Something Sad

I went up a pants size.  I'm a size 20.  It makes me sad.  GOD I AM SO FAT.

I really have this sense of helplessness.  I went shopping today and got a TON of cute stuff with my mom, but the pants I bought are a size 20...and I had bought another size 20 just after Christmas in a brand I never wear, so I though it wasn't me, but the jeans.  WRONG.  So I'm fatter.  Goddamnit.  I'm so frustrated.  I always wonder- how does this happen to me?  But it does. 

So it's time to not be fat anymore.  It's time to diet, watch what I eat and be HEALTHY.  Southbeach, here I come.  Today was alright, but tomorrow is going to be completely OP.  On Point.  It's time.  I'm tired of being fat, and even though loosing weight is scary, I'm ready.  It's time.  Wish me luck!

OK Yall, I'm Back!!!

Hey everyone!

I don't know if  anyone still checks up on me...but I'm finally back and ready to make 2008 the YEAR OF ME!  At midnight last night I sat and spoke with my mom, reflecting on how HARD 2007 was.  And even though I didn't realize it while it was happening, it was a REALLY hard year.  Last year at this time I had just lost 25lbs, but fell into depression, gained close to 50lbs, was diagonised with depression, anxiety and an eating disorder.  I got treatment and was doing better, but then broke up with my long term boyfriend at the end of the summer, and spiraled downward.  But the most important and insightful thing I've probably learned about myself this past year was soemthing my mother said to me last night-

When I'm ready, when I WANT to loose weight, I will.  And if I don't, it's not because I CANT, it's because I'M NOT READY.  And I think that's really true.  I've tried before.  And I've been sucessful.  The truth is, there are REASONS I'm fat.  This might be a bit personal, so read on at your own risk, but the truth of the matter is- I use my weight to protect myself.  I was sexually abused at the age of 4, and although I've come really far, I'm still wounded from it, and am still somewhat terrified of men.  And being fat keeps them by and large at a distance, so that the ones that get close are the ones interested in me for what I feel like are "the right" reasons.  And I sabatoge myself to prevent having to face the hard issues that are gonna come with becoming thin.  But honestly, I think I'm ready.

It's a new year, and it's time.  I turn 21 years old in June, giving me almost six months to loose the first fifty lbs, and begin this journey.  I'm ready to be the strong woman I want to be, to face my fears, my food issue and be who I'm going to be for the rest of my life.  My binge eating disorder, my weight, my cellulite, my size eighteen and twenty jeans- they're not things for me to be ASHAMED of.  And I'm not going to be ashamed any more.  SHAME is chaining me down.  FEAR is chaining me down.  I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to look forward to.  I have SO MUCH to do in this life.  And it's time to get it together.  My plan:

Go back on the diet that got me to the last time I felt "normal", in high school:  The South Beach Diet.  I'm going to do phase 1 to de-tox, and then possibly transition to weight watchers, or something similar.  I'm also going to start re-working the Beck Diet Solution steps, which were really helpful to me earlier this year.  I'm going to make diet and exercise a part of my life, because it's time.  And as I stumble, as I trip up, I'm going to focus on the REASONS WHY.  I am going to regularly confront my problems and my fears, and focus on this journey to loose 100 lbs as about more than just weight, because it IS about more than weight...it's about allowing myself to be happy, secure and healthy, and to be the woman I want to be.  This is a transformation, and by 2009, the year that I will graduate from college, I'm going to be healthy, secure and comfortable in my own skin.  Happy New Year to you all, I can't wait to catch up with you- it's been too long.

+4.8

I gained five lbs.  I feel disgusting.  And ashamed.

I'm going to take a break from all of this for a little while, until I can get the binging back under control.  I'll check back in after the weekend.  Wish me luck.

WARNING: Extreemly Personal and Pretty Unhealthy...Read at YOUR OWN RISK!

OK, so here it goes.  Like I said- read at your own risk.  It's some heavy stuff. I would suggest passing and waiting for a more uplifting post tomorrow, when I've got my shit together.

I am feeling especially fat after my dinner of hamburger, fudge brownie, ice cream, hot chocolate and candy.  I want to throw up.

So I tried.  It didn't work.  I gave up.  But I'm just feeling so incredibly desperate, so increadibly fat and so INCREADIBLY miserable.  I just want to break down crying. 

I'm sitting in the library, supposed to be working on a paper, but instead feeling DISGUSTING.  I am on the edge of tears.  And I want to vomit.  Right now, as fucked up as it is, I WISH I were bulimic.  At least it's an eating disorder where you're skinny, unlike binging, which just makes me fatter and fatter and more miserable.  Because man, it's hard to be fat in this world.

