This morning the very nice woman that works the front desk at the Y stopped me for the 3rd time in as many months to tell me how awesome I looked. She then when on to tell me that I was her role model, and that my dedication and obvious improvements were a huge motivator for her to work harder at getting in shape.
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thanks?
This isn't the first time someone has said something similar to me. And I truthfully do not know how to respond... how to deal with such a huge---and freaking SCARY compliment.
I never thought other people would consider me a role model. It's not something I ever thought about or aspired to, and to be quite honest, it's not something I am 100% comfortable with. It' not that I don't like or don't want the distinction... it's just... I don't know. Part of me feels like I haven't done anything to be a role model, nothing more than anyone else could do... there is nothing extraordinary about my weight loss or improved fitness it was, and is, just something I do. A big part of me feels like a big fake because if it would have been hard, or if I would have struggled, I would have given up...That if it wouldn't have been as relatively easy as it was for me that I would not be at the point I am at. I feel like I am not the person people seem to think I am--this super human health machine that works out like a maniac and has perfect eating habits. When someone tells me that I am their role model, or that I am a motivator for them, I instantly think of the last slip up I made.. the fact that I ate sugar yesterday, that my weight is up almost 5 (mostly water, I know) pounds from an all-time low on Saturday morning. I feel like I need to qualify myself, to explain that I am not perfect, not even close to that image that I perceive of them perceiving of me. It also makes the guilt of not being totally perfect all the time greater because I feel like instead of just letting myself down, I am also letting down the people who look up to me and (honestly, the way I like to see it more as) my accomplishments.
I guess when I look at it logically, I can see that it is possible that I am really just making a lot more out of it than I need to be. Obviously, whether I personally feel my transformation into a healthy person was a difficult one or not, to other people... people who are unhappy with their weight or fitness level, I have done something that they perceive to be beyond their reach, and they see only what they can see... the physical rewards gained by (usually) eating healthfully, and (fairly) consistent workouts. They can't know the whole story... no one can, or ever will because I'm the only one who has actually lived it. And that's OK, I guess... If my success can spur someone else to become healthy, no matter how they ultimately do it, that is great.. so why do I feel the need to qualify my success?
Many many people (like every single person that knew me when I was heavy and then sees me again now) have asked me how I have "managed" to lose all that weight. I hate this question. Not because I am selfish and don't want to share, but because I know that 99.9% of the people asking do not want to know the real answer. They don't want to hear that I learned to listen to my body, that I did a lot of reading, and educated myself and then made choices about what to put in my body based on that knowledge. That I have taken a path of moderation, and that I don't *not* have anything ever again.... They want to hear that I gave up sugar, and bread, and that I workout 6 times a week. So that's what I tell them, usually as I stuff a creme puff or a wad of enriched bread in my mouth... Talk about feeling like a fraud. And even if they want to hear, how can I explain just what I did, and continue to do? I didn't follow a set plan, and my ideas about food and exercise continue to evolve. It's not something you can sit and tell someone. It is both very complex and extremely personal. It has worked for me... but it may not work for anyone else. People don't take kindly to being told "Yeah, I happened to find something that works for me, sorry, your going to have to walk that path on your own." Not that I don't want to give tips, I just don't want people to take what I say as Gospel... or worse yet think that *I* think they are Gospel.
My worst fear is people thinking I think I am better than them.
And maybe that's the issue. Maybe I am afraid that if too many people tell me I am an inspiration to them, I will become some pompass asshole that struts around thinking their shit don't stink. Or that people will thinks that's what I think. MAYBE I need to stop worrying about how other people perceive me, and keep focus on me, and being the best I can be. I can give advise when asked truthfully, and be that role model, no matter what people think... because at the end of the day, every persons reality is what they perceive it to be and no amount of qualifying or explaining on my part can change that if someone isn't willing to really "hear"... does that make sense? Basically, I need to just accept the compliments for what they are, and take the positive from them... not the other responsibility I assign to them...
Or something. Once again, I fear I have not made my point at all.
Posted By: Gvmemoment
Comments to this post:
01/08/2007 15:09
I need an average role model
Maybe the part that makes you such a good role model for these people (and I think you are) is that you didn't do anything extreme or set any hard limits. You did make some major changes and commitments in your life, and you do stay away from certain foods most of the time and go to the gym most of the time. But when I'm looking for a role model I want something attainable. Not easy, but something I can do. While you are wise to avoid becoming everyone's weight loss guru, and probably right to think most people don't want to hear that it's hard work and life changes that make a difference, that is the truth. And if a few people really get it and make some changes themselves after seeing how well you've done, then you are a positive influence in thier lives.
