Inertia, or pushing a huge boulder up a steep hill
I really don't know what to do with myself here. I can't keep posting doom
and gloom whining about how I need to get back on the wagon but can't*, and
posting positive, up beat posts about how I'm getting better, working on it
and WILL stay strong are turning out to be noting more than wishful
thinking.
It occurs to me that Motivation is just another form of inertia. A body in
motion tends to stay in motion... and a body at rest wants nothing more than
to eat cookies and sit on the couch and take a nap... then maybe go to bed
at 9ish. It's a lot easier to get a boulder down a hill than up it... and
right now my ass is that boulder, at the bottom of a 40% incline yall.
Frustration and Struggle are the 2 words that best describe my metal state
right now. Throw in "Overwhelmed", "Blue", and "Pathetic" and you have a
pretty well rounded look at my over-all life. It's so not good times.
I know that it is not as hard, as laborious, or as restricting as I am
making it seem to be in my head. I know it will only take a couple weeks of
solid work to get back into "go mode", and I know that physically my body
hates all the crap I continue to put in it, and all the ass sitting I
continue to accomplish. I just can't seem to get my mind over my matter to
start pushing that boulder up the hill. It's not a very tall hill, I know,
and the steepest part is the beginning... but it's so hard for me to start,
even knowing that every day the rock gets a little bit heavier, and the hill
gets a little bit steeper.
I was going to work out this morning. I was going to get up, put my tennis
shoes on, and go. But before I even got out of bed I talked myself out of
it. It was too cold, too dark, too warm in the bed, too nice to be able to
sleep in until 7 since H had an early morning meeting. So back to bed I
went. Vowing again that tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow is another day of course. but dammit, tomorrow never comes! Add on
top of that the excuses... H's birthday month is Novemeber--we already have
3 weekend's worth of activities planed for him.... then his mom and step
mom's birthday's, Thanksgiving, H's surgery, My parents visiting, SIL
(Pregnant---so jealous) in town for a month, Holiday parties, Christmas and
New years, and there just isn't a clear road of even level ground, much less
a downward slope in sight. I know there never will be... but with all the
things to do, money to spend, and food to eat in the next 2 months, I know I
need to get on the ball and stay there now, or give up hope (and more than
likely a couple of pants sizes) until 2008. And that's just not something I
want to do.... but how HOW HOW do I give myself that push to start the
boulder rolling?
I am doing OK (and just OK) with the food during the week. The weekends kill
me every damn time though (hello, Pizza Hut). I did manage to keep my act
together enough not to heat up another 2 cookies last night (lets not talk
about my success rate on Friday or Saturday though, mmmkay?), but it seems
like at this point I am just eating to eat. I can't tell if I am even really
hungry a lot of the time anymore, and I seem to be falling into my old
lover's arms (sugar, that is) again. I am not working out, even though my
foot feels good...I'm pretty much just doing a whole lot of feeling sorry
for myself and my destined-to-be-vacant-for-the-foreseeable-future womb
(yes, I just made another baby reference, I really should just write a post
about it and have out with the while thing, but none of that is really WL
related, and I don't know if anyone gives a rat.). Really, I need to just
get over THAT issue and live in the now. But saying that really isn't doing
anything to change the sad sadness that I feel either. One more thing to
work on I guess.
Anyway, that got off track a little now didn't it? ;) Bottom line, advice
would be great, and support would be wonderful. Thanks :)
*can't is such a bullshit excuse! bullshit I say!
