So if you read my earlier blog about the bluejeans you know how excited I've been to discover that I now wear a smaller size bluejean.
Everyone would think that life is grand and I'm living up the fact that I made it to my personal goal to drop some weight and fit into smaller clothes.....right? Wrong! I have discovered that now I'm more self conscious about my weight than before. What the heck?!
I went out to a very popular nightclub this weekend with my girlfriends in my new jeans with a very cute top. Ran into some people who ranted and raved about my new look and weight loss. Did I beam? No....I was truly utterly embarrassed!! I cringed when guys approached me and felt more self conscious when looking into the mirror in the bathroom next to all the other skinny girls. I wanted to be like "who am I kidding?" What's wrong with my brain?!
I don't understand why I have all of these new feelings when half the world would just be happy and love the fact that they had lost their weight and made it to goal. Any thoughts? I pray that whatever funk I'm in goes away and I can feel comfortable inside and out with my new body!
Posted By: Greeneyedgrl77
Comments to this post:
07/05/2006 12:29
Totally Relate
I can totally relate to all of that. I think it's weird that now we're looking better we are more conscious of our appearance, but I think it does go with the transitional process. I know when I was heavier I was fairly indifferent to my appearance because I wouldn't be the one attracting attention anyway. Now that I'm losing and people are noticing, I'm finding it uncomfortable and want to shrink back into that old shell of comfort I used to have. I think for me part of it is the horror of the realization I let myself get so heavy before I took action. I know I'm rambling. But I totally relate and you are not alone in feeling uncomfortable in your new skin.
First of all, HUGE HUGE congrats on getting to a size 4! We're now the same size, and could borrow each other's clothes... if you weren't 1/2 a foot taller and lived on the other side of the country! :-)
Re: all these weird feelings - yeah, I know. I went through something similar when I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, from an emotional perspective. I'd spent years trying to understand myself and be happy with who I am and what I wanted, and when I finally got there, I was miserable! Suddenly, everything that I was content with in life wasn't enough - my friends, my relationships. It was as if everything had stayed the same, but I was different - and I didn't know how I fit in with that environment.
Sometimes, we want something so bad that it never occurs to us that once we get there, the change will be so tremendous that we get freaked out. I'm not just talking about "oh, suddenly, everything in life is perfect b/c you're skinny" expectation - I know you're smarter than that. But the tremendous change of your body, along with your self-perception, and yes, your identity, is nothing to sneeze at.
If change for the better was always this easy, we wouldn't do things like fall for men with the ability to hurt us, get into relationships with the same unhealthy childhood dynamics as our parents, make choices that keep reinforcing bad habits. In this book (cheesy title, fantastic book) called Reinventing Your Life, Young theorizes that we consistently put ourselves in situations that repeat unhealthy dynamics because, despite the fact that they make us miserable, at least we know who we are in relation to everything else. The change that comes with being that better stronger person is itself too big of a transition for many to handle.
So, your reaction is normal. It will take you some time to settle into the new you. But its like a new haircut... you'll hate it for a week, wish you never did it, and then, once you figure out how to style it properly, you'll love it.
I want to say congratulations on reaching a size for and making goal for all intents and purposes. That is phenomonal! ;)
Even though I'm not as thin as you are, I can totally relate to what you're feeling... this whole weightloss thing is tough...mentally and emotionally. Even when we lose weight, it takes our minds, a while to "get" it. I'm smaller than I've been in years, but I feel alot more self conscious about how I look than I did when I was 227lbs. At 227 I'd wear tank tops and bathing suits and thought I looked good... now, I hardly wear shorts. I think it's because of the attention... I don't want to feel like everyone's looking at me, I don't want everyone to comment on it... I don't want the focus on me. I know it's because I'm afraid I'm going to fail...and now it's too late and everyone will notice. :)
I think if you just give yourself some time... maybe take some new updated pictures and see for yourself what you really look like. I know you're one of the "skinny" girls but you can't see it yet.
Congratulations again.
Posted By:
07/09/2006 06:17
All eyes on you...
First off, congrats on your new skinny self! I can relate to the feelings, though. It seems like when you're heavier, you can "blend in to the background" and all of the sudden, when you are thin and your new look and confidence starts drawing attention, that safe haven of blending is ripped away from you and you don't know what to do with it! When I was skinny, I think I was even more critical of my looks because I thought people had more expectations of me than when I was heavy, plus, it takes a while for your brain to catch up with your body. You'll even out eventually and learn to be comfortable in your skin no matter what size you are, and you're looking gorgeous! You're a strong, fit woman and now the rest of the world is finally standing up and taking notice of that, too! Good for you!!!!
Looking like a hot tamale needs getting used to. When I was a lot lighter back in 1997, I was getting hit on all the time at clubs. It felt really weird to be getting all of that attention. You just have to tell yourself that you are a sexy fierce woman who has worked hard to get the body she wants!! Muster up some acting skills if need be! Play the game until you are actually feeling confident and comfortable in your own skin. It takes time. You can do it! Have a wondeful week!
Hey- I have been MIA, but now I am back checking in on old buddies and inspirations. I really liked reading your blog because your stats are very similar to mine and it is great motivation. I was excited to see your loss.Congrats!
I think it can sometimes be scary to get to that place you worked so hard for because there is a fear that you might someday go back to a heavier weight you weren't comfortable at. You don't want to make a mistake and have to do it all over again. That's what I worry about. When that happens, just tell yourself you have all the tools you need to live healthy and you did it! Way to go!
