on tuesday night i took a shower and weighted myself and found myself to be the same but i was ok with that!

 

it was wednesday night when things started going down hill for me! my mom cooked me a great meal a light curry (i love my curry's) i was well please! untill later that night my tummy was turning in side out! but not much heppened untill the next morning! i woke up from a poor night sleep and then i had to run to the bathroom! i ended up being sick i just throught that was a one off so i got myself ready for work! i went to work on time for once! but wthin 20 minutes of beng there i was sick again and it kept going on for 2 hours!  so i got myself home! didn't eat at all that day my tummy couldn't take it! just drank water and slept all day! friday came around!in the morning i got up ready for work again then i was sick again! so i ended up staying at home! but i'm one of those people who hates having time of work (work mad as my parents say) so i asked my boss if i could from home! they said that great as we are snowed under at the mo!

 

in the afternoon a decided to have a slide of toast because i didn't know if i was hugery or if i was still feeling sick! the toast stayed down which was good because i was looking foward to the evening going out with kerrykat and her family of tigers surpporters and going to the ice hockey (tigers) awards night! later that after noon i decided to go out as the toast managered to stay down and i felt a lot better! but i didn't want to eat anything else just in case!

 

at the awards night i had to coke colas (because i don't drink) that made me feel worst! but other than that i had a good night!

 

this morning i had work i didn't want any breakfast because my tummy was turning inside out agian! so i took myself to work agian! lol! work work work!

 

after work i went home had a bath and weighted myself i found that i've lost 7 pounds! in a way i'm happy but i know its not the right way! but i can't help being ill!

 

i've had dinner tonight and found i couldn't eat it all of it and it was only a kids size one because i didn't want to make myself sick agian! but the mean thing a eat something which i haven't had a proper meal sense wednesday night apart from the toast! so fingers crossed i'm over this sick illness thing and back on the diet!

Sunday was a totally different day for me! i had a MIR scan in the morning on my head! the doc's are trying to understand why i have lost my hearing in my left ear! i kept telling them that they won't find a brain they will find a pea probably shaped as a cake! lol!

 

They had to put my under as i was so scared of it! so i was a sleep for 3 hours, when i won't up i made my mom and dad laugh! all i could talk about was chocolate! i said we need to go to a shop and ask them to make me a chocolate mask i kept asking! A BLOODY CHOCOLATE MASK! what was the drugs they gave me! they are still laughing at this present moment!

 

sunday afternoon was GAME ON ice hockey match time! we had to get some lunch 1st, so we went to newport in shropshire and went for a pub meal! but i didn't eat much because i felt abit sick after the morning sleeping session! when we finished at the pub i went to the waitrose super market and found them the rice chocolate cakes i have been talking about! i was so happy! i brought lots of packets for the cupboard at home. The reason why we were at newport was because my perents were dropping me off to a friends for a road trip to peterbrough to watch our local team Telford tigers! on the way i was eatting the chocolate rice cakes and i couldn't believe it i loved them i nearly eat all the whole packet! but i left 3!

 

kerrykat a good friend on EP and in tigers world made me laugh going to the match and she said if you want to have a laugh get a few things together you don't want to keep, take it to your local rubbish tip and pull up with the car and watch the stupid people making fools out of there selfs! i might do that one day for a laugh!

 

anyway we travelled to peterbrough and tigers played the best they could with loads of players down, but by the last peroid i put my hand in my bag and couldn't feel the rice cakes OMG they had all gone, i didn't know what i was going to do! but i was alright by the end off the last period! i totally forgot about it! so now i know if i try my hardest to think about other things i know i don't want chocolate!

 

so i can do this if i put my head to it!

OH MY GOD! i haven't had any chocolate for 2 days eke! but that is all i'm thinking about! someone told me about these thin rice cakes with a bit of chocolate on them, today i have hunted high and low in my home town but had no look! but its getting worst all i keep thinking about is everything you can make out of chocolate ie chocolate cake, chocolate cheese cake, chocolate ice cream and on and on! this is all i have been thinking about all day!

 

today we have had the two kids around (my sisters two) and the routeen goes like this, you play abit, watch tv abit, then they eat abit, and then we start all over again. This goes on for hours and hours. They are skinny kids but they don't half pack the food in there bellies! when they are eating all i could of done is nicked there package of crisp or thier sweets! but i have been good so far just eat the mean 3 meals a day and had grapes in between!

 

josh the oldest keeped laughing at me when he was eating the chocolate bar my mom gave him, his 3 years old but has cottoned on fast that i'm cutting out alot of naughty food! so don't i know when they are having thier treats.

 

i had to make a cake today as i do this for extra cash! and you never guess what? i was a bloody chocolate cake! it was alright when the icing went on it because the molding starts then ( the rabbit sitting in the arm chair) i didn't think about the inner of the cake the chocolate bit!

 

The other big part of cake making i'm going to miss is the licking out the bowl after the cake mixture has gone in the cake tin, i love doing that but i know to hit my goal i have to cut out all the things i love doing!

 

I have been looking at do either a sky dive or a buggy jump and i have set myself a target went i lose all my weight (the extra fat that i'm carring around) i will treat myself to one of those dreams!

 

My dad came up with an idea today he gave my a large jam jar, he said every pound i lose i can put a pound in the jar then that will be for my dream jump! He called if POUND FOR A POUND! Go dad! great idea!

 

 

This is my 1st blog all about why, when and how, i'm going to change my life and the way i eat.

 

Today i released that i'm the only one living this life and its me that has to make the most of it!

 

Yesterday was a very low day, i felt that i was alone (well thats most days) but yesterday i could of ended my life but i didn't or i wouldn't be here writting this blog, in the end i went to eating lots of food like chocolate, crisps, curry and on and on the list goes on!

 

When the day came to an end last night, i went to bed and cried myself to sleep, i felt fat and so alone. I've tried talking to people, but they say that i'm ok and then give me a hug, this dosen't help someone who suffers from depression and who is a self harmer.

 

This morning i woke up and throught about texting in ill (sick), but i made myself get out of bed and dragged myself to the bathroom, Thats when i looked in to the mirror and saw a complete stranger, i felt ungly and fat!

 

Today i've been to the other extreme and not eaten, i felt that i couldn't face food, the only thing i eat up untill lunch time was a small bunch of grapes!

 

At work the radio is always on, somedays i don't even hear it, because i forget its on or i'm always busy. Today was different through, i heard it, radio one was on and they were telling a story about someone who gone through what i think was a break down ( which is what i think i might be going through) the story had a song attached to it which was "chasing cars" by Snow Patel.

This story they were telling made me feel i wasn't alone, the song made me think.

Now i know i have to eat but the right food at the right times, to be able to lose weight.

 

so i have to get a plan out!  The 1st step is cut down on chocolate because thats my biggest problem!

 

today is the 1st day in ages which i haven't eaten any chocolate, i can't remember the last day i went without chocolate! so i take it this is my 1st step!

 

I went down the street and brought so low fat items ans dalie bread, bread is another thing i eat to much of!

 

tomorrow is another day, so i will see how i feel tomorrow and hopefully kick start my new life!