I'm so mad right now b/c I was typing away and then my entry just went away....so this is the second attempt to write on my blog. Arrghh!!
So here goes....
It's amazing how life events can change your outlook on life forever. I always thought that being skinny would make me happier and feel good about myself. I thought that doing WW, eating healthy and exercising was the way to go. I'm not bashing diets....but I wish now I hadn't been so strict with myself and really enjoyed my life and all I had 6 months ago.
When I went under the knife on September 25th....little did I know how much I was going to lose. Not only did I lose an organ, but I also lost a lot of freedoms. Freedom to eat anything I want, freedom to move around w/out pain, freedom to spend money eating out or buying clothes (hospital expenses can be a b*$%&!).
I have been on a fat free diet for the past 6 weeks and I have two more weeks on this stupid diet until I can slowly start adding back fat into my diet. I would give anything right now for a piece of cake and a slice of pizza!! I may never be able to eat anything I want....I will always have to know where the nearest bathroom is located...and this has been the hardest thing to deal with since my surgery.
I'm slowly but surely recovering from my surgery. I am not only recovering physically but also emotionally. I don't like the fact that I have four tiny scars on my abdomen. I also am tired of people telling me that they understand what I'm going through....has anyone out there really tried to eat 100% fat free for 6 weeks? It's horrible! It's emotionally draining and exhausting to look for food that can give you enough calories and still be fat free.
Me going to Cracker Barrell is the equivalent of an alcoholic sitting in a bar each day drinking water. I get tired of seeing people eat whatever they want while I am limited to a salad with only tomatoes and fat free dressing! They all get to eat biscuits with butter and fried onion rings while I can't eat anything. It does something to you emotionally when you are forced to do something like eat fat free versus choosing to eat that way.
So surgery has taught me a lot....it has forced me to slow down and take care of myself. It has also showed me that I never truly loved the person inside when I started my weight loss journey. I equated thinness with happiness like so many people in America when it's simply not true. I was probably happier being heavy than I am now. Sure it feels great to be able to wear pretty much anything I want....but I've dealt with health issues, money issues, jealousy issues from friends, and personal issues. Things that have made me reexamine all areas of my life.
So do I really love the person I am today? I'm starting to. I can't say that I love myself....I know I have to come face to face with my new self. My new body with it's scars (which my friend Josh says make everyone sexy!) and my new lifestyle. I won't ever be able to go back to my old diet....and although that's a good way to maintain my weight....it's going to have it's challenges.
I have more compassion now for those struggling with health issues. I savor my food and really pay attention to how I feel after I eat. I realize that I am destructible and should value my family, friends, and health more than ever before. I have started a new chapter of my life.....I have started a quest toward loving myself, my shortcomings, and my body.
Instead of looking at a number for happiness....I'm going to look inwardly and to God for my happiness. I'm going to ask God to show me in the days ahead exactly why I lost my gall bladder and how He's going to use it in the future. I have no doubt that this experience will make me a stronger person but this particular road to strength is not one I recommend.
So enjoy your fatty snacks and foods with gusto! Remember the real reason you are losing weight is not to fit into pants or reach a certain number.....it should be to make yourself healthier and a better person. Don't look at a diet as the road to happiness....rather see it as a journey to discover who you really are...on the inside. And never forget to ask yourself.....Do I love myself?
It's been forever since I've been on this website and to be perfectly honest I don't know how I feel about writing on this blog anymore. I feel like my life on WW and my life back in June/July has been an eternity away.
I got an email from someone on this site asking why I had been away so long....gosh.....I simply don't know where to start. I guess I'll start by saying that I was afraid to journal on here anymore. There are so many people on here struggling to lose weight or gain encouragement from those on their weight loss journey. In a way...I was one of the super successful ones on WW. I lost consistently each week and reached all my goals without a glitch. It's not to say that I didn't have my internal battles or internal struggles but compared to many....I did great. Now I feel like I'm paying the price for all of this great success.
