So I haven't posted in almost a week. The funk I'd been feeling prevailed
through the weekend, and is just now beginning to lift. I went off program
with a vengeance from Friday to Sunday... which always seems quite logical
at the time, but always ends up making me feel like crap by the second day.
Friday I went out to a 2 beer lunch, drank more beer when I got home, then
went out and drank all night. I was in bad shape on Saturday morning......
Saturday afternoon I hosted my SIL's bridal shower---a tea, which was
lovely. But I also had a ton of leftover scones and finger sandwiches to
take home. And I ate them like crazy. Sunday wasn't horrible, as my MIL made
beef brisket and roasted potatoes with green beans (who does that for
easter---I want my HAM dammit!) for easter dinner, and I didn't over do. I
did come home and eat more finger sandwiches though. bleh.
Anyhow! I took Monday off from work as a "catchup" day and got my butt to
the gym (hadn't worked out since Thursday) for a nice looong workout. I am
back on plan and feeling better---if not great. I did have an awesome cardio
circuit training session today on accident really, and have decided to make
that a regular part of my cardio workouts. I actually ran for the first time
since my Toe injury, and it felt pretty good! I also finally came up with a
strength training plan and am looking forward (if not a bit warily) to
moving to the "big people" room---or, where the free weights are.
Additionally, I have not stepped on the scale since Thursday morning. This
is huge for me, because I am and always have been, a daily weigher. Not
knowing my exact weight as of this morning is a little weird for me---like
not knowing my social security number, and when I put my weight into the
cardio machines at the gym I feel like Im somehow cheating... but in other
ways I feel free from the bondage of the number. Not knowing means the
number cannot define me. And that feels good. I don't know when I will check
again for sure---my official weigh in days back when I was actively loosing
was Thursday, so I may sneak a peek tomorrow... and I don't know if I can
continue with not weighing everyday... but I think that not checking
everyday has given me some more perspective, and is a good tool to get back
in the game of health when I get too hung up on the number.
Thanks for all your recent comments... I am going to try to get around to
everyone today, but if I don't I will be soon, I swear!!!
Holding on to the number (or, a glimpse into my crazy thoughts)
After quickly dropping the Mexi-weight I have spent the last several days
hovering around 143ishness, the number I was at before leaving-give or take
some ounces. Normally, no issue. I have made it a point not to worry too
much about the number on the scale, but to look in terms of how I'm feeling,
how well my pans fit (or fall off, as the case may be), and whether or not I
have been on track. My morning weigh-in is more of a daily ritual---a check
in to keep me accountable. But in the last few days, I have felt like the
number on the scale has owned (or as my gamer-geek husband would be quick to
say, PWND!) me. The thought of getting back to 140 haunts me. I feel like I
have to get there---and NOW! There is no real reason to get to 140. It is
just a number that I have picked in my head....but yet I am fixated on it.
and because instead of the steady drop of excess weight has come to an end,
I am becoming too emotionally involved in the number on the scale. I'm
letting it get under my skin, and Im not sure why.
There are several reasons why the scale has not been moving, aside from the
fact that I am at a comfortable weight for me. There was that HUGE salt orgy
last night (oh, but it was worth it--- I just need to give in and get low
sodium soy sauce, but then, whats the point?!) The lack of "movement" in the
bathroom, if you know what I mean, and the 2 sugar filled snacks I splurged
on this week (and regretted instantly because of the headache... why do I
keep doing that to myself, seriously!). I know this. I own this. I'm OK with
it.
But only sorta.
Maybe it's because I have been in a bad mood otherwise for no good reason
this week, maybe it's because the ever-persistent death grip of winter chill
that has been hanging around here since, I don't know, THE BEGINNING OF TIME
(it seems), or perhaps its because I have an out of control list of to-dos
and no motivation to do any of it, but I just can't shake the feeling of
failure (for lack of better word) for not seeing the weight go down.
I don't want any sympathy here people. I want a damn kick in the rear. I
need to ditch the number and purely focus on me right now and not worry
about those stupid 2.8-3.6 pounds at the end of the 140 I see when I wake
up.
There have been a lot of comments RE:maintenance in response to my last
several posts. It has made me realize that while many of us that are in
maintenance, writing here about out daily ups and downs, I have not seen (at
least lately) a post about how maintenance in general is going. How our
daily lives shake out... "what maintenance is like" for a lack of better
words.
First, a definition:
maintain One entry found for *maintain*.
