Today was a pretty good day so far... of course I'm still going out to the bar tonight, so a few things remain to be seen...

I did some research about calories and stuff, and according to some websites, I can actually eat 2000 calories a day with some excercise and lose a pound a week. It's pretty strange sounding, but I do have over 100 pounds to lose... I guess it takes a lot of calories to maintain all this.  I'm skeptical, but I'm going to try it for two weeks and see what the scale has to say about it.

I've sworn off fad diets and overly restrictive plans this time around.  They haven't worked before, and I'm not insane. In the words of Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." 

This time I'm doing it differently.  To start out, this is my plan of action:

1. Take my vitamins and calcium every day. I know it doesn't help you lose weight, but I'm trying to get into healthy habits.

2. Excercise every day. (I'm not trying to be a body builder here, I'm talking about something as simple as a walk. But right now I'm totally sedentary. The most excercise I get half the time is reaching for the bag of chips.)

3. Cutting back on meat. I'm not going to eat meat every day. Say... three times a week. (That's not difficult for me to do, I eat meat out of convenience more than actually liking it.  There are lots of other protein sources I like better that have less fat and cholesterol.)

4. Cutting back on animal products in general, but gradually.  I know they aren't that great for me... I don't want to be some vegan food nazi, but I felt really really good when I was eating vegetarian/vegan, and I'd like to get myself back onto a more plant based diet.

5. I'm trying to eat 3 meals a day of roughly 500 calories and 2 or three 100 calorie snacks.

6. Stop bingeing. (easier said than done)

7. No eating after 8pm.

8. Saturdays I'll eat whatever I want within reason, but I still need to excersise.  If I want candy or  pizza, Saturday is my day for it.

9. Mondays are weigh in days. (gulp)

That's my basic plan. I've done well today... I've eaten something like 1500 calories, and saved 300 calories so I can have a beer and a martini at the bar tonight. Gameplan: Bring exactly enough money for those two drinks and that's it. No worries yet on guys trying to buy me drinks. LOL In a few months it might be a problem! One can only hope, right? LOL

Emma said something so funny today that brought into sharp releif just how screwed up in the head I am about food. (I'm a nanny, and Emma is the three year old I take care of.)  She was keeping my company while I ate my dinner (Pinto bean burger on half a tortilla, spanish rice with kidney beans) and stupid me, I overate. Not calorie-wise, I had measured everything out, but I was full halfway through but I kept eating anyways out of some misguided need to use up every calorie.

So anyhow, after I finished I held my stomach and groaned. Emma says, "What, Brenda?"

"I'm too full."

"Why?" She looked at me, confused.

"Because I ate too much."

Emma looked at me like I had two noses, and then rolled her eyes, and said totally matter of factly, "Well then, don't do that."

LOL Why didn't I think of that?

I remember in highschool how I was so depressed and upset by my weight. I looked in the mirror and saw a cow, a whale!  I kept myself from doing the things I wanted to do because I thought I was too big. I ran from relationships, didn't try out for parts, avoided lots of fun situations, all because of how big I was. I even refused to do the ropes course because I was afraid they'd drop me if I fell (and the guy who was supposed to be my anchor was about 450+!"

I was going through a box of old pictures the other day, and I realized how irrational I really was.  I would give ANYTHING to be that size again!  I wasn't skinny by any means, least of all by high school standards, but now my goal is to be a size 14.  Back then I was embarrassed by it.  But I looked SO good. 

If I could have looked through a crystal ball and seen my future, I wonder if I would have still let it happen?  Here I am 5 years later, scared to go to my class reunion because I'm so huge, my ass can barely fit in a 20 anymore. When my grandmother bought me a pair of size 22 jeans and they were only slightly big, I wanted to melt through the floor and die.

I want children and a family, but I can't even let myself get close to anyone. Dan obviously wants a real relationship with me, and I can't even let myself have that, because I'm mortified at the thought of him seeing me without the safety of clothing.

How have I let myself get to this point?  I'm smart, pretty, and talented. I have great friends, and people seem to like me. I should be able to do anything I want, but I've eaten myself into a corner. Back in highschool, would I ever have imagined that five years later I'd give up on a chance to live in Europe because I don't want to walk next to these thin, beautiful Norwegians?

My weight has controlled my life for too long. It has to stop.