I don't know what it is, but I have been hungry like the wolf lately. No matter what I eat, I never feel satisfied, and I am always clamoring for more more more. I wish I could say it was real hunger, but I'm afraid that's not the case. I have not worked out since Wednesday (damn toe is acting up again---My doctors appointment is tomorrow), there was a snow storm last Wednesday night that dumped 6 inches of snow and ice on us, hampering any movement outside the home, and some recent money issues have all contributed to the funk I am feeling this last few days. Definitely the winter blahs, and there isn't much I can do about it. I can't really work out except for swimming---which I can't see to get motivated to do because it is so freaking cold outside, I have a hard time justifying the expensive foods I usually indulge in when we are trying to cut corners wherever possible, and the lack of motivation to do anything other than sit on my butt is not helping either (although at the same time I am tired of doing nothing all the time). I don't know, I just feel blah. Super Blah. I want Candy and cookies and fried foods.... and a long nap. Maybe a 8-10 hour nap, cause god knows that the 12-14 hours of sleep I have gotten every night for the last 4 nights hasn't been enough.
This morning the very nice woman that works the front desk at the Y stopped me for the 3rd time in as many months to tell me how awesome I looked. She then when on to tell me that I was her role model, and that my dedication and obvious improvements were a huge motivator for her to work harder at getting in shape.
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thanks?
This isn't the first time someone has said something similar to me. And I truthfully do not know how to respond... how to deal with such a huge---and freaking SCARY compliment.
I never thought other people would consider me a role model. It's not something I ever thought about or aspired to, and to be quite honest, it's not something I am 100% comfortable with. It' not that I don't like or don't want the distinction... it's just... I don't know. Part of me feels like I haven't done anything to be a role model, nothing more than anyone else could do... there is nothing extraordinary about my weight loss or improved fitness it was, and is, just something I do. A big part of me feels like a big fake because if it would have been hard, or if I would have struggled, I would have given up...That if it wouldn't have been as relatively easy as it was for me that I would not be at the point I am at. I feel like I am not the person people seem to think I am--this super human health machine that works out like a maniac and has perfect eating habits. When someone tells me that I am their role model, or that I am a motivator for them, I instantly think of the last slip up I made.. the fact that I ate sugar yesterday, that my weight is up almost 5 (mostly water, I know) pounds from an all-time low on Saturday morning. I feel like I need to qualify myself, to explain that I am not perfect, not even close to that image that I perceive of them perceiving of me. It also makes the guilt of not being totally perfect all the time greater because I feel like instead of just letting myself down, I am also letting down the people who look up to me and (honestly, the way I like to see it more as) my accomplishments.
I guess when I look at it logically, I can see that it is possible that I am really just making a lot more out of it than I need to be. Obviously, whether I personally feel my transformation into a healthy person was a difficult one or not, to other people... people who are unhappy with their weight or fitness level, I have done something that they perceive to be beyond their reach, and they see only what they can see... the physical rewards gained by (usually) eating healthfully, and (fairly) consistent workouts. They can't know the whole story... no one can, or ever will because I'm the only one who has actually lived it. And that's OK, I guess... If my success can spur someone else to become healthy, no matter how they ultimately do it, that is great.. so why do I feel the need to qualify my success?
Many many people (like every single person that knew me when I was heavy and then sees me again now) have asked me how I have "managed" to lose all that weight. I hate this question. Not because I am selfish and don't want to share, but because I know that 99.9% of the people asking do not want to know the real answer. They don't want to hear that I learned to listen to my body, that I did a lot of reading, and educated myself and then made choices about what to put in my body based on that knowledge. That I have taken a path of moderation, and that I don't *not* have anything ever again.... They want to hear that I gave up sugar, and bread, and that I workout 6 times a week. So that's what I tell them, usually as I stuff a creme puff or a wad of enriched bread in my mouth... Talk about feeling like a fraud. And even if they want to hear, how can I explain just what I did, and continue to do? I didn't follow a set plan, and my ideas about food and exercise continue to evolve. It's not something you can sit and tell someone. It is both very complex and extremely personal. It has worked for me... but it may not work for anyone else. People don't take kindly to being told "Yeah, I happened to find something that works for me, sorry, your going to have to walk that path on your own." Not that I don't want to give tips, I just don't want people to take what I say as Gospel... or worse yet think that *I* think they are Gospel.
My worst fear is people thinking I think I am better than them.
