Even now, after being a "normal" size for the better part of a year, I still
don't quite know where I fit. I am not overweight, but sometimes I feel like
I am---I still sometimes have the urge to ask my husband if that girl is
fatter than me, like I did when I was big and couldn't grasp the idea of
being so. I don't FEEL like "the skinny girl" or, I guess I should say, what
I think skinny girls feel like. But I feel I am perceived as the skinny girl
now, by strangers and friends... and that somehow bothers me. You see, when
I was overweight, I looked at the skinny girls with contempt. I jumped to
conclusions, assumed they were just lucky---that they didn't workout, or
watch what they ate---esp as they walked out of Starbucks with a frappachino
or something. I was ignorant and defensive, and to be quite honest, even to
this day when I see a really thing woman I can feel a snide thought or
comment bubbling in my brain from time to time. I am working on really truly
knowing that each and every woman has her own struggles, not only with her
weight, but with her appearance and her identity--no matter what size she
is, and because of that, those negatives thoughts are diminishing... for the
most part.
But I find something I miss more is being able to make fun of myself. I used
to do it mercilessly, and now, especially with my friends, I can't. I can't
make the fat jokes... I feel like an ass for bringing up someones weight or
health at all in fact, and there were several times on my most recent trip
with some of my best girlfriends that I felt I stuck my mouth in my foot big
time. I have no room to talk about my still flabby to me tummy, or my larger
than should be allowed thighs. I feel weird eating crap after I "preach"
whole foods and portion control. I have no right to complain about the 5
pounds I gained and now have to work off. Not to them anyhow, not to anyone
who isn't in the same place as me.
Our concerns and sticking points change as we follow the path of our journey
towards and through health. In the beginning, it's about getting into a
healthy weight range, fitting into a certain size pant, figuring out what
you can eat and still lose, finding the place mentally where losing weight
makes sense and holding on and not letting go. For me though, it's about
those 4 pounds of fat. the flubbery stomach, if my hip bones stick out too
much, and how to sculpt my arms to new levels of fierceness. It's about
continuing to learn more about nutrition and healthy eating, my injured
foot, my sodium intake. It seems sometimes lonely, although I know here
there are others in the same boat as me. I feel kind of lost and without a
true identity. I used to think of myself as a healthy girl in a fat body,
but now I feel like the fat girl got trapped inside my new healthy body.
Just one more thing for me to work on I suppose.
--
Sara
Posted By: Gvmemoment
Comments to this post:
03/28/2007 12:19
hang in there
Aside from the deeper thoughts that are percolating and may take me a while to articulate, this post made me think of (and miss) the most awesome bikini photo ever taken--the one where your face and your belly are all scrunched up. I t was the attitude that made that picture so perfect. You're right that making fun of yourself is a huge part of dealing with weight issues, and it's a lot easier to joke without offending if you look like you have issues with weight. But keep up with the sense of humor even if it's more reflective now. Because it's what keeps us from being sad women on a diet instead of healthy, fun women working on making the body match the attitude.
I never really thought about how difficult maintenance would be! I guess that's because I never expect to get there. Like blondeez said- keep that sense of humor. And talk to your friends about it. That's what I do when I am struggling with thoughts- I get their perspective from a place they have never been and will never be- all of my friends are size 6s!! Ugh! But they really listen to my issues and empathize with my struggles and relate it to a different struggle that they may be having- so I don't feel alone! I suggest trying it, it may take away your lonely feelings! Either way, here's a to help you thru!
I have spent many a drunken nights in Baja! Rosarito, Puerto Nuevo. Good times!
Welcome to our little group of EP "models"! Kind of freaky, isn't it?! Do you feel pressure to maintain even more now? Because you shouldn't. Besides, you still have 6 pounds to play with! :)
Anyway, we should have a maintenance support group!
Maintenance is so hard, isn't it? You will get through it and find yourself eventually. You are already reflecting on yourself and I think that is really important.
Hi, Sara!! Just came to your blog the first time and read your post..... I can understand that you feel funny. It´s hard to get into the "chubby attitude" and a lot worse to get out of it again, I think. Especially (I don´t know if that´s the case) if there´s someone who´s *still* in the chubby part........ It takes time to get used to the new you, just as it was hard to get used to the chubby one, right? Keep that sense of humor up, girl - if you have to, make fun of your skinny self or something like that - make fun of yourself liking to have something crappy when you preach about healthy food..... I know I do! :) Humor makes life a lot easier and I am sure it´ll help you a lot to get used to your new situation - and to keep it like that. For you wouldn´t wanna go back, now would you?
