Today my BAN weight was 144.4. And that doesn't bother me too much. But the fact that it doesn't bother me, bothers me.
I am trying to grasp why I am not bothered by the extra 4.4 pounds that have found their way back to me. Maybe it's because I am still under 150. Maybe its because all of my clothes still fit. Maybe it's because I know I haven't been (able to as much, but have been slacking off as well) working out and I know I can lose it all back once I am back into a routine. Maybe it's because I know I have not eaten as well as I should have to maintain my loss. Maybe the number on the scale really doesn't mean that much to me. Whatever it is, though it's bugging me. I feel like I should care more... and I do care about the fact that I am losing muscle with every day I'm not in the weight room. That even though I set my alarm to go to the gym every night I come up with a good excuse not to go even before I'm asleep at night. That while I've only gained a few pounds I feel like I gained 30. That my mood and attitude has taken a total nose dive in the last couple of weeks. That my foot *still* hurts, and that the brace is making my ankle and shin weak... and that it seems as though it's not going to get better. Ever. That the boot is actually causing back problems because it is a funny height and causes me to stand unevenly and walk funny. Maybe because of all of that those 4.4 pounds really don't matter all that much.
And really, they don't. But what happens if those 4.4 pounds turn into 10... or 20? What if my foot doesn't get better soon, and I get really out of shape, and I gain 30 pounds? Will I care about the number then? Will it seem so easy to take the weight back off when it is more than a "couple" pounds? Maybe I shouldn't be thinking this way--that gaining weight is inevitable. I should stay positive and look forward, but I'm scared. I don't want to look the way I feel right now, and if I don't get my act together I'm going to end up there. The thing is that I can't seem to get it together. Last week I did well on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. The Thursday hit and I just let go... until Sunday. Today will be day three of being back on track---food wise. Now to get on gettin on for four---or five---or more days. And to get my ass back to the gym and do something. That's the hard part, because I can't do what I want to, and I really don't want to do what I can do (and in all honesty, the recumbent bike hurts my lower back...really). About all I can do without screwing with my foot is swim and do some pilates. I just can't get back into swimming... and pilates is great, but it doesn't make you sweat like I want to. I know. Making excuses. That's me.
There is no real point to this post, other than for me to vent my continuing frustrations and hopefully get some self-insight as to why I'm being such a big ass baby. If you read this whole thing, I give you props, and just hope it didn't make you roll your eyes too many times.
Posted By: Gvmemoment
Comments to this post:
02/28/2007 14:05
any chance of hawt yoga?
That'll make you sweat. And you need one of those ridiculously tall platform flip-flops that were really popular a while back . . . I'm sure someone is still selling them. They look like shower shoes but they're like 5 inches tall. Something like that might get you walking and standing more evenly.
Das boot and the cause thereof are a total bummer. It's okay to be upset. Try to stay on track with the eating, though, because you don't want to be working on losing 10 or 20 lbs again when you start back strengthening that leg. I know it sucks. I would be an even bigger whiner. But try to work on what you can and let go what you can't.
I am also struggling with the injury/no exercise problem and it does cause a complete loss of momentum that is way too easy to get used to. It has a lulling effect. My chiropractor actually got pissy with me the other day when I was quizzing him about what exercises I could do. He said he had another patient like me who was a marathon runner and just couldn't live without exercise. He assured me that I could live without exercise and as soon as I was healed my body would get right back on track. But he just doesn't understand the psychology of not exercising. He doesn't understand that we are on a journey here--that we are afraid of being derailed and losing sight of the track altogether. That we're afraid of not WANTING to get back on the track once we get off.
I think it can be a good thing or a bad thing about not caring too much about gaining some weight. Do you have a maximum weight set before you decide you need to take action? Like you said, maybe you aren't worried because you're still under 150. For me I will worry if I hit 120 but have been ok with being in the teens, even if I can be healthy below 110. Overall I think you are looking at it the right way because you say you haven't been getting worried about gaining those few pounds and at the same time you are taking the time to express your worries about it. That's a good thing!
Hey, maybe the weather is part of it! You know, they're showing something on the "news" tonight at 11 about the weather this time of year affecting our moods. I've felt the same way and have been eating lots of ice cream and fried foods and going completely off-plan.
Then again it could be a phase of maintenance that just needs to be conquered? Like after taking all that time to lose weight, you want to be able to enjoy the good stuff and not worry about anything and just let go for a moment. Who knows?
I'll bet that if you continue to gain weight that you will worry more and be motivated to take serious action, if it comes to that point. For now you are doing fine. Gaining won't be inevitable if you put your mind to it. I honestly don't think that you will let yourself gain more than 10 pounds, let alone 20 or 30! Especially if you actively step on the scale which you do.
You are self-motivated and will get through this slump!
First of all, I wanted to say that I'm glad to see you back, even if you aren't feeling 100%. We all have those times, myself included, and it's ok. The last I checked, if you let something steam w/out venting it, it will explode and cause damage, so venting it OK. And what a better place to vent than among people who understand? I know it's hard to see right now, but things WILL get better. And since you know that you are limited in your acitivities, you have the power in you to plan your attack to prevent further damage. This isn't a road block, it's a speed bump and you will over come it. Honest. Look how far you've already come! There are gentle forms of exercise out there, and I agree that maybe you should get a good pair of platforms to even yourself out to protect your back.
You're here among friends who love you and support you! Keep us posted on your progress! Hope you feel better soon!
And you need one of those ridiculously tall platform flip-flops that were really popular a while back . . . I'm sure someone is still selling them. They look like shower shoes but they're like 5 inches tall. Something like that might get you walking and standing more evenly.