Did you know that as soon as your pant size dips into the single digits you lose your right to bitch about your body?
Totally true.
And it becomes worse the closer to 0 that label reads. At a size 8, for example you can get away with saying that your stomach needs some tightening, or that your thighs are still too bulky. Get down to a 6 and about all you can even think to get away with is that your arms are flabbing out. Fit into a 4? Can't say a damn thing. Don't ever EVER mention that you fit into a couple of size 2's that were obviously mis-labled, because at that point you are a bitch for even saying the word "two" in the same sentence as "actually fit me!". The fact that your disbelief is what caused you to mention it in the first place doesn't matter, and neither does the fact that you worked damn hard to zip up those 2's. You are still a bitch.
Or at least that's how it feels.
Maybe I have a hard time because there is still, a year after fitting into my first pair of size 6s ever, a large part of my brain that *is* that girl who looks at the girl in the size 2's and snarks (sometimes I snark at myself---really). The one who rolls her eyes when that "skinny girl" complains about the 10 pounds she gained. Maybe Karma is biting me in the ass for not fully realizing that no matter what size you are, there are times when you don't feel good about your body, and you just want to complain.
All this to say; I have no one to bitch to.
I've tried... put a couple of comments about the roundness of my belly, the jiggling of my arms, and the scary reality that my thighs are very close to touching again---the one thing I worked so hard to get rid of---out there, and have gotten the standard "Come ON! You look amazing! You have NOTHING to complain about! Now my ass on the other hand..." And I get that. I get that it's very hard to hear someone who looks like they have nothing to complain about---or comparatively nothing to complain about say how disgusting they look. I know how it makes the other person feel---esp if they are not feeling particularly good about their body at the moment. I know the feeling of "well if she thinks her stomach looks nasty, what does she think about my gut? She must think Im a total whale---what a whore!". I've been there, done that.
But here's the thing. Perspective changes.
At 220 pounds the idea of being anything lower than a size 10 was not even an idea. Being in a pair of size 4 capri's was not a possibility. And if someone told me that I would be in these size 4 capri's a year and a half ago, after I got done laughing my ass off I would have simply assumed that at a size 4, all my body related issues would be solved. It simply would not occur to me that at this size I could still have dimply thighs and a jiggly stomach. I would have been planning my Bikini wardrobe. And if the 220 pound me would see the 140's me she would have probably been hella impressed (and jealous and snarky) and think she looked pretty damn perfect. But as the weight came off, and I saw what was possible, the pretty damn perfect to 220Sara has turned into the MEH 140sSara sees. A flatter stomach is no longer good enough. I want definition. Smaller arms don't cut it... I still don't see enough muscle. The Thighs not touching doesn't thrill me quite as much as it used to (although, I will admit, it's still pretty thrilling)... I still don't feel comfortable wearing short skirts or a bathing suit because they seem gigantic and dimply.
But others don't get this. And maybe I shouldn't expect them to. I just wish I could say "My arms are flabbing out and I can feel my stomach expanding" and hear someone say "well I don't see that, but if thats how you feel put down the Rum and Coke and get your ass back to the gym and tone those bitches down!" rather than "WhatEVER you have no room to bitch, you look great.. here have another piece of cheesecake".
Not that I don't want a piece of Cheesecake or anything... It's just a little bit like enabling, and if I allow myself into that trap of "I look good, I can have another piece of Cheesecake" too much, I'll be right back where I started.
PS. I did go to the Y this morning. I only did 20 minutes of Cardio, but because of the foot I am trying to stay focused on strength training, and I got that in as well, so I am happy about that. :)
Posted By: Gvmemoment
Comments to this post:
06/20/2007 14:45
Feel better?
I haven't met a woman yet who is totally happy with her body. I used to be 145 - I think I complained more about my imperfections back then. Go figure! The reality is no one has the perfect body - even supermodels get cellulite.
Feel free to whine and gripe all you want here - I think we can all relate in one way or another.