Let's fast forward past my trips to the TN mountains, Atlantic City, my best friend's wedding (in which I was a bridesmaid) and my 'bout with the law b/c someone stole my credit card number.....let's breeze past all of those time consuming events to Labor Day weekend.
I went home on Labor Day weekend to attend my 10 year high school reunion. I was elated b/c I had reached my goal....had a fabulous red dress to wear...and looked my best! It was if I was the belle of the ball. I was on cloud nine....and didn't realize that sometimes those clouds cannot even hold the skinny people up! The day after my class reunion I started having excrutiating pain. Unbearable pain that I thought I would never live through. I went to the doctor and got admitted into the hospital for tests. It was determined that my gall bladder has failed and quit working. So now I'm on a completely fat free diet before surgery and for one month after surgery. The doctors think my drastic weight loss along with my drastic change in eating habits combined with me taking birth control pills did this to me. For people who lose weight too quickly.....the gall bladder can be affected. And for me....this was the case. So I stopped trying to even think about extrapounds.com b/c I felt like I didn't belong anymore.
Instead of trying to lose weight....I'm trying to gain it. I've lost 4 lbs in the past week and a half from eating fat free due to my gall bladder and I'm desperately trying not to lose weight and find things to eat that will help my body before and after surgery. I have surgery on the 25th of September and feel my body wasting away. Never in a million years would I have imagined that instead of struggling to lose weight I'd struggle to keep it or gain it. So I have ambivilant feelings about being on here anymore.....I miss the friends I made on here but don't know really what to say anymore b/c I'm upset at how quickly I lost the weight and now I'm having to have surgery. Please keep me in your prayers!
So if you read my earlier blog about the bluejeans you know how excited I've been to discover that I now wear a smaller size bluejean.
Everyone would think that life is grand and I'm living up the fact that I made it to my personal goal to drop some weight and fit into smaller clothes.....right? Wrong! I have discovered that now I'm more self conscious about my weight than before. What the heck?!
I went out to a very popular nightclub this weekend with my girlfriends in my new jeans with a very cute top. Ran into some people who ranted and raved about my new look and weight loss. Did I beam? No....I was truly utterly embarrassed!! I cringed when guys approached me and felt more self conscious when looking into the mirror in the bathroom next to all the other skinny girls. I wanted to be like "who am I kidding?" What's wrong with my brain?!
I don't understand why I have all of these new feelings when half the world would just be happy and love the fact that they had lost their weight and made it to goal. Any thoughts? I pray that whatever funk I'm in goes away and I can feel comfortable inside and out with my new body!
Nothing is this world is better than a great pair of jeans!!
As some of you know...I've been having jean issues lately. I've consistently lost weight during my spring weight loss journey and had vowed that I wouldn't go shopping for new clothes until I had lost enough weight to justify buying new clothes plus the fact that after buying a house....I have zero money for a new wardrobe. I'm a poor new homeowner for crying out loud!
Anyway...saggy butt jeans would not cut it at the beach so I went into J Crew and fit perfectly into size 6 low rider jeans. I hadn't been this size since college and my first time doing WW so I was elated!
After the beach I moved into my new house and since then I've been nonstop moving stuff around the house, getting ready for my housewarming party, working overtime to earn extra money, and doing stuff with my parents who have been in town helping me settle into my new place. I've been eating healthy but doing my own thing and have stayed off WW plan now for 3 weeks and haven't gained! So I consider all of this a success.
At my housewarming party I noticed that my size 6 jeans were a little looser and by the end of the night I had a saggy butt once again. Aaargghh! I hate saggy butt jeans!
So this week when my mom came into town I told her we had to go to Ann Taylor Loft. They were having a great sale and I had a leftover $25 giftcard from my b'day last October. We went inside and they had the cutest pair of decorated jeans. They were regularly priced $59 but I got them on sale for $19.99!! And the wow factor in all of this is that I fit perfectly into a size 4!! I haven't been a size 4 in my life!! I guess all of the gym visits, weight lifting, and eating healthy has payed off! Even though the numbers don't show I've reached my goal....in my mind I'm there!