Being a role model is scary, and I don't think many people relish the part, but people choose their role models, role models don't get to choose their proteges (or whether to have them). You are a good role model whether you want to be or not.
I was at the dry cleaners the other day and this woman just went on and on about how good I looked and how did I do it, etc. I felt like she was putting me on a pedestal and was embarrassed. I told her that if I could do it, she could do it! Its amazing how many people don't believe in themselves that they, too, can do it!
Being a role model is a hard job! But you earned it!
The thing about role models, is that they are human. And humans do stuff cream puffs, or have sugar, or bread. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to make a change. Others look at you, thinking, wow, wasn't she just like me the other day, how did she make such a change, if she did it, could I do it? They are probably proud of you making that change. What kind of emotions did you go through, could they handle it? There is alot to us losing weight, and I don't know about you, but I have been through alot of emotional changes, thoughts, etc. People see you and say, how did she do it? Was it hard? I look back at some of my entries and see some of the acceptances I have had to make. Did you have those same feelings. How do you feel in your skin today. You have rightfully earned that role model status, but just keep yourself grounded, if we put ourselves on a pedestal, it hurts more when we fall, right. There will always be someone to keep us grounded.
You have done an awesome job. Just know how it felt back at the beginning and how it feels now and what happened in between. I am proud of you, and I am proud of me. I haven't been this weight for 16 years, in the early part of my pregnancy with my 15 year old. Now that is a long time!! I am now thin and it was not easy, it was hard work. When people say something about my losing weight, I just say thank you for noticing my hard work!!!!
It is intimidating when someone else puts you so high and you don't feel like you belong in that position. I think if people ask you "how you did it", telling them the truth might not be such a bad idea. Then they might see that they can do it too and that it isn't an impossibility. When people ask me that question I usually feel a bit speechless and don't really know what to tell them. All I can come up with is that I am better about portions and exercise.
Just be yourself and no one will think that you think you are better than them.
I know when I first started I absorbed so much from everyone else's journey who had enjoyed a modicum of success. It was like I needed that proof that if they can do it, so can I, and if it's been successful for them, then absolutely I can be successful at this too. Even now, I still draw on others successes to help push me through the tougher weeks. Results are inspiring, and I think those compliments speak mostly to your achievements, and how they are absolutely motivating to others. I have no fear of you turning into that "pompous asshole", because while you have a lot to be proud of, you are also too well grounded to become "too big for your britches" (or at least that's what I get from reading your blogs and comments).
Let's face it, you learned how to have your cream puff and eat it too - and a lot of people can stand to learn from that!
Our greatest role models in life rarely set out to be role models, they just set out to reach a goal and accomplish something that they felt needed to be done. While it's hard to accept a compliment and you feel self-conscious about being set above the rest, it is that humility that makes you a shining star and the perfect role model. So many "role models" are full of themselves and egotistic celebrities, but the best role models are the average joes that everyone sees them as a role model and a hero but themselves.
I think you made your point very well. I get the role model thing a lot, especially from people here on EP, mostly in private messages. I'm not so uncomfortable with it because I'm a teacher and I'm used to being in a "role model" kind of position every day.
You are exactly right about people not really wanting to hear the truth of how we lost weight. People want to hear easy answers and are always disappointed in what I have to say. Several people I know have done Jenny Craig based solely on my success there the first six months of my journey. None of those people have been successful. They don't stick with it.
I pointlessly tried to explain my whole foods eating plan to some shopgirl the other day who was mercilessly grilling me for ideas of what to feed her newly diabetic husband. She just simply didn't understand what I was talking about--she didn't have enough education.
You and I and the many people like us who have experienced success have something in us that drives us to success that has little to do with the eating plan we start with. We have a desire for self-improvement and knowledge and achievement. It's a personality "thang" for some of us.
All the self-educating we have done has led us to similar eating plans, which can't be a coincidence. However, someone who is starting out and doesn't have a knowledge base of nutrition simply can't adopt the diets we follow. They wouldn't know how. That's why I really recommend Weight Watchers to most people who are looking for answers, even though that's not what I followed this time. If people really seem interested in a more natural diet, I suggest Core.
Like it or not, you are a role model because you made it to the end, and that's what the people who see you want to do. That's the goal they seek--THE END. I know it doesn't FEEL like the end; we know it's just the beginning. However, you can forgive them a little admiration for doing the thing they've never been able to do.
