Starting Over...again

So here is the second time trying to post...I spend fifteen minutes writing and its gone...go figure.  So I'm literally and figuratively starting over.

How many weekends go by that we tells ourselves this is the last time I eat this junk food, this is the last I will binge eat my way through the weekend.  Telling myself that it's okay because it's the last time because come Monday I'm starting over, I'm getting back on track, out with the old in with the new.  You get the picture.  There have been a lot of last times in my past, and alot of starting overs.   So what makes this time any different, probably nothing, nothing has really changed.  I don't feel any more motivated this weekend than I did the last six.  So what makes me think I'll do it this time.  And maybe this won't be the last time...but I'm hoping it will be the last time for awhile.  I just keep telling myself that as long as I don't give up and I keep picking myself up off the ground, than I have not failed myself.  It's when I totally give up on losing weight that I've truly failed and sometimes that's all that keeps me going. Because if I give up on losing weight that I've given up on life. Sometimes I think I don't succeed because underneath I feel that I've already failed so what's the sense.  But I cannot let those negative thoughts control me.

In the past I think I've become too focused on the big picture.  That is thinking about how much I have to lose and that is depressing and discouraging, it seems like such a long way to go.  But then I think I can't keep on the way I am because then I won't live long enough...for anything, and that is even more depressing.  So this time I'm thinking of making a bit of change in my strategy.  This time I'm not thinking about the 130 pounds that I want to lose, I'm going to concentrate on the now, work on losing that first pound and then I'll concentrate on the next.   If I look to far ahead, it's just too much.  

So tomorrow is a new day, I've got my lunch and snacks packed for work, my breakfast and supper are planned.  The first day is always the easiest anyway.  You know how it is, you're all fired up with new motivation.  Except I don't really feel fired up this time not like I did when I first lost some weight.  How do you get that motivation back, how do you maintain it.  How do you make life altering changes, when you don't like change.  This time though I'm trying to use my health as my motivation.  We'll see how it goes.

2 Good Days

I've had 2 pretty good days in a row as far as eating goes.  Pretty good not perfect, but anything would be an improvement over the weekend...I just find weight loss so discouraging, it has to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.  And it doesn't help that I'm incredibly lazy and lacking in motivation.  I know that I need to be off my butt and exercising but after working all day all I want to do is plop my butt on the couch and stay there until bed time.  But I'm optimistic that it will come with time.  What's so discouraging is that this time last year I had managed to make it down to about 232 lbs and now a year later I'm almost right back up to the weight I started from.  I'm still trying to figure out what went wrong last time so I don't make the same mistakes again.  I just keep telling myself that I can do this, I've done it before.  I know I have to do it for my health, I certainly don't want to die this way.  But some days even my health is not motivation enough.  What keeps me going right now is that I don't think too far ahead and take one day at a time....baby steps, baby!!   And I just want to say thanks to all that commented on my previous blog...it was nice to have the welcomes and the encouragement.

Blog virgin

So this is my first time blogging.  I talk enough so who knew it would be so hard writing it down.  My reasoning for doing this is nothing else I've tried has worked.  I blame myself as I'm lazy and don't put in the required work to acheive my weight loss goals.  Weekends are always the hardest, I'm sure most would recognize the vicious circle of feeling bad because you're overweight and than eating to feel better and then feeling bad because you ate.  Everyday I get up and resolve that today is going to be the day when I get my act together.  But it just never comes together.  Maybe by blogging and getting it out there I'll have my Eureka! moment.