And maybe that's the issue. Maybe I am afraid that if too many people tell me I am an inspiration to them, I will become some pompass asshole that struts around thinking their shit don't stink. Or that people will thinks that's what I think. MAYBE I need to stop worrying about how other people perceive me, and keep focus on me, and being the best I can be. I can give advise when asked truthfully, and be that role model, no matter what people think... because at the end of the day, every persons reality is what they perceive it to be and no amount of qualifying or explaining on my part can change that if someone isn't willing to really "hear"... does that make sense? Basically, I need to just accept the compliments for what they are, and take the positive from them... not the other responsibility I assign to them...
Or something. Once again, I fear I have not made my point at all.
Well, technically not so much, but I wasn't thinking about Van Halen, or Sonique, or The Firm... I was thinking about the greatest Jazz Composer of our time, Chuck Mangione. Or as DH and I call him Chuck-muthafucken-Mangione.
Seriously, as soon as I typed that, I received Iconoclast's comment, to which I say, you rock, my friend. You rock Chuck Mangione style.
C-MFn-M happens to be one of DH's and my guilty pleasures, and in fact Feels So good was *this close* to being our first dance song... unfortunately it was a tad long, and we couldn't bear to cut it down, so it lost out to Lionel's Truly.... we are really big geeks--- did I ever tell you about how we paid to see Hall and Oates in Concert, and also, Christopher Cross (best show evah, BTW). GEEKS. With poor musical taste.
Anyhow! Since blondeez asked, I will tell you that I have no freaking idea how I hit my toe, but it hurts. A LOT. It just started hurting... I can't remember when. Maybe I injured it when I ran that 5k on Thanksgiving? Maybe? I don't know what's wrong with it, and I am being a butt head about going to the doctor about it. Right now I'm trying to will the injury away. It's not really working too well, but maybe with more willing? I don't know. I have a doctors appointment in 11 days, so if it still hurts then I will ask about it. Unless I forget, which I might.
Speaking of THE TOE, it felt great all day yesterday, and all last night, but hurt like a biz-natch this morning, so I stayed home and did a new power yoga/Pilate's DVD instead of the gym. The DVD was pretty good but either I am doing something wrong, or am in way better shape than I thought, because it wasn't very challenging.. even in the parts where the instructor said it would be. I'm thinking I was doing something wrong.
Well, that's all I've got right now... Have a great weekend everyone!
Edited to add: How could I forget! This morning's BAN puts me right back at 140....So for now at least, it appears that not counting---anything is working...for now. :)
****Extra special bonus points if anyone know the song I refrenced in my title there, and the artist it's performed by.****
Oh yes. I did work out this morning. And it felt so wonderful. SO SO wonderful. I kicked some serious ass. Yes my foot hurts some, but not any worse than it has.
I feel like a new woman. The change in my attitude after *just* 30 miniutes of Cardio, 20 minutes of weights and some supa sweet stretching turned my world around. My outlook is much rosier and I feel more at one with the world. The pain in my hips and back is less than it was yesterday--I may be able to make it without painkillers even.
This no cardio thing is just not working for me. Im jonesing to sweat. I need to run, or whatever it is your doing when on the Arc Trainer. I NEED my fix. Also? I need to lift some weights. Stat. Yoga and Pilates at home just is not cutting the mustard anymore. I feel flabalicous.
I am going to the gym tommorow morning, stupid swolen toe be damned.
I haven't done cardio in a week people. And the swimsuit I ordered so that I can start swimming again is STILL not here (something I am totally blaming on President Ford thanksomuch, but I happen to mourn much better while doing the breaststroke). I have the need. The need for increased heart rate.
In other news, I have been refined sugar-free since the 29th. The first day was so hard. Boy is sugar addicting or what? Now, I still feel the pang once in awhile, but have not folded, thanks to my new found friend, the raisin (I used to hate them, but now? YUM!). I'm not overdoing them though- I promise. Now that the post holiday water weigh dust has settled it looks like I am up a pound. I can deal with that. Unless, really I have lost all my muscle and gained a ton of fat and the net gain is one pound (that can't happen this quick, can it?!). I have not tracked my eating at all since before christmas, and I think I am doing ok, sticking to mostly whole foods... I know I would feel great, if only I could get my sweat on.
Tommorow's post: "OWWWWW My Toe Hurts, Why Did I Do That?"
It was one year ago today that I hit rock bottom and finally decided that enough was enough. I've told the whole sorry story before, so I won't bore you with it the whole thing again... but the long and short of it is that I made up my mind that I was done being miserable, beating myself up and not accomplishing anything because I was living a life fraught with excuses and if only's. The switch flipped, and from then on out I was single mindedly headed for something I had needed and deserved for a long time.