Pronunciation: mAn-'tAn
Function: *transitive verb*
Etymology: Middle English *mainteinen,* from Anglo-French *maintenir,
maynteiner,* from Medieval Latin *manutenEre,* from Latin *manu tenEre* to
hold in the hand
*1* *:* to keep in an existing state (as of repair, efficiency, or validity)
*:* preserve from failure or decline
*2* *:* to sustain against opposition or danger *:* uphold and defend
maintain* a position>
*3* *:* to continue or persevere in *: CARRY
ON,
KEEP UP *
composure>
*4 a* *:* to support or provide for *b* *:
SUSTAIN *
*maintain*life>
* *
In it's strictest sense, maintenance is about keeping an existing state
(achieved healthy weight, general health, physical wellness, being in shape,
etc). But if one keeps on in this static state of simply keeping the status
quo after achieving ones goals there is little chance of long term
successful "Health Maintenance". Simply sustaining the efforts put forth
during active weight loss are not going to cut it. Everything in life is in
a constant state of flux. Life happens---changes come about, and all of a
sudden things are not quite the way they were before. The ability to deal
with the changes---challenges even, and come out ahead is vital. Even if
nothing ever changed, thinking the same old same old is going to see you
through is not going to work because lets face it... we get bored easily.
It is about carrying on and keeping up the good work, but also keeping it
fresh, setting and working towards new goals, and continually adapting to
new situations and sometimes setbacks. For me, the key is knowing how to
adapt to the curve balls life throws us from time to time.
At the beginning of the year I listed out a nice long list of goals. One of
those was to train for and finish a triathlon. I was really excited about
doing this, and couldn't wait to start training.... Then my foot happened.
All of a sudden working out in any way similar to what I had been was out
the window. I slid a bit, and didn't work out at all really for a month or
so. When I did go back, running seemed out of the question... and my passion
for participating in a Tri had seemed to wane. Instead of getting down on
myself for not being able to---or really having the drive to do a Tri, I
decided to shift focus. Now I am working on a weight training program AND
devoting more time to Yoga. Both seem like areas I can get a lot of rewards
out of---so shifting goals was fine, and I am not a failure for giving up on
my original ones---I am simply realistic and adapting to my life as it
changes around me. This to me is the essence of maintenance---keeping on the
ball and rolling with the punches--Not forgetting where we came from, but
not trying to stay in the same place either.
Right now I am working out 6 days a week---3 days of cardio, 3 days of
abs/yoga. I am eating about 1500 calories a day. I am staying away from
sugar and alcohol. I am not eating bread. This is working for me now--to get
back to "good", as I like to call it, after the foot setback, and the Mexico
trip. I will go back to my whole wheat toast with natural PB, or my
occasional glass of wine with dinner.... once I am back and feel
comfortable.... because that is how I work maintenance... as a constant
check up and adjustment to the status quo... not the end of the journey.
"The future is not some place we are going, but one we are
creating. The paths to it are not found but made, and the
activity of making them changes both the maker and the
destination."
Even now, after being a "normal" size for the better part of a year, I still
don't quite know where I fit. I am not overweight, but sometimes I feel like
I am---I still sometimes have the urge to ask my husband if that girl is
fatter than me, like I did when I was big and couldn't grasp the idea of
being so. I don't FEEL like "the skinny girl" or, I guess I should say, what
I think skinny girls feel like. But I feel I am perceived as the skinny girl
now, by strangers and friends... and that somehow bothers me. You see, when
I was overweight, I looked at the skinny girls with contempt. I jumped to
conclusions, assumed they were just lucky---that they didn't workout, or
watch what they ate---esp as they walked out of Starbucks with a frappachino
or something. I was ignorant and defensive, and to be quite honest, even to
this day when I see a really thing woman I can feel a snide thought or
comment bubbling in my brain from time to time. I am working on really truly
knowing that each and every woman has her own struggles, not only with her
weight, but with her appearance and her identity--no matter what size she
is, and because of that, those negatives thoughts are diminishing... for the
most part.
But I find something I miss more is being able to make fun of myself. I used
to do it mercilessly, and now, especially with my friends, I can't. I can't
make the fat jokes... I feel like an ass for bringing up someones weight or
health at all in fact, and there were several times on my most recent trip
with some of my best girlfriends that I felt I stuck my mouth in my foot big
time. I have no room to talk about my still flabby to me tummy, or my larger
than should be allowed thighs. I feel weird eating crap after I "preach"
whole foods and portion control. I have no right to complain about the 5
pounds I gained and now have to work off. Not to them anyhow, not to anyone
who isn't in the same place as me.
