New day... New chance to get it right...

And so it begins once again...

I have not been mia, just having technical issues with the sight which prevented most reading and posting = (  Hopefully, all is now well!

10 things I hate about being fat...

1.    Every morning I fling open the closet door and stand there, trying to find something that fits my ever expanding body.  I hate that so few things fit me.

2.    Even when I am wearing my gravity defying Spanx I still do not have the smooth silhouette that I desire.  I hate all the lumps and bumps.

3.  I can no longer thoughtlessly wear sleeveless clothes.  I hate the way my arms look flabby and untoned.

4.  When I sit down to eat I no longer feel like I "deserve" to have choice.  After all, too much freedom of choice has led me here.  I hate the way that I have turned over my control to food.

5.  Around men, I no longer feel desirable.  Our culture tells me if not skinny, men want thin and fit, not big and beautiful.  I hate the inadequacy I feel.

6.  Shopping has lost all its joy.  Stuffing myself in to the few larger pieces of clothing I have bought to bridge my wardrobe is my punishment for allowing myself to gain weight again.  I hate that my tops tug across my chest and my pants across my hips.

7.  When I look in the mirror I feel disappointed in myself.  I hate not feeling like a role model of healthy eating and lifesytle to my family, but mostly my daughters.

8.  At the gym I no longer feel confident and strong.  When I do manage to go there I slink to the furthest most treadmill and hope no one recognizes me.  Gone are my sleek workout clothes that accentuated my great figure.  I hate the oversize t-shirts I wear to "hide" my overindulgence.

9.  In the supermarket or in the department store, I imagine that people are having a more difficult time navigating the area around me.  I hate taking up more space and the way it makes me feel.

10.  I step on the scale and I see a number that to me indicates failure and lack of control.  I hate myself for being back here again.

One week later...

So, tomorrow is weigh-in and will bring my days OP 10:10.  That in itself is an accomplishment given my recent history.  In the past, to drop pounds fast I would cut my points to 10-12 a day.  Now, logically I knew that wasn't something I could follow long term, but it usually gave me a big drop in pounds... enough to keep me motivated to keep going.

This time I've been eating my daily points and (last week) most of my Flex points.  I finished the week with 5.5.  It would have been 21 had it not been for my run in with the box of Red Vines (15.5 points!!!).  This week I've been having a few Flex a day so tomorrow will be a bit of a litmus test.  If I have any loss at all I think I will continue on as I have been, with the addition of earning some APs - but not necessarily eating them.  If there is no drop, or the dreaded gain, I will tighten the proverbial belt.  After all, I have a goal to reach!

Until tomorrow...

Next...

Okay, okay... so it wasn't that dramatic.  And I wasn't in a courtroom, just a hearing room.  And there wasn't a judge, just a referee.

Still, my unemployment hearing is o-v-e-r and I will never have to revisit this situation again.  The decision will be issued and mailed within the next two weeks.  There is some measure of peace in that I can live with whatever the outcome, and that I didn't let him bully me.  We'll see what comes next.

I am 3:3 OP this week.  I could easily have eaten my way through today (stress, right?  that's justifiable, isn't it?), but I didn't.  Even when my work lunch turned out to have 12-points(!!!) -Wild Alaskan Salmon Salad from Cosi- I salvaged the day.  It forced me to eat a 3-point Lean Cuisine for dinner, with a salad and broccoli... but I still have 2-points left for a snack size Homestyle popcorn so it can't be all bad.

I did peak at the scale today and found myself happily down a half-pound in advance of my Weigh-in Day (Wednesday).  I will take it and run considering I'd only been OP two days at weighing.  Wait!  I'll take it and run anyway because my new MO says that half-a-pound a week is just fine by me.  So I'll be 60 by the time I'm done losing weight, so what?  Okay, so I'll be 48, big deal!

Alright, now on to my newest obsession for which I will soon need a 12-step program - Craig's List.

On this day...

On this day one year ago I locked the door of my house, caught a ride to the airport and boarded a plane for California.  I left behind my job of seven years, my three older children, my dog, my home, two-thirds of my physical possessions, etc.  I looked toward a new career, freedom from responsibilities that had anchored me for more than 20 years, and a return to my state of birth.

In June, after months of feeling alone and isolated from family and friends,  I returned without too much damage to my life, finances, and psyche unless you count my 45 new best friends (I boarded the plane at 132).  I wondered why I was so tired until I realized I was carrying around five (count them - five) 9-lb. bowling balls all day, every day!  When I looked at it this way, it didn't take an "ah ha" moment about why I am so exhausted.

Now, it's time to put this nonsense behind me and leave these new found friends behind.  No one is responsible for the choices I've made but me.  I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in the world, in spite of the fact that I thought the hard part was behind me (relocation, financial recovery, new job, reentry into the community, repair of personal relationships) and I now find I've got a year of hard weight loss work in front of me.  I could make some ridiculous pronouncement here about how I want to lose X-amount of pounds in three months, how I want to be at goal by the end of the year, but that would be laughable.  So instead, I'll just say here is my goal...