Good morning, Sara! I just read your profile sent to me by EP. I was happy to see that I am on the right track, based on what you said. I, too, work out 6 days per week and stick to whole foods as much as possible. In the month since starting EP, my life has completely changed. It is incredibly motivating to meet someone with the same approach to weight loss who has actually succeeded. What's great about your journey is that you have managed to alter your lifestyle, which so few people accomplish.
By this time next year, you'll have received MY profile from EP. When that happens, pride yourself on the fact that you helped me get there!
You made it to your goal weight and it seems hard to maintenance it when you don't have goals in plan. Maybe you can set up some sport goals like get involved in swimming or running or tennis or anything you love to do to keep yourself in shape. I read an article how people maintain their weight when they do something they love to do.
I haven't reached my goal yet but I did wonder what it was like once you get there. You shared that in your blog and I'm glad you did. It was funny because I was thinking about it and then you answered my question. :)
Oh my you have done a great job. i am on the weight watchers plan. I can't seem to get the core down right. But will do the flex and if I have trouble am going to start the meetings. You look great. You are an inspiration to us all. Thanks, Mary
I think we have all thought about that from time to time, I know I have. I used to think that "skinny girls" didn't do anything, that they were just handed this body and they just used it. It wasn't until I started to lose weight, that it does not matter what size, age or anything about you. We all have issues and we all have to address them to our own body.
Keep going day by day and don't give up. Even when losing weight or maintaining, we all have barriers infront of us and we all have to knock them over no matter what. Just know you have come a far way and you have a whole team of support behind you! Im glad to see you on the EP homepage, and I wanted to take a minute and say congratulations! You should be so proud of yourself no matter what. Keep on going, and we just have to play around with things until we find out what works for our own unique body.
we think so alike it frightens me that you may well be reading my thoughts..or am I reading your thoughts??? I had a far better reply typed out to you last night when the pager went off (figures!).
While I may not be maintaining yet, and some days it seems like my maintenance days will never get here, in a lot of other ways my thoughts have already shifted to think like a maintainer with a whole new set of worries (because I know if I keep up what I have been doing the weight will come off, and I'm already prepping for that new ball of wax to deal with). I may not be the skinny girl yet, and I may never be her, but I'm not the stand-out heavy girl either. I do know my struggles now are entirely different from the ones I had 2 years ago. My fat girl is still well trapped inside, and I'm not sure she'll ever leave. I may want to keep her around anyway as a reminder of where I don't want to return.
I definitely have that identity struggle as well. But I definitely fall into a different boat. I'm not skinny, I can't be classed as that any time soon, but I'm not really in the overweight category either. I'm somewhere stuck muddling around in the middle.
Sara, I don't think you preach... I appreciate that you are trying to share with others what you have learned on this journey. Life is full of steps forward, and steps back (gains!) -- how else are we to learn? Please, please, please try to not be so hard on yourself -- life is full of surprises and it's nice that you can take advantage of them (vacation!), knowing full well that there will be a payback on the other side! : )
I appreciate what you said about my mom and the good memories. I have a lot of them. I have so much to be thankful for and my life is nearly perfect now...with the one exception that my mom is missing from my life. I can and will be happy, but it's just been and will be a bumpy ride a little longer. Thanks for he {{{hugs}}}!
Us "EP Maintenance Level" kids need to stick together! It is nice that there are quite a few of us. I remember when you reached your goal and felt a little lost (and disappeared LOL) about the whole maintenance thing. I felt weird at first too and even thought of abandoning my blog...I can see why some people do that! You feel awkward at first, but since there are so many of us in that category now, it's easier. I want to make a new goal, but am worried about if someone sees me on the homepage, clicks on my blog and gets a little confused! I will have to figure that one out.
Hope you are doing well. I see you've already started to lose some of that Baja weight!
I understand exactly what you're saying. Before I lost anyway, I WAS the funny fat girl, who always made fun of my weight and myself and laughed at myself and others laughed at me when I'd say things. Now I'm the funny, normal sized girl. LOL! I guess I just had to find different material. But I think I'll always remember being the fat girl and what it felt like. I know that some people when they lose weight, they totally forget that...and dog heavy people. I'll never forget how it felt. I'm in sales and when I get nervous or uncomfortable, I get goofy... I don't mean it, but it kind of breaks the tension and then things roll more smoothly. I don't know if it's because I'm perceived differently now that I find people are more critcal of me or if it's my own self consciousness when I'm giving presentations. I did better fatter...maybe it was the insulation from the world.
I don't know, but I'm rambling in your blog. LOL! Sorry Sara. :)
to help you thru!