So i'm totally inspired by your story. it makes me think.. that's i'm not doing this just for a magic number. (though i have to be honest and tell you that i cannot WAIT until i'm in a single digit # for jeans) So i even went as far back as your first few entries to see what program you chose to do because your before and after pictures really do look amazing. I cant even express how much i want to post a before and after picture one day... anyways, so i saw that you were doing core. are you still doing it? i'm doing it and i love it. i've only lost 8 pounds so far, and it's been just under a month, but i'm trying my hardest. it's hard to figure everything out at once. anyways, thanks for sharing your story! it's so motivating :)
you have nailed the nail with your head, my dear! This is so often why even though you lose weight (and perhaps achieve what you once thought was unachievable), you still see all the things that are wrong with your body - because as your body changes, so do your imperfections... Of course, my weak spot has always been my thighs, and it is still my thighs even though I am now in a healthy BMI range.
Anyway, I really appreciate this post because I have been curious about body images and how, why and when they catch up (or don't catch up) with your actual body.
Keep on keepin on - and you do look fantastic (although as someone says above, you are totally allowed to vent and rant all you'd like)
I totally get what you are talking about. Not that I am at a good weight yet, but I fully know that no matter what I do, no amount of weight loss is going to have a positive effect on certain parts of my body.
In fact, I fully expect weight loss to have an extremely negative effect on my cleavage. I better start saving for the breast lift now.
And if I have ever been one to look at you and say, "Shut up, you look great," I'm sorry. It was merely said with extreme jealousy over how strong your commitment to a healthy you has been.
You honestly have been an inspiration to me. You've shown me it can be done. Thank you.
There really is that little voice inside of us that is just never satisfied, isn't there? I think sometimes those thoughts, and listening to that voice has become so ingrained that it will always shape our peception of our selves...colored, of course, by the media and our own unique experiences growing up (especially for us women).
I read an article in some teen mag when I was a teenager (probably "Seventeen", maybe "YM"?) written by a young woman who had lost a considerable amount of weight and thought it would 'solve all her problems' but she still had all that 'emotional stuff' to deal with. It really opened my eyes to what thoughts, feelings, and attitudes I've attached to my "being fat", and that maybe I won't be satisfied with myself when I Reach Goal.
But the one thing about you and your blog, is that I've seen that you can make it. And if you can struggle through this one thing, this thing that is SO HARD for me to do (that I've tried for almost 25 years to do), if you can do it, maybe I can too. So I read your posts, and look at the pictures you put up here, and see that you still have that little voice (that is the sister to my own little voice!), and I know that your struggle and my own is realistic, and expected, and our results are hard-earned.
I'm glad that you blog about the rough spots, and I am SO GLAD that you've come back here after your hiatus! You have every room to bitch, but still: Put down that rum&coke and get back to the gym again! LOL
It's Carrie. I have a weight loss blog too. brickhouse-carrie.blogspot.com
I was thinking about maybe you should change programs now that you are down to the right weight. My SIL does body for life and she is tone and very fit. I wanted to do it but I am just too big. I think I may do it when I get down.
And then again you may not be happy. We are always searching for some sort of perfection. Don't sweat it.
I love this and it's so true... I need some honesty, they can suger coat it a little bit, but i still need someone to tell me i'm fat... i see the pictures, but then everyone tells me not to worry about it, i'm fine... ya right... i was wearing heels and stood up... ankle rolled and broke the 2 main bones in your leg... sorry... but if it was itty bitty again i doubt that would have happened. my poor lil ankle couldn't take it anymore
"But others don't get this. And maybe I shouldn't expect them to. I just wish I could say "My arms are flabbing out and I can feel my stomach expanding" and hear someone say "well I don't see that, but if thats how you feel put down the Rum and Coke and get your ass back to the gym and tone those bitches down!" rather than "WhatEVER you have no room to bitch, you look great.. here have another piece of cheesecake".