Our concerns and sticking points change as we follow the path of our journey
towards and through health. In the beginning, it's about getting into a
healthy weight range, fitting into a certain size pant, figuring out what
you can eat and still lose, finding the place mentally where losing weight
makes sense and holding on and not letting go. For me though, it's about
those 4 pounds of fat. the flubbery stomach, if my hip bones stick out too
much, and how to sculpt my arms to new levels of fierceness. It's about
continuing to learn more about nutrition and healthy eating, my injured
foot, my sodium intake. It seems sometimes lonely, although I know here
there are others in the same boat as me. I feel kind of lost and without a
true identity. I used to think of myself as a healthy girl in a fat body,
but now I feel like the fat girl got trapped inside my new healthy body.
Just one more thing for me to work on I suppose.
And if I could get a good look at it it would probably have several tennis shoe prints in bedded in it too--thanks to you all!
It was worth it though, because I DID go home yesterday and do my Yogalates DVD and I DID get up this morning and go to the Y. It was weird because Tuesdays have been my DVD mornings for a while now and I felt out of sync and like I was screwing up everyone else's rotation on the weight machines and even the cardio equipment... I still kicked some serious booty though, so it was totally worth it. I will be glad when next week roles around and I'm back on my regular MWF Y days though!
I have decided that I need to put off thinking about doing a Tri this year because of my foot issues. I am probably looking at surgery and then recovery time, and then? Well, then I'm not so sure I want to run on it like that right away. So I have decided to focus on weight training for right now. I want some sexy fierce, muscled up arms---but Im not sure what to change to get them. Right now (or really up until a couple of months ago when I went MIA in the weight room) I had shapely arms, but they weren't muscley. I want more definition... any pointers on how to achieve this? I'm thinking I need to move to free weights... but free weights are a whole new world, and they make me a bit nervous. Anyone?
I totally forgot to BAN weigh this morning, but 154.6 was the verdict on Saturday and Sunday, so that is my number. I can deal with that... about 3 pounds over a week is a LOT but I partied like a rock star, so you will have that--well, when partying like a rock star means eating your weight in Tamales and Chex Mix, and downing a small swimming pools worth of beer, at least.
Also, if anyone is available, I need a good kick in my ass. I am doing great with the eating, but even after my alarm went off at 5 this morning, I went back to bed and not to the gym. I need to get my ass moving peeps, and now. I am making myself a commitment to do my Yoga-lates DVD tonight and get my mushy tummied self to the Y tomorrow AM. Foot or no foot, I can't let that be an excuse any more.
Also, pleased to enjoy the picture I added of me in Mexico... so much for tropical, eh?
You will notice that I haven't updated my weight since returning from my vacation. There are a couple reasons for this. 1) I am in a little bit of denial B) I would totally feel as if I were false advertising and III)the current number shown to me on the scale is not correct. For reaslies. I retain water like a camel 'yall---and it ain't always pretty.
I didn't weigh myself at all while we were on vacation, and I sure as hell didn't do it when we got back on Tuesday night. I also couldn't get up the nerve to do it on Wednesday morning. When I finally braved the scale on Thursday the number was high---as high or higher than I feared. 151.4 to be exact. yikes. I drank water like it was going out of style yesterday and even though I stopped guzzling at 5:30, I still had to empty my bladder 4 more times before bed... and I had to get up and go in the middle of the night too. I was letting go of the water---finally, and this morning weighed in at 148.0.
This is nothing new for me, and I wouldn't be surprised if I am down another pound or 2 tomorrow. I think though that Sunday I will be rid of the excess water enough to call what ever number my "real" weight and work on taking off that gain.
Also on Sunday, I will head back to the gym. My foot is still hurting and in an attempt to let it heal a bit I've been staying away from the gym... but Sunday is a new week, and a new start on exercising... for the long haul this time!
Thank you all for your awesome words of support and encouragement. I am fully back on the wagon food wise, and am already feeling a lot better. Have a great weekend everyone!
I think I may have just forgotten how to eat well.
It's surprising how fast one can fall out of habit. Between Thursday and Tuesday I ate (and drank) anything I wanted any time I wanted. I drank very little water. I sat on my ass a lot. Then? Then I drank some more. I am so bloated. And tired. And I feel like I don't even know what I should be eating--nevermind the fact that we still have no stove or oven, and that we are almost totally out of food---and definitely out of healthy food. I'm stopping at the store on my way home tonight for lettuce and other good things though--and just in time, because yesterday and this mornings left over vacation brain has faded and my body is SCREAMING for something good for me. If I don't get a banana in the morning I may need to shoot someone.
