OH, and lets not forget this weekend, I questioned the fact that I was not cappable of taking another humans life.  My husband every Saturday gets drunk.  We are on a bowling league, and he gets to drink every saturday he spends alot of his time in a bar taking shots and drinking bud.  Which would be fine but that leaves me to chase Joslynn around and to keep a close watch on Makayla.  This past weekend I was sick, It was way too hot in that bowling ally and I was getting sick feeling woosy, not to mention I could barely walk due to the pain in my hips, it felt like I was 9 months pregnant again!  I even threw a double gutter due to the amount of pain I am in.  I tell my husband, I'm not feeling well.  Expecting a little extra effort from him with the kids.  What does he do...Hides in the bar more often!  I hate it when he's drunk apsolutely hate it.  When I'm drunk, I'm incredibly happy and All over my husband...like a stupid teenager in heat.  My husband is mean, He's never hit me but he just gets mean, yells at me says really mean insincere things like one time he told me I was a bad mother!  So as we are leaving, My father says, my husband david is going to stay and have a drink with everyone, we can go have pizza.  I'm pissed! pissed!  I stop and look at him and my dad.  They both say "He deserves it."  "Really!?" and I don't? I'm fighting all our battles with no help from him.  I took care of our flea infested house! Not to mention the fact that my oldest had diarhea last week.  it was running down her legs and she had a diaper on, my youngest pooped up a storm during her nap...shit everywhere.  She did this twice in one day!  Then I wake up Sat morning to the smell of Dog crap!  My dog had diarrhea all over our utility room.  So I literally cleaned poop all week, plus fought fleas...My husband worked and worked hard but some days I would rather be in a truck chating it up with my friends then dealing with the amount of work I deal with I deserve a night to and have yet to get it.  SO my husband deserves to go out and have fun and so that must means that I deserve to be yelled at and treated like poop.  That's what I get when my husband gets his well deserved night out every Saturday.  So yeah they tell me he deserves it I stop, roll my eyes and say "He treats me like shit when he's drunk!"  Whatever, right who care's if I'm happy, I'm just everyone's little fucking door mat right?  So yeah my husband gets his night out, I spend the night crying or talking to my mom who understands what I'm going through.  We go back pick up my husband, and just as I expect, we get home I carry in both kids go back out get the diaper bags, go back out and get our dog, mean while my husband is puking right outside the garage door.  I go to the bathroom after putting the kids in their beds, My husband comes in and all I hear is him crash bang DAMN DOG!  ROWDY! he is right outside both of our kids rooms, if he wakes them up I have to deal with it.  I cut my bathroom time short and run out there tell him to leave it I will get it.  Are you sure?  Yes just go to bed.  He had knocked down our dog gate.  Which is now broken by the way, I'm trying to fix, of course my hips are hurting,  So I say owe, he comes running what what's wrong...My hips hurt I told you that.  Then fucking move!  No, I'm not moving besides you just broke it...he starts yelling, I cut him short and say could you not yell in front of our daughters open door!  He goes into the bathroom I ask him what he is doing, I'm getting a bucket in case i puke!  I go into my daughters room to put on a diaper instead of a pull up and he blows!  "FUCK YOU THEN!  I was being nice I'm not going to be fucking nice any more...I hope you fall on you fucking face on the way in our bedroom....He's pounding down the hall way cussing me out, I'm trying to not wake up my daughter, which I would have succeeded but he was still cussing me out in the bedroom, I couldn't hear what he was saying but he was loud enough to wake up our daughter whom I then had to comfort in our bed all night.  I'm so glad he got that well deserve night of fun. 

That night all I could think to do, was go on Face book and curse out everyone who bought him a damn drink.  Thanks jerks for getting my husband so drunk he spent a good portion of his awake time yelling at me!  Oh and lets not forget the two very poopy diapers I got to change at the restaurant.  My oldest daughter screaming cause it hurt so bad and my youngest with it squirting out every opening of the daiper.  I was crying Changing those daipers.  I was in complete pain, my husband could care less, I was stuck changing two very disgusting diapers, I'm hiding my tears from my father who will yell at me at the first sign of any emotion and when we go get my husband  I know he's going to treat me like crap, while he is awake. 