I look awesome in my new size 4 jeans....no saggy butt anymore!! I swear I try them on every day b/c I still cannot believe it! I swear when I was in Jr. High I went from girls size 12 to women's 8 and by passed the 2,4, and 6 sizes.
So girls....if I can do this....so can you! You can get into those awesome jeans if you stay diligent and perservere!
Now if only I can snag a good lookin guy while wearing the jeans....that would be icing on the cake!
Why do skinny girls and buff guys at the gym think they are God's gift to mankind? I took two of my girlfriends to the gym yesterday to show them around. We wanted to attend the Hip Hop class at 5:30pm. A little bit of rain and a whole lot of traffic made us late for the class and as soon as I entered the gym the "gym goddess" proceded to tell me that couldn't go to the class with me (although they had guest passes) until they got special permission from the "buff god". Give me a break!! Since when did the gym become a nightclub?! Here lately when I go it's almost like it's an episode off the movie Mean Girls and if you don't dress a certain way, fix your hair before you go, and act a certain way then you are going to gym hell. And if this really is the case.....and my prospects of getting married depended on my gym looks/actions.....then I shall forever stay single! I did make it to Hip Hop and felt better after dancing to "Promiscuous Girl." I wanted to tell "gym goddess" that there is more to life than the walls of the gym.....but would she actually understand what I was saying? All of my frustrations left me by the time I went to dinner and a friend who I haven't seen since I started my diet kept going on and on about how awesome and fabulous I looked. I guess putting up with annoying gym people is a small price to pay in order to get the body and results I want!
So I finally decided last Thursday not to renew my WW subscription and try this whole healthy eating and living on my own! Last Thursday was the deciding day b/c the week before I had quit using points and still lost 1.5lbs! Although I've had great success with WW....I felt like it was time for me to test my own strength and decision making abilitites.
This week has been extremely stressful in my personal life plus I've had TOM and then today I felt like a failure with my decision. I got on the scale and for the first time in this whole entire dieting time I had gained .5 lb. I know most of you are rolling your eyes at me now but you have to understand that I even went to the gym for the first time in forever and my biggest fear is that since I'm doing my eating/living without points that I'm so afraid I'll gain all the weight back. I really wish I had measured myself during this process b/c then I'd know if it was muscle weight gain or true weight gain.
I hate to have blog entries where I feel down and out b/c I'm a pretty upbeat person....but at the same time I realize that if I don't get everything off my chest it will brew and the concoction will not be good!
So I end this entry with a parting question.....why is decision making so hard for me?....and why can't I be confident in my decisions these days?!
Nothing is this world short of getting on the scale and seeing numbers fall is like having people you know (and even better those who don't know you) giving you a compliment about your body!! I weighed myself yesterday and lost another 1.5lbs and now I'm at 137!! Cannot believe it b/c it's four days before TOM!! So of course I realize now that I can do just fine away from points and WW by eating healthy and really listening to my body and it's cravings.
So today I was feeling pretty good b/c I can finally fit into a pair of shorts I haven't worn in 2 years and trotted right down to Lowe's to get some last minute things before my housewarming party tonight. (Little stressed about everyone seeing my place!) Anyway....a lady at Lowe's made a comment about how I had great legs. It felt great especially since I've always thought my legs were heavy and I've always had a pear shaped body. My legs have always been my weak point and it was wonderful to get such a compliment.
I also noticed several guys checking me out which felt really good. It's like all of the sudden people have noticed and my Jr. League girls this week went on and on about how great I looked. It was just the motivation I needed to stay away from a second piece of red velvet cake from Colette's birthday celebration yesterday.
So to all who have paid me compliments in person and on this site I thank you!! Your words of encouragement and support have meant the world to me! Sorry I haven't returned the favor this week.....my housewarming party preparation has kept me super busy but I promise to read everyone's site this weekend. Have a fabulous weekend!!
