Wedding food

Woof. I went to a wedding reception tonight and had a Dolly Parton sized chicken breast.. holy cow!  .. probably the size of two outstretched hands ( not balled up). Fruit salad, green salad w/ poppyseed dressing, excellent rolls (ugh. I had 2) green beans w/ red peppers and onions, large red potato halves with some kind of seasoning. I'm sure I'm forgetting something. They also had the wedding cake, mini desserts and take-home cookie station (homemade by the bride).  This was a wedding where I wished that they had a dance so I could burn a few calories off!

Danced last night, though at a tent party.. danced until I was sweaty.. yuck, but also exhilarating!

Stick in the mud

UrbanDictonary.com, a VERY reliable source (tongue-in-cheek) cites a stick in the mud as
Someone who prefers to allow things of seeming enjoyment pass them by Someone who prefers to "stick" (stay, remain) in the "mud" (a metaphor for despression and unhappiness) derived from "to stick in the mud"

Well I feel like crawling out of this hole and washing some mud of.
I'm getting angry. Just starting to get angry at myself. How the H*U&)(#E did I let myself veer so far from my goals?  Getting angry ( insert any other emotion here too) is usually easy for me but it always turned inward. You screw me over? I mull it over in my head, self comfort with food, etc. Day sucks? Sit on my butt Someone says ugly untruths to me? Cry about it and let it ruin me.
You see, I'm really good at letting others get under my skin. And instead of directing the anger/hurt etc back at the person/situation whatever, I take it all in. But I'm angry at myself. For allowing it.
And, because I allow it, I am taking that anger out on my body, hurting myself.
so fine.
If that's my coping mechanism, fine.
I'm going to get so angry at myself. I am going to push and shove and KILL myself with exercise and activities. It's a nicer thing to do than kill myself by overeating which, let's face it, I'm shaving years off my life with my weight and whatever health problems may come from this. If I'm going to kill/punish myself then it's going to be getting mad at myself and punishing myself by exercise.
A little beating myself up.

i know this rambling makes sense to someone other than myself.

When push comes to shove

Hauled into the "quiet room" today by my supervisor. Turns out the project they offered me last Tuesday has "dissolved" ( which doesn't make sense but whatever) and that I can choose between going back into sales, or we can terminate our working relationship. Some choice!
Now, I must decide if I want to give it a shot? For how long (just 1 month to get me to June for health benefits? just the 2 months guaranteed pay? until they fire me for not hitting my numbers?) or I fi want to say "See ya" right now and go work for a friend. or If I should look at trying to get back in to a previous company? Or go in a totally opposite direction? so many decisions.

Sharing in Class

I found that I couldn't share in a 7 week course I'm taking through a local church. It's called "Me, Myself & Lies" by Jennifer Rothschild about Negative self-talk and cleaning those thoughts out of our head.
At any rate, we were asked to share the thoughts in our head when we get down on ourselves or the name that we call our self. I heard the participants say things like 'My hair looks funny" or " I am a weak person" . I just couldn't bring myself to share because I am much more hard with myself. My current "name" that runs through my head is fat fuck. Yes, that is how I refer to myself in my head. But I have a lot of negative thoughts and I think that I am wasting my time in the class because the other half of my brain says "Dummy, if you want to lose weight, why are you sitting for an extra 2 hours on a Monday night"!!! I feel like I should be using my freetime to do some exercise.  not that I am doing any now in my freetime, mind you., but it seems like I "might" want to on Monday nights.

I need to tap into some inner strength to start exercising. I figure, I'm abusing my body with the amount of food I'm stuffing in there.. not to mention the frequency of eating, or reasons for it like anytime i have an emotion to deal with I pretty much turn to food. I'm addicted.

Night in review

Off my A$$

$35 camp/sports/college physicals

Got this info from an email. Thought it might help someone out there.

http://minuteclinic.com/services/wellnessandprevention/physicalexams/sportsphysical/

Root of the matter

Working on taxes

No update tonight- I'm stress eating and doing taxes. Hope I finish tonight otherwise I'm messing up a totally nice evening tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Things friends say, meaning to be helpful?

My best friend doesn't "get it". I wouldn't expect her to since she hovers around a size 2. Never had in issue with anything food/diet/mindset. I, on the other hand, think of myself as a female Tweedledee/Tweedledum. You know.. the skinny legs, rotund gut/but/belly. I've gained and lost weight. I've been anywhere from a size 12-22 during the past 15 odd years. My most recent success came back in 2008, when I hit 154 ( oddly enough, that was a size 12 on me. I think I'd need to be 100 pounds to hit a size 10. ha ha) Currently, I'm clinging to the 190's, always getting dangerously close to 200.

Today, bff asked me why I'm moving so slow on losing weight. A word of advice for all the skinny Birches out there.. don't ask a binge eater WHY they are still so fat. It gets into my head and sticks with me for days.
I shot her an email tonight because I didn't know what to say, so here's a copy.

You're right. I didn't give our conversation a fare shake today. Yes, the weight loss has been moving slow (I gain and lose the same pounds over and over again). Yes, you probably do exercise more than I do, especially now that it's rollerblading season and you are feeling better this year. Yes, I have a problem with the amount of food that I eat. I eat when I'm bored; I eat when I can't express emotions that I have, or feel like I can't say things. I know you don't understand this- can't see why I just can't get my act together.. but I assure you there are others like me out there. I mentioned one thing that is different from before when I was able to lose weight is not doing the online blog. That is something that I need to do again to get back on track. I'm doing that class at church on negative thoughts. I'm trying. Please be patient with me as I make healthier choices. Ask me to do active things, invite me over to share a meal, check in with me but be gentle! I'm trying.