So then I spend Sunday, outside of course with my children cleaning out a garage I've already cleaned out before, my husband comes out and helps for about 30 minutes then disappears.  My parents show up, and I have to teach them to use my computer cause it's so different from theres.  I was on my feet all day Saturday, Sunday I could have had a couple min of sitting but my dad was getting pissed off at my computer, they left I hung up portraits, Yelled at my husband for the crappy night I was stuck with and I am stuck with every saturday. Then Monday I went grocery shopping and finished the garage all by my lonesome.  I go in go to the bathroom and just as I start to pee I hear the front door open and my daughter yell ROWDY! So I go out and search for him since she opened the door and let him out, I yell for like 20 min, go in give the girls a bath, take them out and head outside again while calling him I figure lets go ahead and spread some grass seed, he shows up I greet him with open arms I don't want to hit him for coming to me.  I say lets go inside, he jumps three steps and BAMM runs head first into our front door not realizing the door is made of clear plastic and it's not actually open, I would have paid money to see that from the other side of the door...I laughed like crazy!  yay! something made me laugh!  Anyway I'm back on track with this diet I think, I just need to drink more water.  So yeah..I'm done venting. 

I'm going to complain!  I'm going to yell at myself and tell myself How disgusting I am.  I have apsolutly no excuse for the way I have behaved the last couple of days.  I didn't go hang out with friends!  I didn't do anything.  Last week, I basically died.  I sat on that couch and did nothing.  Sure I was busy with the cleaning and the getting rid of fleas, but that first week I was pumped!  That first week, I kept up with my daughter who runs around like a chicken with her damn head cut off.  "Mon Mommy, Mon!"  That's all I hear, last week though I cleaned alittle, I de flead my house, and Then I did nothing, obviously nothing good cause I gained!  I effing Gained!  I weighed in on friday at 182 pounds!  Wrong way moron!   I've had the crappiest year and it seems to just be getting worse by the minute.  The greatest moment this year? My Daughter being born.  Other then that nothing but bad news.  BAD BAD BAD news!  Seriously.  FIrst I have to take down my fence so the county can clean a ditch that lines my yard cause some moron decided he wanted more property and filled it in!  What kind of idiot does that?  Stupid Stupid Stupid.  The best part, it took me two and a half months to collect unemployment! 2 and a half months!  I finally get it and collect most of it in one damn check, I fill out two more vouchers and I'm done in fact I just recieved my last unemployment check yesterday!  Then In the mail today what happens?  MY work is now disputing it and if they win I owe, 3180.00 to them?  Seriously?  This is Bull shit!  So here I am stressed upon stressed upon stressed and what does this do to a fatty like me?  Chocolate where's the chocolate?  I NEED CHOCOLATE!  Of course my skinny husband has to have chocolate on hand at all times!  Prick!  OH, and lets not forget this weekend, I questioned the fact that I was not cappable of taking another humans life.  My husband every Saturday gets drunk.  We are on a bowling league, and he gets to drink every saturday he spends alot of his time in a bar taking shots and drinking bud.  Which would be fine but that leaves me to chase Joslynn around and to keep a close watch on Makayla.  This past weekend I was sick, It was way too hot in that bowling ally and I was getting sick feeling woosy, not to mention I could barely walk due to the pain in my hips, it felt like I was 9 months pregnant again!  I even threw a double gutter due to the amount of pain I am in.  I tell my husband, I'm not feeling well.  Expecting a little extra effort from him with the kids.  What does he do...Hides in the bar more often!  I hate it when he's drunk apsolutely hate it.  When I'm drunk, I'm incredibly happy and All over my husband...like a stupid teenager in heat.  My husband is mean, He's never hit me but he just gets mean, yells at me says really mean insincere things like one time he told me I was a bad mother!  So as we are leaving, My father says, my husband david is going to stay and have a drink with everyone, we can go have pizza.  I'm pissed! pissed!  I stop and look at him and my dad.  They both say "He deserves it."  "Really!?" and I don't? I'm fighting all our battles with no help from him.  I took care of our flea infested house! Not to mention the fact that my oldest had diarhea last week.  it was running down her legs and she had a diaper on, my youngest pooped up a storm during her nap...shit everywhere.  She did this twice in one day!  Then I wake up Sat morning to the smell of Dog crap!  My dog had diarrhea all over our utility room.  So I literally cleaned poop all week, plus fought fleas...My husband worked and worked hard but some days I would rather be in a truck chating it up with my friends then dealing with the amount of work I deal with I deserve a night to and have yet to get it.  SO my husband deserves to go out and have fun and so that must means that I deserve to be yelled at and treated like poop.  That's what I get when my husband gets his well deserved night out every Saturday.  So yeah they tell me he deserves it I stop, roll my eyes and say "He treats me like shit when he's drunk!"  Whatever, right who care's if I'm happy, I'm just everyone's little fucking door mat right?  So yeah my husband gets his night out, I spend the night crying or talking to my mom who understands what I'm going through.  We go back pick up my husband, and just as I expect, we get home I carry in both kids go back out get the diaper bags, go back out and get our dog, mean while my husband is puking right outside the garage door.  I go to the bathroom after putting the kids in their beds, My husband comes in and all I hear is him crash bang DAMN DOG!  ROWDY! he is right outside both of our kids rooms, if he wakes them up I have to deal with it.  I cut my bathroom time short and run out there tell him to leave it I will get it.  Are you sure?  Yes just go to bed.  He had knocked down our dog gate.  Which is now broken by the way, I'm trying to fix, of course my hips are hurting,  So I say owe, he comes running what what's wrong...My hips hurt I told you that.  Then fucking move!  No, I'm not moving besides you just broke it...he starts yelling, I cut him short and say could you not yell in front of our daughters open door!  He goes into the bathroom I ask him what he is doing, I'm getting a bucket in case i puke!  I go into my daughters room to put on a diaper instead of a pull up and he blows!  "FUCK YOU THEN!  I was being nice I'm not going to be fucking nice any more...I hope you fall on you fucking face on the way in our bedroom....He's pounding down the hall way cussing me out, I'm trying to not wake up my daughter, which I would have succeeded but he was still cussing me out in the bedroom, I couldn't hear what he was saying but he was loud enough to wake up our daughter whom I then had to comfort in our bed all night.  I'm so glad he got that well deserve night of fun. 

