I just had to use the title. Molly handed it right to me!
I did very well tonight. I ate the meatballs I brought, fruit, a mushroom and tomato salad someone brought, and half a piece of (duking) blueberry angel food cake. I actually am finishing the day at 1082 calories. I "assigned" the half slice of cake 200 calories since I can't be sure and wanted to err on the side of caution. I actually feel good about the choices I made and the way I was able to eat with others without making a big "I'm on a diet" spectacle.
I haven't told anyone I am on a diet, frankly. I can't really explain why. I guess I don't want others to feel they can judge what I put in my mouth. It has to be my battle. And then they will be looking for change, and honestly, I think it will be a minimum of 50 pounds before ANY change is visible, and even then I don't know how huge it will be. My virtual model doesn't change much! LOL!I'm way too prideful. I mean, not telling them I'm on a diet is the least of my problems! I am having a hysteroscopy, laproscopy, possible D&C, and an endometrial ablation on Wednesday and I have only told a few people that, under durress! Now, I'd be hurt if someone I knew was going through what I went through these last few months and didn't share. So why don't I share? Stubborn. Prideful. Too concerned about worrying anyone else or inconveniencing anyone else. I am a real piece of work! Heck, when I first typed it out here I said "not a big deal outpatient procedure" instead of EA!
I messed up part of my project and have to redo the section, but I got a couple snowmen pieced!
Oh, and the best news, those who quilt know that every freaking time you piece two pieces you have to get up and iron them. Well, as a direct result of having to get up and iron a zillion times, I took 10300 steps today at this point! Woohoo! First time I ever reached the recommendation! My goal is 12000 a day ultimately, but this week it was to do 5000 a day every day, whcih I achieved (barely one day). Next week it will be to do 7000 a day every day.
So, the challenge of the day … quilting at church tonight.Sounds like a good thing right?Surely our hands are too busy to eat.Not even close!Everyone brings something for a potluck type thing and we eat, talk, sew, iron, admire other people’s projects, and mutter at our projects!For my part, I am taking some meatballs that I happen to know the content and calorie count as well as some fruit salad.I have also “saved” a minimum of 600 calories.LOL!I like to be a realist!I will go there sitting right at 600 calories, so it won’t be a catastrophe even if I eat 900 calories.Which I promise to try not to do.
I have been working on some cute little paper pieced snowmen.But I have a big project to tackle (big for me, not big for many of the other women there).It is this nativity scene.Lovely, huh?I need two more materials to get to it, but since J. is refusing adamantly to nap, I may as well haul him over to his favorite store.I know you think I jest, but the kid loves material.His sister will not be impressed, however.
Is anyone wondering the best part of going?I’m the youngest person there!Woohoo!Nothing like feeling young as you are becoming not so young.Every now and then I feel like “adulthood” just crept up on me when I wasn’t paying attention.I still feel the same, how could I possibly be older?
VBS is over for now!We have an outreach VBS later this month, which I don’t know yet if I am working.Courtney is going to VBS at night that week with a friend and I don’t want to wear anyone out any more than absolutely necessary.The nice thing about VBS was this was my week to walk 5000 steps a day.Well, every day I walked them by noon!I was in the 3 yo room as a helper.They were the most unruly children I ever saw in my life.It makes me really grateful for my children.Even though they have both had their problems, C. was in special ed until last October and J is in ECI for some significant delays, they know how to act when they are out, in public, with other people.C. might smart off to me, but she would never smart off to a teacher.J might run away from me, but when he is at church he holds onto his “teacher’s” hand and stays in line.PART of the problem IMO (and they didn’t ask for my opinion) was the program.It is great for the 4yo set and up, but the 3yo children were expected to SIT too long.Three year olds don’t sit.That’s why you rarely see an obese 3yo!If I didn’t enjoy sitting so much, well, we all know how that story would go!
So, tonight when I get home I will be checking on you all, and I will log my calories from the food orgy and let you all know if I go over my 1500.
Sometimes I am not the smartest cookie.For evidence I present the fact that I really believed that my weight had nothing to do with what I ate but was because of my steroids and other meds.Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha …..It obviously had at least 9 pounds to do with it, because I am still on the exact same doses of the exact same meds.
