12/20/2008 20:07
I never meant.. for this..
The new year is going to bring a lot of changes or so it seems, i feel sick and nervous. All i wanted was for someone to understand that i'm struggling, and that i need a little support over the holidays possibly, not for them to take everything out of my control and change everything.
I told my therapist about how the binging and purging is getting worse, 5 times a day or more, and i have self harmed. This was because i was very suicidal, and needed someone to know because i was scared with what i might do this time - i don't want to put my family through that.
She said she was concerned. Code name for legal complications i suppose. I doubt she was emotionally concerned. I have to go for regular checkups at the hospital, bloods, monitoring, etc. And "she needs to review with the rest of the team to see the next course of action". Thats where it hit hard. Fine, fine, check ups i can do. But not this. I don't want to lose the one person i spent so long trying to trust and open up to, i can't build trust with someone new it's too much. I'm scared that i'll be forced to change my current treatment situation.
I wish i never said anything. Suffer with things alone as always, even if it would have ended up killing me, feels like that would have been a better option than for me to be opening my big old gob =_=
Haven't been able to keep anything down since, gone from 114.8 to 106.2 without trying to lose weight. I feel like an idiot. Too depressed and anxious now. I can't explain how scared i am, or even all the reasons why.
09/26/2008 10:58
Dooms day, oh noes!
My parents are back today, and the stress is horrible. I've scrubbed down every part of the house that i could, hoovered everything, and made sure in a frantic attempt to make everything seem "acceptable" to my mum. When she walks in after a holiday, you have that horrible "oh gosh, please no critiscm, please please please let it be right this time, good enough, please" feeling that hits you in your stomach.
It was. strangely. Nothing harsh was said.
But everyone is still arguing and all you want to do when they argue is curl up and vanish in the smallest place you can.
Yesterday was a bad day bulimia wise, well so has the whole week while they've been away but anyways.. suprisingly my weight has stayed stable, slow loss only and i'm not even trying. Wonder if cutting out the alcohol actually did something positive? had the biggest urge to drink, i'm 4 weeks sober which i was so happy about, really felt like i needed a drink quite a few times this week. But you know what? i don't need it, i don't want the weight gain or even to get into that loop again. Alcohol, consider yourself evicted from my life, i don't need you. *nods*
I've been naughty with my eating patterns though, today i know i should have had more but i can't bring myself to eat anything else. I don't want to be around them while they are arguing, locked myself in my room with my cold cup of herbal tea. Sigh.
Awesome fact: garlic, when you use it, stinks out a fridge. Oops. Me, being extremly dense, didn't know that. Garlic, celery, and carrot sticks in the fridge. I love the smell. But my mum doesn't. I couldn't help but giggle. Ahhh everythings going to stink of garlic now, my little revenge for their arguments *evil* xD unintentional but eh well.
Need to work out a new name for my craft store that i'm opening, and possibly make a youtube video. Started one recently but i'm rubbish at actually finishing things. Bah.
106.8
Just think, if i love 5 more pounds, i'll be back to my old stable weight.
Terribly tempting. But i am NOT focusing on weightloss, i'm SUPPOSED to be trying to get meals, and binging/purging under controll. I need this out of my mind at the moment, too flipping tempting.
Sigh.
// Gem
09/26/2008 10:39
The same old journey, but new adventures.
Well, i guess an introduction might be a good place to start? :p
My name is Gemma, i'm 23 years old and live in jolly old England. Weathers been pretty good recently, and we're going on into fall!
I suffer with social anxiety disorder, bullimia/ednos, and depression (currently in therapy for it all). I've been struggling for the past 4 years to fight down my demons and get life to be under control but it hasn' worked out that way. Despite passing my college course in graphics, my eating disorder and anxiety increased severly over the past two years. I'm still trying to get back on track, and i will.
I love arts and crafts, i love reading, i love my cats! I love snow and winter. I love alot of things, it's just depression seems to choke all that out. I'm in a good mindset right now and rather quite cheerful! 
So this is my journey, to find good things in life, and in myself and my world. Currently i don't have a job, or even a plan, going into occupational therapy soon with luck - nervous as heck though! Still living at home with my parents, and right now having severe issues with even leaving the house (how did i let things regress this much? sigh.)
Retrying to go raw again, i know that if i can lessen my grip on
calorie counting, or binging, raw will be the best choice in the world
for me. So connected with the earth and with the spirit, i've always
felt it was the right choice for me - but my eating disorders made me
terribly afraid of trying it because it means i'd be choosing life..
and risking weight gain.. i can't explain that sort of feeling very
well.. but it's a hideously scary type of feeling that suddenly hits
and you don't know why.
Please don't judge me for my weight goals, and maybe some of the things i get upset about or rant about, or which ever. Some days are particularly bad, true, and sometimes my judgement is clouded, true, but these are all things that only define a part of me. I'm determined this time, change.. i need it now more than ever. Even if the thought of it does terrorfy me.
If anyone ever needs a hug, a helping hand, or someone to be there - i'm just a message away. One thing i've learnt from experiance, no matter how bad things get, or how bad you feel, it'll pass - you just have to stick out the rain and hold your ground with an umbrella, a good friend holding an umbrella with a spot for you also makes it less lonely when you feel alone.
Anyways, ramble over.
Let the insanity begin! muwahaha!
~ Gem*