One of my close friends at school was bulimic.  She claims she's got it under control now, but I don't know.  I went out to dinner with her earlier this year and she ate a lot, even offering to buy dessert.  I'm pretty sure she threw up afterwards too.  The thing is, I'm SO jealous of her.  She's SOOO THIN, but still has big boobs.  She's BEAUTIFUL, I mean, AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL.  She's got a great, hot boyfriend who treats her like a queen, not to mention frats full of guys on campus IN LOVE with her.  Plus, she's got a 3.9 GPA.  And part of me thinks that if I just had the personal strength to make myself throw up too, then maybe I could be like that. 

I know it's wrong.  I know bulimia is deadly.  I know all the reasons it's a good thing I don't purge.  That's probably a big part of the reason that I won't let myself take it that far.  But it doesn't stop me from feeling like shit.  I feel so WEAK because I can't handle the stress of finals, because I eat and eat and am SO FAT.  And the people in my life don't make it any easier.  It doesn't help that I'm still in love with my ex who, I know for a fact, would drop everything and beg me to come back to him if I lost this weight.  My parents would have so much more respect for me.  Right now, I just feel like if I could get all this shit out of my system, maybe it would be easier.  I dunno.

Right now, I just feel worthless and disgusting, and like I'm doomed to be fat my whole life.  I just want to curl up in a ball and die.  It's pretty awful.  But at least being honest about it and writing it down helps.  So if you read this far, I don't mean to say 'I told you so', but I'm going to anyways, just cuz it makes me smile a little bit.  And I really need something to smile about.

Apparently Repenting was NOT enough!

Today has been, although not equally as disgusting as yesterday, pretty DAMN disgusting!!!

I'm just under so much stress, and yup...I BINGE EAT AGAIN!!!!

So far I've consumed 2085 calories today...and 1885 of that was all in ONE MEAL!!!!  YUCK.  I'm so ashamed.  Hopefully I'll have something better to post tomorrow.  As of right now, I feel pathetic, weak and FAT.

Fatty, Repent!

So, after the DISASTER that was yesterday, I sucked it up this morning and decided to OWN UP to my decisions and calculate the calories.  Here they are:

Breakfast
None :(

Lunch
2 mini Pizzas- 500
2 Brownies- 546
Hot Coco-440

Snack
Apple- 60

Dinner
More Pizza-560
1/2 Chocolate Milk Shake-380

Total- 2486

So yeah, I binged.  At lunch, I seriously sat down and ate like it was my job.  It was pretty SICK.  I have a problem.  I realize that.  But hey, I'm working on it.  Baby stepts.

So as of THIS MOMENT, I am back in the game.  No more binge eating.  I am gonna be concious of my desire to eat to manage stress and JUST SAY NO!!!  It's finals, and instead of gaining 15 lbs during the next two weeks, I'm gonna LOOSE five lbs.  That's right.  Take that, FOOD!

So far today I've had a healthy breakfast of 200 calories (Tea, an apple and a fiber one bar), and I'm gonna go work on my paper.  I've got dinner out at a professor's house tonight, so it should be fun.  Other than that, the crazy work starts today (I've got a paper due in 4 hours!!!)

Wish me luck!  And send skinny vibes galore- I NEED them after yesterday!                                        

I'm having a BAD day

I binged at lunch and ate 2 small pizzas, coffee, hot chocolate and two small cream cheese brownies. 

I feel like throwing up. 

I'm in the library now, about to do work, and seriously feeling like like crap.  I think I'll just eat fruits and veggies for the rest of the day.

Yuck.  I disgust myself.

Week 2, Day 5 recap.

Was NOT good.  I was in such a funky mood, I overate.  I had:

Breakfast

Plus, at night I split a half-loaf of cheesy garlic bread with my sutie mate.  So not suprizingly, the scale says I'm up 2lbs from yesterday.  YUCK.  But I deserve it.

I'm not logging it here, tho, because it's probably water weight, and I plan to be SUPER GOOD today to make up for it.  So watch me go.  Wish me luck, and sending tons of skinny vibes your way!!!

Week 2, Day 4

I'm cranky.  Food today was:

Breakfast
None :(

Lunch
Chicken Breast- 200
Carrots- 50
Broccoli-15
Tomato Sauce-15
Clemintine- 23
Tea- 0

Dinner
Ravioli- 550
Alfredo Sauce-160
Chix- 200
1/2 Sweet Potato- 40
Carrots- 50
Tea- 42
Apple- 55
1/2 piece of Cheesecake-130

Total- 1530

Eh.  It was OK.  More tomorrow.

Pain

So I just finished a 40 min workout- 30 mins of a Tae Bo DVD plus the 10 min solution Target Toning Arms portion.  I planned to do the whole DVD, but my legs started really hurting from all the jumping.  I think my bones just arn't used to all the high impact stuff I've started doing w/ the running and the like.  So that's to bad.  But at least I got the workout in, right?  And I'm doing SUPER WELL food wise today.  YAY!

I'll update on my eating later, after I go to the library and write more :(  Think of me!

*OOPS, I forgot to say I'm giving myself CREDIT (BDS style) for working out even though I was feeling some shin pain.  I did good!