Recovering
I'm so mad right now b/c I was typing away and then my entry just went away....so this is the second attempt to write on my blog. Arrghh!!
So here goes....
It's amazing how life events can change your outlook on life forever. I always thought that being skinny would make me happier and feel good about myself. I thought that doing WW, eating healthy and exercising was the way to go. I'm not bashing diets....but I wish now I hadn't been so strict with myself and really enjoyed my life and all I had 6 months ago.
When I went under the knife on September 25th....little did I know how much I was going to lose. Not only did I lose an organ, but I also lost a lot of freedoms. Freedom to eat anything I want, freedom to move around w/out pain, freedom to spend money eating out or buying clothes (hospital expenses can be a b*$%&!).
I have been on a fat free diet for the past 6 weeks and I have two more weeks on this stupid diet until I can slowly start adding back fat into my diet. I would give anything right now for a piece of cake and a slice of pizza!! I may never be able to eat anything I want....I will always have to know where the nearest bathroom is located...and this has been the hardest thing to deal with since my surgery.
I'm slowly but surely recovering from my surgery. I am not only recovering physically but also emotionally. I don't like the fact that I have four tiny scars on my abdomen. I also am tired of people telling me that they understand what I'm going through....has anyone out there really tried to eat 100% fat free for 6 weeks? It's horrible! It's emotionally draining and exhausting to look for food that can give you enough calories and still be fat free.
Me going to Cracker Barrell is the equivalent of an alcoholic sitting in a bar each day drinking water. I get tired of seeing people eat whatever they want while I am limited to a salad with only tomatoes and fat free dressing! They all get to eat biscuits with butter and fried onion rings while I can't eat anything. It does something to you emotionally when you are forced to do something like eat fat free versus choosing to eat that way.
So surgery has taught me a lot....it has forced me to slow down and take care of myself. It has also showed me that I never truly loved the person inside when I started my weight loss journey. I equated thinness with happiness like so many people in America when it's simply not true. I was probably happier being heavy than I am now. Sure it feels great to be able to wear pretty much anything I want....but I've dealt with health issues, money issues, jealousy issues from friends, and personal issues. Things that have made me reexamine all areas of my life.
So do I really love the person I am today? I'm starting to. I can't say that I love myself....I know I have to come face to face with my new self. My new body with it's scars (which my friend Josh says make everyone sexy!) and my new lifestyle. I won't ever be able to go back to my old diet....and although that's a good way to maintain my weight....it's going to have it's challenges.
I have more compassion now for those struggling with health issues. I savor my food and really pay attention to how I feel after I eat. I realize that I am destructible and should value my family, friends, and health more than ever before. I have started a new chapter of my life.....I have started a quest toward loving myself, my shortcomings, and my body.
Instead of looking at a number for happiness....I'm going to look inwardly and to God for my happiness. I'm going to ask God to show me in the days ahead exactly why I lost my gall bladder and how He's going to use it in the future. I have no doubt that this experience will make me a stronger person but this particular road to strength is not one I recommend.
So enjoy your fatty snacks and foods with gusto! Remember the real reason you are losing weight is not to fit into pants or reach a certain number.....it should be to make yourself healthier and a better person. Don't look at a diet as the road to happiness....rather see it as a journey to discover who you really are...on the inside. And never forget to ask yourself.....Do I love myself?