That night all I could think to do, was go on Face book and curse out everyone who bought him a damn drink.  Thanks jerks for getting my husband so drunk he spent a good portion of his awake time yelling at me!  Oh and lets not forget the two very poopy diapers I got to change at the restaurant.  My oldest daughter screaming cause it hurt so bad and my youngest with it squirting out every opening of the daiper.  I was crying Changing those daipers.  I was in complete pain, my husband could care less, I was stuck changing two very disgusting diapers, I'm hiding my tears from my father who will yell at me at the first sign of any emotion and when we go get my husband  I know he's going to treat me like crap, while he is awake. 

So then I spend Sunday, outside of course with my children cleaning out a garage I've already cleaned out before, my husband comes out and helps for about 30 minutes then disappears.  My parents show up, and I have to teach them to use my computer cause it's so different from theres.  I was on my feet all day Saturday, Sunday I could have had a couple min of sitting but my dad was getting pissed off at my computer, they left I hung up portraits, Yelled at my husband for the crappy night I was stuck with and I am stuck with every saturday. Then Monday I went grocery shopping and finished the garage all by my lonesome.  I go in go to the bathroom and just as I start to pee I hear the front door open and my daughter yell ROWDY! So I go out and search for him since she opened the door and let him out, I yell for like 20 min, go in give the girls a bath, take them out and head outside again while calling him I figure lets go ahead and spread some grass seed, he shows up I greet him with open arms I don't want to hit him for coming to me.  I say lets go inside, he jumps three steps and BAMM runs head first into our front door not realizing the door is made of clear plastic and it's not actually open, I would have paid money to see that from the other side of the door...I laughed like crazy!  yay! something made me laugh!  Anyway I'm back on track with this diet I think, I just need to drink more water.  So yeah..I'm done venting. 

