So...the pain is back. The couple days I had of feeling somewhat normal were more than wonderful. It was a good reminder for me that I am not naturally lazy. It made me see that as soon as I recover from my surgery, I will be hitting that gym really hard because that's what I want! Laying in bed until 10:30 am only to transfer myself to the couch for a day full of watching TV, and surfing the web is not really me. Gaining all of this weight is not something I did by choice. I have been forced for so long now to stay sedentary. Oh, how I can taste the days to come where I will be able to run! (or just walking would be nice too!)
Dealing with this Endometriosis has forced me to lay and wait for the help I need to be better. Yesterday I was in so much pain, just lifting up my legs onto the couch caused shooting pains to run from my legs, to both ovaires, and to my back. Let's just say, every time I moved a muscle, I was crying in pain.
So, no working out yesterday or today, probably not tomorrow either. But I take it day by day, even hour by hour. 54 more days until surgery day! Meanwhile, I am still keeping track of my calorie intake everyday on Daily Plate so I don't go out of control.
So I am addicted to smoothies despite the fact that it's been under 70 degrees in Orange County, California this week. Ha Ha...I know it's sad! My husband thinks it's hilarious that there is breaking news for the "Storm watch of 2007" and that when it sprinkles a little there is automatically a flash flood warning. He grew up in other climates besides the constant sunshine I'm accustomed to being an Army brat and living all over the world. Anyways, I thought I'd encourage whoever is reading to drink some smoothies this week. I'm discovering it is such an easy way to get a couple of servings of fruit in-not to mention all the add ins of vitamins to get your day going. I think it's way more exciting than a cup of coffee, although I like coffee too.
Here's what I do: 1/2 c. Trader Joe's frozen organic blueberries 2 spoons of fat free organic vanilla yogurt 1/2 Banana 2 tsp. Psyllium Husk 1 tbsp. organic Flaxseed Oil 1 packet EmergenC 1 handful ice 4 tbsp. water
Blend and enjoy! Sometimes I'll switch blueberries for the Very Cherry blend of berries from Trader Joe's or will use some OJ instead of water.
The Psyllium Husk is a great way to pack in a lot of fiber for first thing in the morning (leaving you full well into lunch time) with 9 grams of fiber per serving.
First off, pain today is worse compared to yesterday. Looks like feeling great will be short lived, although I'm so thankful for the respite and change of pace. I can taste what life after surgery will be like and can't wait.
I've had an interesting thought today. I have been so motivated since I began keeping track of my calories this week on the Daily Plate that I have become somewhat obsessed with the whole thing. I weighed myself this morning and saw I went down again. I'm 189. Back to the "starting weight." While I was taking a shower (after my workout...yay!), I was thinking to myself, "Is it healthy that I'm obsessed with what I'm eating throughout the day, how many ounces of water I'm drinking, how many calories I'm burning?" For a second, I told myself no. But then I realized that I was obsessing about getting fatter and fatter last week, the week before that, and years before that. So rather than put myself down all day about how stupid I am for eating another dessert, I would much prefer to obsess about eating the least amount of cheese to still make the burrito taste good.
I think it's naturally in my personality to obsess anyways...when I am interested in something I will read every article, every book, and find every person who knows something on the topic.
So life lesson for the day...obsess on the things that will move you forward instead of the things that hold you down.
So...when I made my blog page last night, I put in the weight I guessed I was at. I put 189 because that is the biggest I have ever gotten in my life and figured it couldn't be that far off. There was no way in heck I was going to get on the scale and actually find out what I was. I didn't feel good about myself anyways, and being in chronic pain all the time not being able to do anything about it normally wouldn't help.
But I woke up with no pain again today, so figured I would take advantage of the good day and do another work out (even though I can't sit down...I'm so sore from yesterday's workout). I did a good workout, then thought I should probably weigh myself for real so at least I know where I am. After all, it's obvious enough to everyone else in the world that I'm fat...I should know how fat. So I peed (gotta empty out those extra ounces, right?), put myself on the scale, closed my eyes, and waited for the final beep. When I looked down, I saw it...it said, "Come back when you're alone" as my dad would say. It said 191.2 pounds.
Never in my life have I weighed that much. Never in my life will I be going above that mark again. That is the last time I want to see the horrible number. It disgusts me, it makes me so mad at myself because nobody but me got me here... Normally, I would look at the scale and say I'm so overweight anyways, what difference does it make if I eat another bowl of ice cream to wallow in my own misery? But this time, I am saying to myself that no amount of anything that tastes good can feel as good as victory over this battle of me vs. food.
So, the 190's will be short lived...then the 180's will go by, and soon I will be an inspiration to myself instead of wishing I was in someone else's body.
Today was the first day in a long time I felt normal. Long story short, I have a disease called Endometriosis. It is a painful reproductive disease that affects your fertility and quality of life. For me, it has left me unable to function most days for the past four months. Since having Endo, I have slowly been limited more and more with the everyday things I used to enjoy.
I am wanting to blog my weight loss from here on out for a couple of reasons: I have been itching to lose weight for a while now, but have been literally unable to move from the couch to the bathroom on my own some days. Today I actually felt good enough to work out for 35 minutes.It wasn't easy, but I did it! I am scheduled to have major surgery with a world-known specialist for my disease, and after Jan. 29, my life will be changed forever and for the better.
I have struggled with my weight since my mom died in 2003 from Breast Cancer. Then, with my own decline in health, I have managed to blow up like a circus clown. Part of my recent huge weight gain is from going to an active person who worked out 5-6 times a week to absolutely nothing. Part of my weight gain is also my own self-pity for not being able to work out, do the normal day to day things I used to enjoy, etc. Self-pity is dangerous for an emotional eater like myself.
Anyways, today was different. Today, I woke up and didn't feel exhausted from being in pain all night. Today I woke up, saw the sun shining, thought about my newborn nephew and what a miracle it is that God gives you this one body to work with and carry you through your entire life-I want to do well with it! I actually felt good enough that I worked out for 35 minutes and didn't have to take a Vicodin after! I don't know how many of these days I will have between now and my surgery, but I do know that I want to do everything I can to not gain any more weight while I wait, and I want to completely change how I take care of myself when I have the real "me" back.