On December 29th 2005 I weighed 219.5 pounds. I was busting out of my size 16 pants. I couldn't touch my toes without bending at the knee, and walking up a flight of stairs or moderate hill made me breathless.
Today, December 29th 2006. I weigh 144 pounds (more on that in a minute), I am wearing size 4 pants on a regular basis, have completed a 5k and can grab my heels when stretching.
On December 29th 2005 I cut the crap and got serious about being healthy, made a commitment to myself, and kept it---for about 11 and a half months.
Today I am doing that again.
I have slipped, more so than I planned. The scale says 144, which doesn't upset me too much considering that I have ToM bloat on top of the super salty lunch I enjoyed yesterday, on top of all those cookies and candy. 4 pounds is nothing compared to 80. All my clothes still feel fine, but I know I need to reign it in. All the cookies got tossed this morning, and everything else that could tempt me is out of site. Tomorrow I will go shopping and re-stock the produce and other good for me things that have run out and not been refilled during all the holiday hubbub.
The plan was to detox off of the sugar starting Dec. 26th. That proved harder than I thought, but today is the day... Last year I went no sugar from Dec to March... I don't think I need that long this time around, but Im not putting any time frame on it. I need to get healthy again, refocus on the god foods, and off of the not so great ones. I'm not beating myself up over the last 2 weeks, and I don't regret the way I handled things... I just need to get back to normal, and not let this become normal again.
My second toe on my left foot has been swollen and hurting for several weeks. Yes. I know I need to see a doctor. I'm working on it, ok! So finally, instead of using it as an excuse to lighten and lessen my workouts I ordered a swimsuit and am going to start swimming again. This is also part of my 2007 goal to complete a Tri-athalon, a goal which I am confident will help me stay focused on maintaining the amazing transformation I have made in the past 365 days.
My other goals for 2007 are:
To maintain a healthy weight by fueling my body with healthy, whole foods
Gain more definition in my upper body and stomach areas by continuing and improving my strength training regimen
Train for and complete a triathalon as well as at least one 5k.
Pay off at least 2 credit card bills totally, and continue to pay down all of our debt.
Become more financially stable and responsible by creating and maintaining a budget.
Advance in my position at work by focusing more on my job and taking initiative to gain more responsibility.
Fill out and complete my IDP requirements, and take at least one licencing exam.
Focus on continuing to improve my self esteem and self worth, work on handling my emotions better and on a more even keel.
Be more honest in expressing myself to others.
2007 is going to be an even greater year than 2006, because now I have so much more knowledge along with the will and power to improve myself more and more. What did you accomplish this year? And what are you going to accomplish in 2007 to make it even better than '06?
Yesterday I spent all day in my tiny little kitchen cranking out more cookies than should be allowed by law. I made Snicker doodles, Almond Raspberry thumbprints, Peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chippers, Mint cream brownies, Cranberry oatmeal cookies with Citrus glaze.... I used a LOT of Sugar. and a LOT of enriched Flour. And they all taste like little bites of heaven, if I do say so myself. Don't worry though, I only sampled them... like a half of a cookie each (except for the brownies... WOW are they good!) Now I just need to give them all to everyone else... how evil am I?! I brought a big box to work, and sent some with hubby to give to the hard working guys who will have them burn off by lunch. But there are still far too many in my house...
Christmas Cookies anyone? LOL
In other news, I'm feeling much better today than last time we "spoke". DH is the proud owner of a new (to us) truck, so no more taxi service by Sara, and I got in 2 KICK ASS workouts this weekend. I have been eating better (shhhhhh, those cookies have oatmeal! and Fruit!--two major food groups!), and even though My weight is still up a couple of pounds from my 140 low, I'm not worrying about it until next Tuesday. I'm not going binge crazy, and I am going to eat as well as I can as often as I can, but I am not going to skip anything I really want either. I am going to drink lots of water, weigh myself every morning, work out Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, and not overdo it (AKA,one cookie, not 5 or 12). Come next Tuesday it's sugar Detox, just like this time last year. Getting back to that 140 mark is doing to be a good reason to get back on track.
Oh! And our power came back on Friday night, Thank goodness! There are still so many people without power though, and it has been COLD! Please keep all those without power out here in the PNW in your thoughts, please!
It's Friday. In the past week I have worked out twice, eaten at a restaurant 9 times, Drank more wine than Id like to admit, eaten ice cream and other sweets with wild abandon, shopped like it was going out of style, dealt with a mother who could drive anyone to drinking (seriously, I had a hard time looking her in the eye she bothered me so much) and driven about 500 miles.