Okay so Saturday did not go as planned.  I ate a little too much although with my excercise points I didn't go over my calories, but I'm still disappointed in myself.  But it's a new day right?  As I've heard before, it's not that you fell off the wagon it's what you do after you fell that counts.  So here it is Monday and I've caught up and I'm back on my wagon. 

I actually feel really good about myself still.  I still feel energized and ready to take on the world!  Which is highly unlike me, cause usually I fall off the wagon and I stay off the wagon, by telling myself, I'll start again next week since I messed up so bad.  But not this time, I'm all business this morning.  Even though I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night.  I could barely sleep.  My unemployment was approved and when I get the card I can go shopping and buy some good healthy snacks for me to eat as well as healthy foods.  So I was super excited although, my baby wouldn't sleep last night either so she added to my lack of sleep. 

Anyway this morning, I woke up at 9 am, I took my meds, I vaccumed the house, cleaned out our food cabinet, cleaned out our fridge, gave my oldest a bath, mopped the floor, did the dishes and took the nasty food out to the trash can before the driver got there to pick it up at 12!  I'm just a ball of energy...I hope I stay like this.

Okay so I weighed myself this morning and I've lost weight!  YAY!  Although alot more weight then I expect through out the next couple of months.  I had a couple of drinks on Sunday night so I expected to lose the alcohol weight that is about 2 pounds.  My main wieght is usually 186 pounds.  The day I decided to start this was 188.  I'm super proud and super happy I may go to my parents and maybe talk my mom into going for a little walk with me.  I'm so happy about my success I just want to keep moving!  Lets keep going!  I know it's only a week and really there is nothing to get to excited over but, I still am.

Cause this weight loss means I went a week, without giving in on my chocolate addiction even though there is a big tin of Miniture reeses above my fridge.  It means I went a week being active not just sitting on the couch hoping God was going to just melt my fat away if I willed him enough to.  My biggest challange is going to be Tomorrow.  I'm on a bowling league with my husband and parents, which okay that's movement and according to my fitness pall ap if we bowl for 3 hours which we usually do, I've burned off 396 calories!  But We always get my daughter fries, which taste super good and yeah I help her eat them, but then we also go to Aurelios and fave a pizza.  I have to find the will power to eat something healthy, something that doesn't have as much calories.  If I get through tomorrow night with either two pieces of pizza or maybe just something healthier,  I may feel as though I can take on the will.  That means I HAVE WILLPOWER!  I WILL CONTINUE TO SUCCEED!

Today, was a lot easier then yesterday!  I was hardly hungry!  I stayed under the alloted amount of calories, I did have a small treat of Chocolate Milk though!  I make it for my daughter all the time and temptation got the better of me. But it's milk? Technically it is still good for you!  My daughter also asked for some candy, I gave her one piece and had only miniture reeses and was able to put it back.  Then Later came My biggest proud moment thus far...She wanted another piece and I was able to just grab her one.  I did contemplate taking another one for me cause after all I'm doing good right?  but if I start in on the I'm doing good excuse all ready it won't mean as much if I'm no long losing weight cause I'm using that excuse.  My wiegh in day is tomorrow.  I feel really confident about my plan!  How can I not succeed on this plan?  Only if I fall off the wagon and stay off the wagon.  All I'm going on is calories. I'm only alloted so many calories, plus excercise.  I'm actually using the help of my Droid Phone it has an app called my fitness Pal.  It's also a website, it's so convenient and free!  Plus I have a sheet of paper on my fridge, it has a list of my schedule, when to eat when to excercise, when to take meds...every day I put my initials next to what I do, if I did it.  I do get off schedule with children but I usually do get everything done.