As much as this saying is cliche....it's so true! "You don't know what you miss until it's gone."
I moved into my new house this past Wednesday!! Yeah!! The only bad part is that my internet, phone, and cable won't be connected until this Wednesday. I took several days off to move and get settled which is one reason why I haven't posted any blogs or done my WW points this week. I've truly missed reading everyone's entries and gaining encouragement from everyone on EP! I missed you guys!! I've also missed being able to log onto the computer and do my WW. I had already decided I'd take a week long break from counting points since I wouldn't have a computer and who really knows how many calories you burn moving?
So I decided mentally that I'm embarking on a new beginning! I have a brand new house (with all the new construction mishaps) with a brand new body and hopefully a new mindset when it comes to food. I jumped on the scale after spending my first night in my house to find I'd lost another 1/2 lb! Woo-hoo! With that joy I decided I wouldn't count points this week but rather focus on healthy eating and only eating when I was hungry. I must say I treated myself to a Chick Fil A ice cream cone after moving boxes for 3 hours on Friday....my legs hurt so bad from climbing stairs that I doubted the ice cream would seriously hurt my diet too much!
We shall see on Thursday if I can trust myself from staying away from the points system. I have 8 more lbs to lose to reach my goal by Aug. 5th. My WW 3 month program ends at the end of the month so I'm trying to decide if I want to sign up for a 4th month or just end WW at the end of the month and lose the last 5 lbs on my own in July. I haven't been to the gym since running my half marathon so I know once I add exercise into the routine the weight will come off. I'm a size 6 now and feel great physically and mentally at this point.
I guess changing my routine and my surroundings has also given me a boost. Not to mention that I've seen cute guys all over my townhouse complex and have noticed guys noticing me more which always helps boost confidence.
I hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend.....feels great to finally be back into the EP world!!
Just got back from my trip to the beach and I feel wonderful!! I took all of my diet foods with me so I'd have healthy things to eat while I was away and did a great job eating out and making healthy choices. Only got dessert once and had one wine spritzer but didn't deprive myself b/c I ate my heart out of fried shrimp on Friday night and it was awesome!! I never thought fried shrimp tasted better but it's probably more from the fact I haven't eaten fried foods since WW.....not that they were particularly that great.
My mom picked on me b/c I drug my scale to the beach and weighed myself on Thursday morning. I lost a 1/2 pound this past week!! Yeah!! I was super excited b/c after being sick with the stomach virus I had already been forwarned that I might gain the weight that I had lost from the virus back plus I was going on vacations. Thanks to all who wished me luck b/c it worked! Actually to be quite honest it probably had more to do with my attitude than actual luck. I tried to focus on activities on this trip rather than food.
Every other time I've been on a trip I have focused on drinks, deserts, eating out, etc..... but this time I took bike rides to the beach, walked along the water, and did more exercise than normal. I also looked up fresh seafood recipes and cooked inside our condo rather than getting my family to eat out all week long. I actually had more fun, felt more relaxed, and felt better at the end of the week from staying inside the condo at night instead of going here and there.....and saving extra money also helped. I kept telling myself....this saved money will come in handy this coming week when I start decorating my new home.
I took more pics of myself in my pink bathing suit...the same one I am wearing from March and I was very pleased with the results so I'll put my pics up later in the week after I get everything together from the move.
I hope everyone had a fabulous Memorial Day week.....can't wait to read how things went for everyone who took trips.
I'm going on my first true vacation while being on a diet....and I'm going to the beach where there is lots of great fried seafood!! I think I'll do fine b/c I have wonderful support from my mom and dad but I always eat more while I'm out of my normal routine. (I'll just have to splash around in the water more!) Hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.....no computers or phones for me on Edisto Island so I'll be MIA for this next week but I hope everyone does well staying OP!! Check in with you on Saturday!
