This is where I begin a journey to live a new life style. Change habits and thoughts. This is not anything I can do on my own, so I surrender all to my Lord for strength, courage, encouagement and endurance.Truth! This will become my diary, daily recording my actions,my thoughts, my mood, my routine for the day. I need to look at myself inside and out and find out who I have been, why and what changes need to be made and why? I have not always been a happy person. Caring, loving yes, but I have always struggled with being happy. I have had a life of quilt and not forgiving myself,which is maybe why I turn to food for comfort not because I am hungry. I think my behavior of rejecting people has been by subjecting or inflickting ,projecting my hidden quilt, sadness,tiredness, shame onto those who got closest to me.I have been so miserable with myself that to relax or be at peace or make myself sleep I turned to food not people. Those who were drawn to me I eventually pushed away. I have learned of myself to be a controller. I control decisions, ideas,circumstances and situations. I'd rather do it myself if its going to get done right! 

So why now?  Well the kids are grown and not to near. They do try to keep in touch. I see the misery in there lives and have they lived and learned this from me? shame on me. Marriage # 4 ! This one is a keeper! So this is for him , also.  My parents are in their 70's and so depressed with their health.I watch and listen to them and have learned this is not the life I want at 70. May I be happy enjoy life and love to live and live to love!  I feel a void and emptyness deep within. What is it ? Who am I, what is my purpose, my goals, my hobbies, my gifts, talents, interests? I have no friends. I have done this to myself! All because I am miserable inside. So now that I have listened to myself and noone else is to blame its all about me. Take the time I have to release the guilt,shame, hurt, anger forgive! Life goes on and so I will enjoy, love, live and laugh. How? one day at a time, not on my own. My God is with me and in me and He continues to be here with me. My friend, companion, caretaker.He still loves me. This could become a best seller if anyone wants to be a publisher. To begin I have Christ. Truth, faith and hope. Now to like myself I desire to fix what has been damaged. This body. 112 lbs to shed! Will be done! day one I spoke of me!