Plus I'm using my daughter as my personal trainer, she is only 2 and on crack I swear if she's not running around like a nut she's sleeping.  So I follow what she does and with the last couple of days she's getting used to my activities with her so now it's really hard to turn her down when she says "Mon, mommy, mon" and grabs my hand and pulls. So I've been chasing her and I danced holding her for about 20 minutes today.  I might make dance time a permenant part of the day.  It was super fun and I super enjoyed it. 

Right now everything is super opptimistic with me.  Lets see how I feel tomorrow after I weigh my self.  Hopefully my opptmism with continue.  The only down fall as of right now is I believe I spend almost half My day on the potty cause I'm drinking my full 8 glasses of water a day and then some.  but it's a small price to pay.  My plan is to lose 1 pound a week.  It should take about 60 weeks to lose all the weight I want.  I'd prefer to look at it in weeks cause 1 year and 3 months is a long as time.  So 60 weeks and counting.

Here I am one day into my wake up call.  It's 5:14 and I only have 164 calories left till the end of the day.  As of right now I am completely stuffed.  I'm doing pretty good.  I had some minor moments where I was starving and wanted to eat something anything at that point.  I got up and cleaned, I did laundry I played with my kids.  I'm starting to worry though, as the night goes on I'm scarred I will just fall off that wagon!  I don't want to do that.  I keep that picture in my head at all times,  I've gotten so big!  I keep that in mind as well as the clothes I've held on to for years telling myself I would fit into them again.  I want to fit into them, I want to feel good about myself.  My husband, isn't very supportive. See he needs chocolate.  He needs chocolate at all times.  Once we no longer have Chocolate he's all "We need candy, we need candy."  He's tall, he's skinny.  He can sit and eat nothing but junk foods for hours and not gain a pound.  So he thinks I should have the will power to not eat chocolate.  Well I don't have the will power, I love chocolate and the temptation of knowing where it is...Talking about it now makes me hungry for chocolate.  I have to teach myself I don't like it.  It gives me acid reflux anyway.

 

I also did some excerising today.  I did about ten minutes on my elliptical at different speeds and I played with Joslynn.  So I just have to stay strong, I have to stay strong and avoid chocolate, and stay moving.  I get a snack still but I'm not sure what it can be either way I will figure it out.  I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to lose 68 pounds. 

I had a wake up call the other day.  I have avoided picture after picture for the past few years.  I think the only picture I've allowed of myself was right after I had my two children and even then I had a baby covering most of me.  Anyway, I went to a Labor Day Luau, and the next day the person that threw it added some pictures on their Facebook.  I looked through it and saw a picture of me.  I was standing by the bar and it took my breath away.  Not in a good way either!  I couldn't stop starring.  I even started to cry alittle.

I know I had gained weight with my children, I know I did.  The fact that my thyroid went crazy after my last one, didn't help.  But I thought, I hid it rather well.  I didn't want to believe that I had gained so much weight.  I was living in my husbands fantasy world, who would look at me and say, you are not fat...You look good.  I let my husband buy candy loads of candy, as I stood in the kitchen eating it and typing on my computer telling myself standing is better then sitting.

So wanting to stay in this fantasy world, I quit looking in the mirror, I didn't want to see those damn stretch marks anyway.  Avoiding camera time.  But I have come face to face with reality and it really really smacked me hard.  It sucks though because after seeing this picture, the first thing I wanted to do the next day was to eat cause I am so depressed over all this.  How could I have let myself go like that?  I always said I never would.  Well I did.  I now have a schedule for my days.  I will not eat more than 1603 calories a day, added in with playing with my children and 30 minutes on an eliptical.  I will lose weight, I will get back down to 120 lbs, I'm sick of getting tired just to have to lift my 6 month old baby.  I'm sick of telling myself I'm not that fat yet.  Because if I keep going like this, I will get that fat.  I'm 5'2 and weigh 188 lbs!  I will not reach that 200 mark.  I will lose weight and I am going to gain control of my life.