In other news, my foot decided it's not yet ready for sandals, and was looking pretty bad by the time we left. I did manage to get a nice long walk on the beach one morning, and a short jog at another point. Wow, did running on the beach feel great. I was barefoot, and my foot hasn't felt so good in a long time. Now I need to find a nice long beach to run on around here... but even with the plethora of water and there for beaches surrounding me, a proper public stretch of sand without huge tree trunks and other debris littering the shores within a decent driving distance is escaping me. Maybe I will have to take a drive this weekend and see what I can find.
I think that this trip has proven to me that even though I *can* eat like a fool for several days, it's not the best idea. Sitting here, I am full of regret for many of the things I have shoved into my mouth in the past 156 hours. It would have been easy to say no to the bagels... to the bacon, the chocolate bars... oh, the chex mix... the horror! I just didn't want to, and now, once I get up the nerve to get on the scale, have some work to do--which in reality is fine, because it gives me something to work for, but also really sucks because I feel like crap, and am having a tough time remembering just what it is Im supposed to be doing. It's time to get back to basics....what ever those may be:
Water water water... I need to get back to my normal intake--about 90oz or more. Right now I am almost to 72. Better than the last several days for sure.
No bread. Saying no to bread until I get back into a good place is important because it is so easy for me to overdo it. Starting now, no bread!
NO SUGAR. Sugar is the devil... Sara needs detox like you wouldn't believe.
Stick with the Core guidelines for potatoes and grains. That means one potato, brown rice or ww pasta a day... this has always been a huge help for keeping me from overdoing things. this also means no baked fries, something that I have recently added back into my diet once in awhile.
No Alcohol. MEH. I drank more this weekend that I can remember drinking in a long time. I am going to cut out the occasional glass of wine or bottle of beer for a couple of weeks at least, because I just don't need it.
Refresh myself on hunger levels and portion sizes. This is no longer an all you can eat buffet, people!
Work out. Seriously, I need to get back into the swing of exercising again ASAP. I did not go this morning, but I am making a commitment to myself and to you all that I will go in the morning. And I do not break commitments to myself.
Get some rest and chill out. I didn't sleep much this weekend, and when I did, I didn't sleep well. I need to take care of myself so I preform better. Also, there is still a lot of stress at home with our on going remodel, so I need to get myself more organized and find some time to just chill and let some things go. That means this weekend is going to be nuthin but relaxing.
Getting back to that super motivated spot we were all at when we started out is sometimes tough because it is easy to forget the feeling. What do you all do to get back in the zone? Am I missing something you think is important? Any tips on how to keep it interesting and not a total chore? Eating well is not hard, but eating like crap is soooo much easier. and with our current situation it would be so simple for me to just hit up the drive thru for the rest of the week rather than actually get real food to make in my makeshift "kitching room". What are some words of wisdom to help me get strong and stay strong? Help a sista out!
Also? seeing yourself on the homepage is creepy-weird! And I now feel like its wrong of me to have gone off and eaten like a starving child for 5 days... Don't hate me because I'm not perfect!
How you like my es-pan-yol? I've been working at brushing it up for weeks now! I'm sure you're totally impressed by my mad foreign language skillz.
I'ma leavin on a Jet Plane this evening to the sunny side---LA. Tomorrow, me, the H, and 8 of our bestest buds are driving to the Baja for a nice long weekend in a killer beach front vacation house. I predict too much food and too much drinking. And waaaaaaay too much laughing (good for the abs, you know!).
'Yall be good without me around to tell you what to eat and whine about my foot---I know your all going to miss that! I'll be back on Wednesday, hopefully with some new pictures as a reward. Until then, your going to have to make due with the one I posted yesterday.
Also, word on the street is that I am to be joining the lovely and beautiful Leanne, Shelley, and Swimkatt as one of Extrapounds Next Top Models---or something--on the home page. It's possible my mug will go up there while I'm gone, so look out for me... and if you are hear from the home page, Hola, come on in ans stay while! But, for the love of all that's chocolaty, start at the end, and not with the most recent rantings, trust me, youu'll thank me later!
So why do I keep forgetting this every couple of weeks and go and screw myself again?
My heart is racing, I have a headache, and I can't sit still or concentrate. My hands are shaking. Not cool.
The longer I put good food into my body, the more my body learns to tell me when I give it something it doesn't like. It's a good thing, most of the time, because it keeps me honest, but sometimes the brain wins out, and then everyone is sorry.
Don't hate me because I'm not perfect!