And last evening we lost power... we are still without power as far as I know, and judging by the appearance of our street and the 3 down power lines in the less than 1/4 mile from my house to the main road, we may not have it back for awhile.
Ugh.
These should not be excuses to eat poorly, or not to workout. They should not hinder my progress. But they have. I feel so gross. SO GROSS. I mean, I can feel a second chin starting to form. Not all my choices have been bad ones. I gave all but two of my fries to DH last night (I had a healthy dinner in the oven when the power went out, so we HAD to go out again). I forced myself to bring my breakfast and lunch to work with me out of our quickly defrosting freezer instead of hitting Starbucks for sugary pastries and espresso and eating "whatever" for lunch. But even though I dressed for the Y this morning, and even though I pulled into the parking lot, and even though they did have heat, and power, and hot showers, I did not go in. I told myself I needed to get to work, I needed to see if the power was on at home, that I would go after work. I turned around and LEFT.
What the eff is wrong with me?! Where has my motivation gone?! Why am I letting a hectic morning schedule (DHs car still not fixed---bleh!), electrical emergencies, and stressful parental issues stop me? I need to turn this ship around now. All I can think of is that I am going to fall off the wagon completely. I am going to gain all my weight back... I am so convinced of this that I keep thinking: don't spend that GC you got, because you are going to need to buy some bigger sizes soon. WHAT?!??!
I need some help. A kick in the pants to get back to the gym and back into a routine. Suggestions on how to prepare a healthy dinner with no power or heat. Ideas on how to keep things fresh. There is a big BIG part of me that wants to say eff it, I'm taking a break until after Christmas/new years who cares what I gain, or lose workout wise. I'll get back at it after the holidays... but I really don't like that attitude and I'm trying to fight it. HELP!!!!
Well folks, this weekend is the big party weekend around these parts. My office Christmase party is tonight at a swanky bistro, and from there we will be slumming it up with hubbies co-workers who are roasting chickens and drinking moonshine all night (we are going to be so over dressed! ) Tommorow afternoon my parents arive from Ohi-er and we have the IL's holiday openhouse to attend that evening. Sunday, monday and Tuesday will be all parents all the time, and that means lots of meals out. My only plan is to make decent choices, watch portions, and enjoy myself. I did not get this far to be miserable because I "can't have" something, or be guilty when I "cheat". There will be no cheating, because nothing is off limits... moderation is the key, right? Right.
Since tuesday, I have been hovering right around 140... so I am doing well there. I had (no hydroginated oil added) peanut butter for the first time in forever last night... SO YUMMY! What a treat! I have also been eating a square of super dark chocolate after dinner, which is a wonderful treat to be able to have... I am still not eating enough, but I am sure THAT won't be a aproblem this weekend! LOL
I may not be around much, if at all until Wednesday... so have a wonderful weekend you all, and send some positive thoughts along so I don't strangle my mom before wednesday morning.
Since a couple of people asked, here are 2 fruity variations on crockpot oats. Really, its a great base for many different variations, so get creative! The cranberry is actually a little sweet for me, so a little less sweetner may be in order, although my sweet tooth is GONE, so maybe don't pay any attention to me LOL. The banana is heaven on earth though, and DH loves it too... who would have thought!
Creamy Pumpkin Cranberry Crockpot Oatmeal
2 c steel cut oats, rinsed 1 12 oz can ff evap. milk 1 15 oz can pumpkin 5.5 c water 1 t Stevia (I cup of splenda could be used here) 2 tsp pumpkin pie spice 1/4 c sf Davinci Syrup
Mix all ingredients in crockpot until no chunks of pumpkin left. Cook on low for 8 hours.
Steel Cut Oats, dry, 2 cup (rinsed) Banana, fresh, 3 medium, I used 2 frozen(mashed) and one over ripe (sliced) Milk, canned, evaporated, nonfat, 12 fl oz Cinnamon, ground, 2 tbsp Water 5.5 cup Stevia, 1tsp (or 1 cup Splenda) Heavy splash of SF syrup (I used Carmel)
Combine all in crockpot and cook on low overnight.
) Tommorow afternoon my parents arive from Ohi-er and we have the IL's holiday openhouse to attend that evening. Sunday, monday and Tuesday will be all parents all the time, and that means lots of meals out. My only plan is to make decent choices, watch portions, and enjoy myself. I did not get this far to be miserable because I "can't have" something, or be guilty when I "cheat". There will be no cheating, because nothing is off limits... moderation is the key, right? Right.