Fighting a Losing Battle

Oh, the irony!

I'm up three pounds. Back to 229. Damnit. I'm so sick of this crap. I don't know why it went up. I haven't been eating too much or exercising any less. And my motivation is waning quickly...I'm about a pound away from raising the white flag of defeat and resigning myself to another summer of "No, I can't to go to the beach this weekend, I've just got to steam clean the carpet."

Last summer, in an attempt to make myself more comfortable at the beach, I bought this giant "swimdress." Not one of those cute ones with the little flare skirt either. Its a big 'ole sheath dress with racing stripes that falls just below my knees. The idea was to cover more of my body, thus making me feel more confident. Except it did the opposite. When I put it on, I feel worse. It almost screams, Hey I'm a big fat fatty and I know it and I want you to know it too! I actually noticed that I look better naked than I do in this swimsuit. And that is saying something for sure. Naked, a least I can moisturize really well, dim the lights, and convince myself that I'm curvy, sexy, voluptuous. I can recall art of the 15th Century and console myself that Peter Paul Rubens would have found me to be a total babe.

That swimdress though...it takes me right back here to 2008.

My university has a huge recreation center...tons of equipment for use..a complete gym membership paid for in the cost of my tuition. I've been there about three times...and its just so daunting. It's filled with pefectly toned girls and guys. (Toned because they are there at the gym, I know, but it's still scary.)  I left every time feeling horribly intimidated. I looked for people like me...any girls at all over 130 lbs would have been sufficient. But they just weren't there. I imagine for the same reason I have...