Haven't been on in a few days, buts it's a good thing. I've been busy doing something about all this rather than just talking about it. Time was limited, so I had to choose.
On Sunday I ran my 6k in the freezing rain. I kept pace though, so was happy about that. It felt good to finish. Then last night I did 10k on the crosstrainer (80 min at mid-intensity) plus some tens therapy on my inner thighs as my knees has been bothering me lately. Got my half mile done in the pool today, and will do another 10k on the xtrainer tonight. It's just too darn cold to run outdoors today!! Makes me a bit fearful for my 10k race this weekend, but I'm trying not to worry about it. One day at a time.
Christmas preparations are mostly done, I don't do baking... Really? Do any of us need sugar, fat and white flour in our diets? "Merry Christmas, here's a leading contributor to heart disease, diabetes, and obesity.". Our world seriously needs to re-evaluate it's customs. Everything has become about over-indulgences, and consuming--buying more and earlier, spending more, eating more, making more, taking more. ... This is what got me here. Now it's time to simplify. :)
I am SO frustrated! I just, JUST, got out of a slump, and now here I am tonight really struggling. I'm sitting here on my couch, watching TV, and NOT exercising, and really fighting the urge to eat. :( :( I'm so sick of this up and down crap. I'm not going to eat.... I just hate the energy that resisting takes. I hate being in this space. I hate that I'm here AGAIN! .... Sad sigh.... If I think about what maybe helped get me here... I think it was running into an old client of mine, and some pretty emotional-laden circumstances coming back up to mind for me. Sigh. Previously it was running into someone else from my past...I'm just fed up. The good thing, I guess, is that this will teach me to work through successfully in a healthy way. It's really putting new habits to the test over old coping mechanisms.... Making me more aware of the kinds of things that have sent me spiraling down hill in the past. But sometimes, mostly just right now, I think "is it worth it? This fight and effort.". .... Urgh.
I know the answers, I know what the right thing to do is, I'm just unhappy.
I feel great tonight. Had a good dinner (chicken, rice, carrot juice) and went to the pool to swim my 64 laps. It went so well that when I was done I swam an additional 8 for good measure. Would have gone longer had the pool not been closing. I just love swimming. Makes me feel so peacful, relaxed, in control... just to focus on my breathing, my arms as they enter the water, the position of my body gliding up and down up and down up and down the lane. I can feel my ridiculous expectations coming into a healthier place. I think about my upcoming runs and am proud of myself for registering, despite the cold and how much I hate running. I'm proud of myself for picking an activity for the pure mental challenge and personal challenge that it brings. I'm proud of myself for taking the giant that the 10k felt like, and putting it into perspective, which makes me believe my half marathon in the spring will be do-able, even if i'm embarassingly slow at it. (my fear is coming in dead last)
Tomorrow I see my doctor for counselling.... we've been working on my wretched self-esteem. I'm hoping he's a patient man because I'm just not sure it's a problem that's going to suddenly go away anytime soon. I need to stop comparing myself to other people, or, worse yet, being fearful that others are comparing me and finding me lacking. Somewhere I started holding onto this belief system that to be loveable I needed to be admirable somehow. To be the best, the fastest, strongest, smartest, funniest, prettiest etc. etc. that was all find and good in my younger years, but i just can't fill those expectations anymorem, and being an adult, i'm very aware of how much i fall short in many of those areas. finding me under THIS particular mess is more difficult than finding me under the weight. It's a work in progress, and I think I've started, but I think I have a long long way to go yet. How to discover what is good in my own eyes and to learn to be happy with that. Tough. really tough. So happy to have a faith in God, to have that outlet--someone who understands it all, hears it all, sees it all, and somehow loves me through it all.... suspect this is where i'll need to go to in order to learn how to love myself and not feel so emotionally threatened all the time. If I could just see myself how God sees me. If only we all could eh?
Anyways.... looking forward to a successful Christmas season!
Somehow I made it through that dreadful tricky patch, successfully, and I am so relieved. Last night I worked out for over an hour and mentally closed the door on this emotional/physical slump that I've been feeling. I woke up feeling so much better. Took my son grocery shopping and felt proud, at the checkout, of all the produce, whole foods, and healthy stuff we were purchasing, with nothing unhealthy at all. This was the first I really realized how far my eating habits have come in the past while.
I'm also in a better place mentally about my 10k run coming up. I wasso nervous, but then I got to thinking how easily I can walk 5k and how successfully I ran it last weekend with energy to spare, so 10k is only really doing that twice. All I need to worry about is freezing! Lol. Also, I am gearing myself up to be proactive with the holidays and sign up for the 5k run on new years day. This will keep me accountable for what I consume new years eve, and substantially decrease temptation to ear too much at our new years day celebration. This is new me trying to make the hollidays about more than food. I used to do a thanksgiving run every year too, way back in the day, and loved it. So maybe that will be my new holiday tradition. :) Then I can take that quiet time to reflect on the holiday, times with family etc. and enjoy my good health.
Brick by brick, here is me building the new healthier me.