That is the number I've found to be best for ultimate long term health given my myriad of health concerns (too boring to detail here) and it falls in the low end of my WW healthy weight range for my age (too high to detail here!) and halfway between the lean and average weight on EP.  And, nail girl or no nail girl... the only time I feel comfortable in a dress or shorts, revealing my legs, is when I am in the 120's.  When do my calves fit in knee-high boots in the frigid temps we have here every winter?  120's  When does my lower half no longer resemble an inverted trianngle?  120's  And let's face it... it's fine to have a goal, but if I can't reach this one and maintain it comfortably, I will go to my happy place in the 130's and live in a world of capris and longer skirts and I will still be quite happy.

So that's it... I'm looking forward to a new year that begins today where I get back to the physical state that now matches my emotional state.  And here's to making measurable steps by breaking it down in to five pound increments.  It will take some time, no doubt about it.  Let's face it, with a less demanding job and only one teenager at home I have plenty of time.  I'm not here to break any land speed records and I will have to address my overeating issues one day at a time but I believe in myself and I know I can do it.

So anniversary or no anniversary... it's time to get back to basics and get healthy- mind, body, and soul, which always has been the ultimate goal, the rest are simply fringe benefits. 

Confessions of a Food Addict...

Hello, my name is Girl and I am a compulsive overeater.

I wasn't always this way, but in the past year I've become a compulsive overeater.  In the beginning, I joked that my "full-o-meter" was broken, that my thyroid was misbehaving, that the combination of my not counting points and not exercising was catching up with me.

All of these scenarios are possible, but the truth is I'm eating too much and moving too little.  I eat when I am happy, as well as when I am sad.  I eat in boredom or entertainment.  I eat absentmindedly or in full consciousness.  I eat while reading a book, on my computer, while watching television, or while standing at the kitchen sink.  My eating is out of control and so am I.

I knew it was really bad today when a man I met online asked to meet me in person and I thought it would be a good idea to tell him that I would be out of town for ten days so that I could lose a quick ten.  Logical?  I think not.  Why?  Because I don't feel good about myself, and I don't want to put myself out there like this.

The promise is always to restart on Sunday, then Monday, then the beginning of the month, mid-month, new moon's, new year's, after shopping, before shopping, upon waking, upon bedtime, after vacation, the three day weekend, the next major holiday... and still I am off track and struggling. Why... because my name is Girl and I am a compulsive overeater.

Excuses... Excuses... Excuses...

If I wanted to, it is quite conceivable that I could make up enough excuses to delay weight loss until the end of time.  At which point, I would be the cover story on the local newscast as the world's largest woman, outweighing all of daytime's previous record holders.


How much more humiliating could it be than to have my beloved nail girl tell me today that my legs were getting heavy (when exactly a year ago she deemed me "too skinny")?  No kidding, there are two giant redwood trees exactly where my legs once use to reside.  My legs are not my best feature on a good day, but pack on a good 30-40 pounds and things go to a whole new low.  So, now after spending $42 my legs don't look any better, but my feet sure do.

Truth be told, I've been dancing around this whole weight loss thing for the past month(s) and I need to acknowledge that time is passing and I'm not where I want to be.  My half-hearted attempts are not yielding losses in pounds or inches.  The time to take action is now.  So in a few hours, I will be outside the gym door waiting for it to open, wearing my new pink gel Asics, ready to whoop Lola into shape again, but hopefully for the very last time.

Run Lola, Run...

Do you remember that movie.  Lola did some running, and I need to do some running too! 

My new shoes were in a plain brown cardboard box by the side door when I came home from work yesterday.  Like a silent omen, quietly mocking me for not going running yesterday morning.  My justification?  The FamousFootwear website said they weren't being delivered until September 4... and I was committed to waiting for them to arrive.

So, after a day of (food) debauchery, with nary a point being counted (I would have needed a calculator) my shoes arrived, a day early, much to my chagrin because I knew the sunrise would bring a swollen belly and a food hangover.  And so, they sit and wait for what I'm not sure, only that they are there for the moment I am ready to take the very first step toward a healthier me -body, mind, soul...

False start...

Yesterday I did not go to the gym...
I did not journal my food...
I did not eat OP...
I did not pass go or collect $200.

Thank goodness today is a new day, and I am headed to the gym right... NOW!

UPDATES:
9:41 a.m.  -  W1D1/C25K  Completed  = )

Crashed and burned...

Yup, that would describe yesterday in the food department.  I was worrying about that unresolved work issue and I let it get the best of me.  But that was yesterday, and this is today and I'm going to move foward.  Yesterday's mail brought some of the closure I was looking for with a hearing date two weeks away.  It made me happy to know that I will present my side at the hearing, they will render a decision, case closed.  Then I can forget about that ugly episode, be grateful I no longer work for that organization, and move forward.

I did get a ton done yesterday in spite of the food debacle.  MANY errands related to putting the house back together.  Think I found a C&Barrel set for the kitchen, got care package stuff together for DS19, odds/ends from hardware store, return to ULTA, etc.  At the end of the day I felt it had been very productive.

Restarting C25K today.  Trying to get up to speed on my own has not been successful.  I ran faster after I did the whole program and never returned to that level once I stopped running regularly.  So, today is D1/W1.  Heading to the gym at 8 o'clock.  5m walk, 60s jog, 90s walk up to 20 minutes.  I think it's easier to do on the treadmill too, since I can tell exactly how fast I am going and for how long.  When I tried to do it on the trail, "guess"timating was challenging.

Let's see... meeting DS21 later, might meet a friend for lunch.  The day is wide open and I'm going to forget about yesterday's slip and embrace the new day.