Last night we had church. One of the guys in our small group is dying.Seriously.He has pancreatic cancer and just was released from the hospital with his wife and hospice by his side and a doctor basically throwing his arms up in the air.Now this man had survived pancreatic cancer once.But here am I, the voice of gloom and doom, (my loving and compassionate brother refers to me as the voice of reason) who from the beginning has thought the writing was on the wall for G.It might be a while, but it was written.I present for evidence my grandfather (86 yo) who died of pancreatic cancer.When the doctors brought up Whipple procedure in the same sentence as his name I started with my “whoa!” speeches.Really, I say, do you want to put an 86 yo through this?I mean the man didn’t even know he was sick until 24 hours ago.He thought he was just a little yellow and he couldn’t eat sauerkraut.Well, without it they say he only has a month or so.Well, he’s 86 sticking years old.He may only have a month or so anyway.So, they decided to go with it, and I strongly urge my dad to fly his butt up to NY so he is there.Dad, I say, being the voice of doom and gloom.You HAVE to talk to him; you have to get a living will.You need to know what he wants.Fine, he rolls his eyes.Grandpa calls me on the phone preop.He has never been a chatty man.He says, Thanks for sending your dad.Can you talk to these people about getting me some sauerkraut?Grandpa, I say, you know I’d bring it to you.He says, I am 86 years old.Grandpa, I say, I love you.Then I hung up and bawled on my husband’s shoulder.Less than 24 hours later, six hours postop, my grandfather coded and died.When the phone rang at 1 in the morning, I knew why.I was sitting in bed, waiting for it to ring.
So, what was my point?
Oh, yeah, G.So, everyone is all shocked that G is “fading fast” and every other euphemism they can think of for he is dying.So, I am sitting there last night, obviously remembering my grandfather (a fact which I would have also vehemently denied before starting to write this), and I want to jump up on the table and scream, he is dying people!DYING!DEAD!As my daughter would have said at age 5, “Dead.Just dead.Up in the sky in heaven with
Chelsea
.”So, finally, as a group we decide to take over a meal.I’m supposed to bring the bread to the church.I make a mean loaf of bread, which also has nothing to do with me being obese, I’m sure.(ha ha ha)I figure I will take J to my mom’s for bed (have to pick hubby up at airport at 11:45), go home, start the bread, work a little, pick up hubby, go to bed, put loaf in when I get up, take hubby to work, go get J., got o VBS.
Well, I didn’t get the dang loaf of bread started.So, I figured I would just do it all when I got up at 5 to work.Guess what?At five I didn’t get up because I had a migraine!So at 6:30 I HAD to get up, doped myself up as much as I cold and drive, and figure I will do the loaf right after VBS.After VBS I feel like I am going to pass out.So, I fix the kids lunch, put J. down for his nap, and lay down.Ring Ring.Hi, Emily, it’s P. I am about to go to the church and pick the stuff up.Uh, uh, I say.I won’t have it there until 5.At this point I realize I will have to go buy bread and take it.Nice church lady says, would it help if I just picked it up.No, I say, it’s okay, blah blah blah.She says again, are you okay?I tell her I have a migraine.She offers again to pick up bread.I say (drum roll please) YES!She then offers to pick up my husband from work (we only have 1 car) and take my daughter to gymnastics.I politely decline those things.But I let her help me!I know you all don’t know how great that is, but trust me it is great.And as Molly said, I am finally learning I can’t do everything by myself.Being here has even made my diet easier.
Oh yeah, this is a diet blog isn’t it?Not the I am the official poster girl for the gloom and doom movement blog.
I am sitting right at 862 calories.I will definitely eat a snack.My head is still woozy, but I am drugged enough to get some work done and I have a TON of work to do.
Anyone who plowed through this far.Thanks.I don’t even remember what my point was.
I'm a nutcase. Of course, a few of you already figured that out.
The doctor's scale, which I promised to believe, read just under 290. 290 made it start to sink down, but 289 made it start to go up. Therefore, like every single person told me, it was "real" weight. You all know, it takes a special kind of pessimist to think they are losing fake weight.
I actually LOST a little more. I think I am the pessimist of the century though. I'm still not convinced it is "real" weight loss. I mean, I weighed at the same time of day, but I hadn't eaten because I was busy at VBS. and, and, and, blah, blah, blah.
So, tomorrow at my appt we will see what the doctor's scale says, and I promise to accept it.
I weigh myself. And I would be LYING if I didn't admit to being a little nervous. I have decided I will be delighted if I have maintained my weight loss from last week. We all know that couldn't have all been real weight. I will be happy if I am still 295 or below, even though that will be a gain from last week it will be a loss of 4 pounds, which for 2 weeks is good. I'm going to be a wee bit devastated if I am up higher than that.
I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror this morning and it looks to me like although I don't look smaller anywhere else my panniculus looks a teensy bit smaller. So, hopefully I will keep THAT in mind if I now weight 299 again!
It will be later today when I WI. C. had to hide the scale as you may all remember!