Will some things never change? .... Still, I'm hopeful at least.
I'm wondering, even if I get this 30 lbs off, will I still be an insecure person? Probably. I think I'm maybe trying to wrap all my self-esteem issues into my weight, which makes this all larger than life for me (no pun intended! Lol)
Too bad there isn't a straight-forward fix for insecurities and self-esteem issues.
I am hopeful though, because behind these melodramatic ramblings, is me sorting out the deep down stuff that got me to this place to begin with. And the sooner I deal with that crap, the sooner I can be free from it. But wow, when you can't eat your feelings away, or otherwise mask and ignore them, do they ever cause some discomfort.
Today I woke up feeling like I looked slimmer. That was encouraging. Still, it's only been a week and a half since I last weighed myself, so I'm trying to manage my expectations and buckle down for the long haul. I am in some sort of a mood though. Frig! Sure wish I could just calm the crap down and be happy.
So I resisted binging today, and I'm happy about that. Relieved really. I made a hot chocolate, and then gave it to my husband as I realized it might start me down a bad road as it was cals I didn't need and the sugar would only leave me more vulnerable.
I went for a walk in the freezing cold with my girlfriend, we had to keep a good pace just to keep warm. This morning I swam also. So all in all it's been a successful day. Yet, here I am still struggling with my thinking. I'm annoyed and frustrated. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be having to work so hard at losing weight and have it come off so slowly. I just want to be active and healthy for the sake of being active and healthy now. I feel impatient. I want to be at the end, in the maintenance. I want to see the results. Sigh.
I'm going to recognize it for what it is: Fatigue. My body is sore, my muscles are tired, my brain is fatigued... I need to rest. In times like these my resistance is low and the temptation to binge becomes harder to resist. But resist I will, because I'm cuing into what my body is asking for: REST! So right now I will nap, this afternoon I'll stretch my muscles and play with my son, and tonight I'll walk with my friend. I have dinner panned out already, which is helpful. So I won't allow myself to eat anything else. It will be worth it. Getting my life back is worth these harder days.
I've still not weighed myself, and that is helping a lot! Maybe atcthe end of December I will. I can tell I'm losing because my body is changing, so right now that's all I need to know.
This is where my goal to work on my thinking is put to the test. I had a really successful weekend. I ate flawlessly, ran my 5k, did an hour on the cross trainer last night, another 50 minutes tonight despite being exhausted. I didn't go to soccer because I chose personal health and my need for peace/rest over it, so the 50 minutes on my xtrainer was in place of that. ... All of this, but somehow I'm sitting here struggling with a feeling of failure and discouragement. :(
I can't seem to figure out what this is about. Somehow it's never enough for me, I am never good enough for me. (sigh)
This is me turning it around though.
Life is a journey. It's not a moment but a series of moments. I have done a good job, and anything left undone can still be done. It is not the end of the world. Nothing is so pressing or so important that it's worth stealing my peace. It's not a big deal.
... Ok, so I'm struggling to find words, but I think I can still cheer myself up here.
For a few days now I have not been able to log onto this website. The server told me the site was down. No worries though, it's been a great couple days. Yesterday I ran my first 5k of the season. My goal was to do it in about 35 minutes, averaging 7min per km, and I beat my goal!! I was really happy about this. In the evening I ran into someone, unexpectedly, who is not at all a positive person in my life. Normally this would send me into a tailspin, and indeed I did feel as though I was going to faint, however I managed to hold it together. When I got home, my belly full of adrenalin from the situation, rather than binging and becoming self-destructive as I have in the past, I climbed on the cross-trainer for an hour. I actually FELT like doing this. So I think new coping mechanisms are finally starting to form! This morning, however, I woke up SO sore and feeling a bit glum. I think I will nap this afternoon and just push through the day. Tonight I have soccer, and though I really do not feel like going, I know it will help. I'm just tired. This is only fatigue. If that 5k and that unfortunate run in didn't beat me yesterday, I'm sure as heck not going to let a little fatigue and muscle soreness get me down today.
So what started out to be a difficult day, and one that felt as though it might defeat me, turned out to be ok. I managed to shake off my bad mood, and have a little fun with my son. It helped that my husband came home early from work. Lunch was a pretty big and heavy one because I didn't have a plan in advance, but rather than calling it quits on the day, I ballanced it out with a really light dinner. Again faced a defeating challenge when I got into the car and saw my husband had left an open bag of chips. sigh. I started eating them before I even thought about what I was doing. I hate that! But, not to be defeated, I put the bag down (after a couple more) and drove to swimming where I rattled off my 64 lengths.
sitting here now I feel like maybe I could have or should have done more, but in the end I think the day just ballanced itself out, and that's ok. Not all victories, but not all defeats either. staying positive, and refusing to dwell on what I could have done better. tomorrow is a new day.
Not weighing myself daily has been a great idea apparently. No more added drama to the day. Nor the week even. I'm anxious to see in mid-december where I'm at, and am being very cautious to manage my expectations in order to guard myself against disappointment. So until then, I'm going to just keep my last weight in mind and not expect anything.
