10 things I hate about being fat...

1.    Every morning I fling open the closet door and stand there, trying to find something that fits my ever expanding body.  I hate that so few things fit me.

2.    Even when I am wearing my gravity defying Spanx I still do not have the smooth silhouette that I desire.  I hate all the lumps and bumps.

3.  I can no longer thoughtlessly wear sleeveless clothes.  I hate the way my arms look flabby and untoned.

4.  When I sit down to eat I no longer feel like I "deserve" to have choice.  After all, too much freedom of choice has led me here.  I hate the way that I have turned over my control to food.

5.  Around men, I no longer feel desirable.  Our culture tells me if not skinny, men want thin and fit, not big and beautiful.  I hate the inadequacy I feel.

6.  Shopping has lost all its joy.  Stuffing myself in to the few larger pieces of clothing I have bought to bridge my wardrobe is my punishment for allowing myself to gain weight again.  I hate that my tops tug across my chest and my pants across my hips.

7.  When I look in the mirror I feel disappointed in myself.  I hate not feeling like a role model of healthy eating and lifesytle to my family, but mostly my daughters.

8.  At the gym I no longer feel confident and strong.  When I do manage to go there I slink to the furthest most treadmill and hope no one recognizes me.  Gone are my sleek workout clothes that accentuated my great figure.  I hate the oversize t-shirts I wear to "hide" my overindulgence.

9.  In the supermarket or in the department store, I imagine that people are having a more difficult time navigating the area around me.  I hate taking up more space and the way it makes me feel.

10.  I step on the scale and I see a number that to me indicates failure and lack of control.  I hate myself for being back here again.

Hang in there

You sound soo depressed, but I know the feeling.  Last year, I had got down to 160 (my lowest, weight since age 12) and was so excited about the prospects of entering the 150's (wow, the thought still excites me!)  I had done so well in such a short period of time that my accomplishments made me arrogant.  I adopted the attitude that I had worked so hard that I deserved a break.  And that's when the weight started to pile back on.  I'm now hovering around 190.  My my, what a year and a bad attitude will do to you.  At this point, I'd give my right arm to get back to where I was.  However, through all that, I've learned something:  that my life-long relationship with unhealthy eating will not go away just because I reach my goal.  It will always be there and I will always have to manage it.  You got your weight down before and you can do it again because you are you.  YOU CAN DO IT!!!! 

I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF.

man, i can totally relate to your post.  there is nothing worse than losing weight and gaining it back.  it is so hard to find that motivataion and get back into the groove of things.  it is nice to know that i am not alone.