Happy Weight
It has been over a month since I weighed myself. A month of of the charts eating and no where near the charts activity. in fact, I believe slovenly would be a good word to describe my day to day life over the last several weeks. So it was with much trepidation that I stepped on the scale this morning, telling myself that until I knew just where I was at that I wouldn't be able to really get back on track. I braced myself for an ugly, terrible number. I told myself that anything under 160 would be good news. Imagine my surprise when the scale read 151. I believe my exact words were "no way."
It seems that 150ish is my body's "happy weight". Over the last several moths as I have tried to get motivation to move, been on and off the food wagon, and have struggled so much internally, my weight, aside from the initial 5 or so pounds I gained when I really couldn't move at all has not jumps nearly as much as I would have expected. The chart on the right doesn't show it well, but I have been right around 150 for a long time... with little effort at staying there. In fact the few times I was working out and tracking calories, it didn't seem to want to move down much, either. I hit 140 almost a year ago, and almost instantly started going back up. There were other factors of course (see: my foot, and all the drama it's caused.), but I wonder how easily I could have kept the weight off if I wouldn't have had the neuroma.
My husband was surprised that I was at 151 this morning---he doesn't have any conception of women and weight, and assumed that I was still around 140 (When I was 220, he assumed I was about 160--see what I mean?). He asked me, quite innocently enough if I was going to try to get back to 140...not because he judges me on my weight---he was just as happy with me at my heaviest, so it's not that he wants me to be a certain number... and I told him quite honestly that I didn't know if I wanted to.
See, I don't know if it's worth the amount of effort it would take to maintain 140 pounds. If I can get back down to 140 and stay there without killing myself, then fine... but right now, I would be happy at 150 pounds and toned and fierce like I was 6 months ago. I plan on eating healthy, whole foods and working out like I did in the past, and not focusing too much on the number. I will still weigh myself---maybe not every day---but I want more to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I want to fit into a certain pair of jeans. I want to feel strong and fierce. Not weak and mushy.
After another morning of not being able to make myself get out of bed and workout in the morning, I decided that maybe what I needed was a total change of scenery. I packed a bag and hit the Y after work. It was crowded, over-run with kids and there were WAY too many meat heads in the weight room. But as I walked back to the lockers I could already feel myself walking taller... and that's the feeling I want to keep... no matter what the scale says.
