sigh mumble mumble
I know I keep disapeering sorry.
The weekend in London was great but so full on and then it was straight back into the college/work/parenting cycle that seems to relentless at the moment.
I am still doing plenty of walking. I think I may find I have maintained at next weeks WI. I heard from the exercise referral this week and go next month for my assessment. It sounds like I basically get a discount card for various gyms etc. It is going to have to be a hefty discount for me to afford it but I am hoping I can have swimming and gym. Of course how I am going to fit that in as well I really don't know! I am hoping that even if its once a week it will give me a break away and the added bonus of weight loss.
Anyway I have shed loads to do so off to check up on how you're all doing and then get my nose in a book .....
I just want to give up
I can see myself getting bigger. My scales indicate at least a 5lb gain.
I feel so miserable. None of my clothes fit comfortably and even if I wanted too I can't afford to buy anymore. I have a volunteer conference in London this weekend. I love the voluntary work I do but I am exhausted, miserable and dreading trying to pack something to wear for the dinner.
I have no motivation. I have never been so active in my life. My food habits are by no means saintly but I am growing at the rate of a couple of pounds a week. I feel disgusting.
Off to try and find something to pack that still fits!
I mostly haven't blogged cos I am stupidly busy.
But also cos I can't stop eating and am ashamed of myself. I walk an average of 10,000 steps a day now (often more 18,000 one day) and its making no difference because I can't stop eating.
I brought this up with the GP but as I have only had the implant a month they want me to persevere to see if it settles down. I haven't heard anything from the exercise referral they did either.
Added to all that we are totally broke which means cheap food which means more crap. It also means I bake more things to 'make up' for not having a lot and we stay in because we can't afford to do anything. Also the GPs had to up my pain killers because the extra walking is causing bone issues. So there feels very little positive stuff to hold on too - of course that makes me want chocolate too!
Now I am pissing myself off so I shall go - however I will be back soon and hopefully with a brighter outlook promise!
Weigh In - Confusion!
Right last month I was weighed and the nurse said 95 kg or 14 st 12lb.
I got weighed today and she said I was now 94 kg. When I have put that in a converter it says thats 14 st 8lb. However todays nurse said 94 kg was 14st 12lb.
I needle certainly looked like it was still at 14 st 12lb so I am going with a maintained this month.
We discussed the implant and I explained the problems I am having. She encouraged me to have it taken out and try a coil instead. She says the coil lists the same side effects but the woman she speaks to all get on with it and there are far fewer woman requesting to have that taken out compared to the implant. I told her how much walking I am doing and she said that should be making a difference by now.
Will have to ponder it a while longer. The appointments a week away.
Anyway its better than a gain.
My eating feels totally out of control again.
I am not unhappy, or particularly stressed so I don't understand.
I am walking LOADS and yet my trousers are uncomfortably tight and I hate it. A few months ago I could pull my work trousers (and my fat jeans) off without undoing them and now they dig in and I am reminded all day that the scales are going the wrong way.
I am dreading my WI on Thursday
I know its not entirely the implants fault but seriously! I feel like I am expanding by the day. Over a week I average 10,000 steps a day now and thats a massive improvement. I am aware though that I have only got into this routine in the last couple of weeks and I guess it will take a while to all fall into place.
Why am I sabotaging myself? I feel hungry all the time, I am worse at work than home. I spend my 2 days with the girls busy I guess where as I sit on my bum being board at work. That said I have managed to clock up a lot more steps going to a further a way printer and making myself get up and walk a lot more - they probably think I am mental at work up and down like a bloody yo yo!
And just to add insult to injury its a team lunch to Pizza Hut tomorrow. I don't normally take an hour for my lunch so that means extra time at work AND extra calories.
On the plus side, my Dirty Dancing DVD arrived today so I can have my own little Patrick Swayze send off
Shit just generally!
Its o so quiet......
And if I am quiet it is never a good sign................
I have had laptop issues for one thing which has made getting online somewhat difficult.
But I can't lie, food wise I have been AWFUL all week. I have walked loads and forced myself to do a minimum of 2 miles a day. On Thursdays I do an 8 mile round trip over the day so thats a massive improvement. But its not going to negate the snacking and general crap which has passed my lips and no doubt settled on my hips.
I do think that this implant is taking some getting used too. I feel happy today but for the most part since I had it put in I've had terrible PMT and cravings for chocolate. Having given my general health some thought recently I have figured out that the key for me is exercise. If I am active enough I find the odd treat doesn't matter and I also find I eat healthier anyway.
This last week has also brought home to me how tough the new regime of college/pre school/nursery/work etc is going to be but its not scared me its just made me want to be in the best possible physical and mental shape to tackle it all O and exercise is good for PMT apparently......
I did yoga at the WI this week. I didn't think I'd be able to do it but I managed all of it and o my god! I felt amazing afterwards, so chilled out and centered. I really want to do it again. I have a pilates DVD which is a similar so I might crack that out again and try and practice some of the moves we did.
Sorry I've been quiet. Monday went really well and thank god I have been doing lots of walking - it might negate some of the damage done by constant eating! It should be TOM now but I am guessing the implant means thats not going to happen. I am also guessing the reason people put on weight with the implant is the ravanous appetite it seems to cause.
My laptops died as well, I think its the power adaptor so I am on hubbys laptop which is harder to type on as the e key is broken. So short and sweet today but hope everyone is OK and I'll be back properly soon x
I go back to college today to start my Counselling Diploma. I didn't think I was nervous (just excited) but I have eaten all morning so I obviously am.
It feels odd going back to college again, more because its a different college. I feel a bit out of practice. Its 8 years since I graduated and 5 since I did my Level 3 certificate.
Still gives me another opportunity for a good walk to the interchange to get the bus. This time its college in a different city. Plus I need to swing by the post office so thats a good mile and half to help walk off all this excess. Plus once I am at college I'll be too busy to even think about food!
To be honest I have had such terrible PMT all weekend and have really over eaten but I am trying to balance this out with extra walks. I am finding it easier to motivate myself if I feel stressed out etc to walk to Meadowhall and back. Its a good 2.5 miles or thereabouts so helps me reach my step target much easier.
I am so ill!
My lovely toddler shared her conjunctivitis and other yukky germs with me and I feel as rough as. No real appetite - not good because I might drop a couple of pounds now but it won't be a real loss.
More to the point, I am actually on holiday this week and today I had both lunch and dinner plans (not to mention cocktail plans) and instead I will probably end up in bed
Tomorrow is the first day of doing 2 drop offs and pick ups at the different nurseries too and I had been looking forward to 3 really good walks, now I am worried I won't be able to stay upright never mind anything else.
God I hate being ill, I can't sleep and its just so bloody depressing.