This time, not an empty pledge.

My pants are tight. I haven't been to the Y in a month... I haven't
consistently tracked my eating in longer.

My eyebrows are extra bushy, I have zits all over my face, and my toes have
not had any (desperately needed!) attention since I stripped them of polish
the night before my surgery.

My house is a wreck; the ring in the toilet is disgusting me even miles
away. I don't want to talk about what was found in our kitchen this morning.

My bank account needs attention desperately. Our recent spending has been
unheard of for months... if not years.

My car---ugh. I really don't want to talk about my car. It needs a scrubbing
and some maintenance of it's own.

I feel as though I have been stuck in some sort of daze for the last---I
don't know how long. It fees strikingly similar to the feeling I had in
December of 2005, and the countless months before that. As if everything was
out of control... and well beyond getting any control of.

At some point the switch tripped back.

Dammit.

We used to have a joke at work whenever someone would screw up... the
offending worker would just proclaim "Excuse!" Because in the end, it really
didn't matter what the excuse was... in the end they are all just that;
excuses. I could sit here and make excuses all day and night about how I've
been dealing with several different issues including my foot/surgery,
financial issues /future goals, family matters, on and on forever, amen. But
trying to explain away why I went off track is pointless, I know why I am
here at this point. At the end of the day it's because I chose to. I wasn't
working out as well as I could before my surgery, and I haven't gone back to
it. I have chosen to eat poorly, something I could occasionally get away
with when I was working out, and when I had a stack of muscles to burn burn
burn those extra calories, but when faced with my renewed sedentary self,
just settled on my gut and thighs. I have let my emotions dictate my eating
(2 cupcakes during a particularly bad day on Friday, why not?). I have
decided that my surroundings and I are not worth the effort.

I need to be worth the effort.

I have started to come around. I vacuumed. Changed the Cat box, spent Sunday
morning helping the H with heavy yard work. Made big plans to get to the gym
this morning---only to be derailed by a "kitchen emergancy" which found me
scrubbing the counters and floors at 6 in the morning. I still could have
done something. I could have done more. I could have done some pilates,
tried some yoga, something other than desperately trying to finish The Stand
before leaving for work. There was a time that a morning workout was more
important than any book. That if something came up to change my workout
plans I would have found a way to fit something in. There was a time when I
worked out twice a day. TWICE. There was a time when I wanted to workout....
and at times I still want to, I just don't. And that needs to change.
Because if anyone knows that half the workout battle is getting to the gym
that first week, it's me.

So tonight I am going to go home and clean my bathroom. I cam going to cook
a healthy dinner, and then, after I have time to digest a bit, I am going to
attempt some yoga. Nothing strenuous, nothing earth changing. Just me, my
mat and 22 minuted of Namaste. After that, I will tackle the bank account.
Tomorrow I will go to the gym before work. I will not push myself too hard,
but I will do something. I will pack a big salad and healthy lunch and
snacks. I will clean out my car after work and I will cook a healthy dinner
once again. On Wednesday I will do it all again, and make whatever other
steps I need to make to get myself back into the good place, rather than
that ultra crappy place I have been in for the last couple of weeks.

It can only get better...

I'm sure once you get your physical environment organized, you'll be much better prepared to get a handle on everything else in your life.  Don't try to do too much at once, though!  Whatever you do, be sure to put it all in writing where you can see it.

Good luck!!

Angel

Cleaning

Just cleaning up all that mess is a big workout itself! Don't worry, you'll get back on tops of things again.

Bouncing Back...

I understand your frustration.  It will get better...deep inside you, you know this is a speed bump and not a road block.  You are already taking charge of the matter, you are a strong person, now you just need to take a deep breath and realize that it's all going to be OKAY!!!!

Glad to see you back!  Hope you're feeling better!!!!

-Bethany

Hey there

You are so not alone.  I can relate to quite a bit on your plate.  I've had a summer of illness, more illness, stress, illness again, "the big vacation" then illness.  But hey, I, like you, have found my way back.  I can't go full force into where I was before summer but I can start.  We can fix it!

Heya!

It's good to see you back, and as has seemed to be the way, in many ways I can relate to you and where you are at.  It's always amazed me that we seemed to go through a lot of the same "stuff" at the same time.  I know you are stressing about your finances, but might I suggest perhaps looking into a cleaning lady?  I recently did, and it's amazing what it did to my mood knowing my house was going to get a good cleaning, once every 2 weeks, by someone other than me.  And it gave me greater impetus to keep an eye on my ever growing piles of clutter (she needs to be able to see the surface in order to clean it!) ;)  If nothing else, it's a small dose of being kind to you, and frees you up to do other good things for you.

I hope things have gotten better since this post.  It was really good to hear from you again.  Take care.