So, I innocently go to VBS this morning to work registration, and what is there?!?! Doughnuts! Everywhere! A local grocery store donated them with our cupcake order and they are practically force feeding them! Every time you turn around: do you want a doughnut; are you sure you don't want a doughnut; have a doughnut we have plenty.
Guess who didn't have a doughnut? ME! Even when it was hand delivered to me by one of the JH kids I work with who is a real piece of work.
I did come up and eat my lunch straight away though!
For the 12 Brownies in my troop.They had their Court of Awards, end of year party (a pool party), and one girl bridged to Juniors.We had brownies and pizza, and everyone brought something.There was tons of soda, chips and queso, cookies.And guess what I ate everyone?A brownie, which I baked and knew had 180 calories, I decided I wanted it enough to waste that many calories on a tiny brownie!And fruit and veggies!Yep, you betcha!I am so proud of myself.And guess what else?I didn’t feel deprived or bitter or jealous or any of that! Nor did I feel guilty or ashamed or any of that for choosing to eat the brownie!Go, Emily!
Also, I made enchiladas for dinner last night, and after spending an hour trying to figure out how many calories one of my enchiladas has, I went with 300 and moved on with my life.For those who cook, do you find it difficult to figure out how many calories are in a finished product of something made totally from scratch and no longer from a real recipe that might have the calories on it?I find it to be very challenging some nights.
Thirty-six (or so) more hours until I weigh-in again.I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it.
I won’t have much time to dwell on it tonight though!I have a good 6 hours of transcription that need to get done, and I’m the one who needs to get it done.
DH leaves for a business trip on Tuesday afternoon.He’ll only be gone Tuesday night and until late Wednesday (after dinner is done and kids are in bed) but I hate to say I am a bit relieved.He makes this all much more taxing.I said something earlier about having 600 calories left and he said snidely, “So, what you can eat a piece of bread?”But, Molly, you’ll be proud of me.I looked that man right in the eye and said, “Don’t be a jackass.”
He wisely ate spinach with his dinner and kept his trap shut other than saying something about what good spinach I make.
So, I accidentally came across IT tonight when I was picking up toys (you may recall, I had to have my daughter hide it because I can’t be trusted).And guess what?I still can’t freaking be trusted.I weighed myself, started to get upset, thought about what the heck I was doing.And wrote a note on C’s chore list to move the scale to a new hiding place from Mommy.
I WILL NOT WEIGH MYSELF AGAIN UNTIL TUESDAY AT THE VERY EARLIEST.
I am not shouting at you, I am shouting at me.
Thank you to Sistah and Molly for reassuring me that 1500 calories isn’t the end of the world.When I was on my first diets in 7th grade (!!) I remember it being 1000 calories.And guess what – I wasn’t fat!What the heck was wrong with me?And by high school I had totally screwed myself with I don’t even know what the heck I was doing.I wasn’t eating during the day, but I would “sneak” food at night.I still “sneak” food at night.Well, ok, not for the last 2 weeks, but it has been a hard habit to break.
I feel much better about my food choices today!I knew I was cooking pizza for dinner and after going on a scavenger hunt trying to figure round about how many calories pizza has in it if it is homemade, I settled on 250 a slice.I had 2 slices and a lovely salad. And guess how I feel?I feel spectacular!!!I make fantastic pizza.Normally I probably would have had 4 slices.And – I stayed within my calories for the day!I’m the bestest!
Tomorrow I am going to start my new goal of reaching 5000 steps a day every day, even if it means walking around the living room 30 times before bed.
Well, I finished at 1552 calories today.I was trying to find some evidence online that I might need more food during “that” TOM, no such luck.Apparently women do burn more calories during PMS though.Part of where I went wrong was lunch.Remembering yesterday I thought it might help if for lunch I ate a meal.So I ate a Lean Cuisine that was 300 calories and a yogurt (180 calories) which was an awful large percentage of the calories I was trying to stay at or under (1200).Tomorrow I think I will go back to “my way” of only having one “meal” and everything else during the day being more of a “snack.”You live you learn, right?
And – on the bright side, to the best of my figuring, it is still about 900 calories a day less then I must have been eating whether I want to think that is what I was eating or not!Calorieking.com figures show I was probably eating somewhere between 2250 and 2500 calories per day.A lot grazing I bet!Not to pat my own back, but even a 1500 calorie a day intake is a vast improvement and certainly won’t lead me to gain back anything I have lost.
So, my goal for tomorrow, C. wants to go to breakfast while J. is at “school” (a1 ½ hour integrated speech therapy program).I will eat fruit salad.I can do it.I will do it.I am doing it.
