Confession
I just ate a taco salad and a cup of white chicken chili. Sounds fine, yes?
Well, what if I told you the salad was drenched in ranch dressing (that I
didn't know would be put ON the "salad" and that I ate it with deep fried
corn chips? What if I told you I ate it all, then downed it with 2
(admittedly smallish) brownies and a cup of (fat free) milk? How bad is
that? What about if it came after a week of throwing caution to the wind,
and eating whatever I damn well pleased, after a 6 bottle of wine weekend
that also (ALSO!) included more beer that I could even count? After the
Chinese on Tuesday night? And the Pizza and the Fondue, and the bagels, and
the pie and the breakfast sandwiches? After I told myself that once I got
back from my trip I would be buckling down for the next 4 weeks, getting as
fit and as low weight as I could so that I would not feel terrible after my
surgery when I will be on my ass (well, at least my left knee) for three
weeks straight?
What is wrong with me?
My foot hurts. It hurts all the damn time now, not just when Im walking on
it. It has befriended my ankle, leg, and ass/low back into hurting as well.
I am not working out. Before I left I did 3 Bikram classes in 2.5 weeks. I
went to the gym several times, I did my Namaste at home. Now? nothing. No.
Thing. I have no motivation, and my foot hurts. But my foot is going to hurt
whether or not I use it or not. And (hopefully!) after my surgery and
recovery I will be as good as new. But I'm not doing it. I am not getting up
in the morning and going to the gym. I am not eating like I should, or
tracking my food. I am just... bleg.
I can feel my stomach itching... which means its getting bigger. I can feel
my pants getting tighter. I can feel myself getting fat again. My worst
fear. Yet I sit here doing NOTHING about it. I am so ashamed of myself right
now. But that doesn't make me work at getting back into the swing of things.
I need to get back to basics. To start where I did when I was a year and a
half ago. I just can't make myself do it. Every night I say tomorrow, every
morning I say later.
I need to slow the wagon down, so my portly (aching) ass can lumber back on.